How to Write Aromanticism
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| Image description: Yes, another post, another cover picture of Merida from Pixar's Brave, aka, my most dearly held AroAce headcanon character. Although I don't discuss Merida specifically in this post (see this post if you do want an analysis on her, however), this post is all about how to write good aromantic or non-romantic characters, and the feisty princess who longs to change her fate is a great example of one. |
Villains. Robots. Mean, bitter old people the likes of which you find in Saturday morning cartoons. What do they all have in common? They are all stereotypical ways to portray non-romantic characters in media. When I say “non-romantic” in this case, I don’t mean people who wanted romantic relationships only to find themselves disappointed and alone by bad luck or misfortune. Rather, I mean characters who do not seem to want romance or care about it, but who are portrayed as somehow damaged or flawed because of that. If you’ve read my tropes posts, you know this is a problem, and I’ve illustrated ad nauseum just why it is so pernicious.
But how can we write better depictions of non-romantic
characters? And how can we take it a step further and include actual canonical
depictions of aromanticism in media? In today’s post, that is exactly what I
want to explore, expanding on the advice I gave in my “Intro to Writing Aspec Characters” post and tailoring it specifically to aromanticism.
As always, these things are just one aro person’s take on
what makes a good aromantic character in media and what I would personally like
to see. Aromanticism, like any aspec identity, is so much more complex than
what I can portray in one post and thus your aro characters should have complex
elements and be dynamic people beyond what I myself can give guidance for. But
I hope these serve as good guidelines for how your aromantic or non-romantic
characters can avoid the tropes we often see and can instead become exciting
examples of good, diverse representation.
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Give your
aromantic characters a personality
I know this first bit of advice may sound obvious, but hear
me out. In my “How to Write Relatable Aspec Characters” post, I discussed a bit
about making ace and aro characters multi-dimensional; in my Tropes series of
posts, I looked at some of the ways tropes limit and rob aspec characters of
the chance to be multi-faceted individuals, instead diminishing them with offensive
stereotypes. This is true for people all across the spectrum, but I think
aromantic characters – and people – are especially affected by this phenomenon.
I would say this is because tropes that specifically target non-sexual people
tend to be largely focused on the discriminatory and dismissive ways other people react
to them, whereas tropes against non-romantic people tend to by and large be especially focused on the personality of the non-romantic person themselves.
I’m sure we can all think of at least one example of a piece
of media that portrays non-romantic characters as cold, unemotional, miserable,
or even villainous. This media often looks at romance as the only form of love
(or if not the only, certainly the most important) and ties a character’s
worth, emotional development, and indeed their entire personality to whether or
not a person has or wants a romantic relationship. As I’ve discussed in many a
previous post, the worst part of this is that it is done to aromantic spectrum
people in real life as well. Furthermore, media will often frame characters who
adamantly don’t want romance as simply “not knowing what’s best for them,” or
will center their storylines on finding the right person who will “melt their
cold exterior” and teach them how to love (more on that part later).
So this is what I mean when I say it is important to give
your aro characters a personality. Rather than having them be “those people who
don’t want romance” exclusively, make that an important part of who they are without
making it all they are. Defining a character only as aro would be like
defining a character only as a banker – what you’re going to get is, more often
than not, a very one-dimensional cartoonish individual. Similarly, if you were
indeed writing romance, writing characters who have no definable personality beyond
their role as “love interest” is a recipe for disaster. Basically: if you wouldn’t do it
when writing a character who isn’t aro, don’t do it when writing aro characters
either. Avoid the trope trap and instead make your characters well-rounded individuals
who still want things – because every character and every person is looking for
something or some purpose – but just remove romance as one of those things.
In my last post, I talked a bit about Rey from the new Star
Wars trilogy and why I adore her character and see her as good AroAce
representation. While I’m sure there are those out there who disagree with me, in
my eyes, Rey has a ton of personality. She is an optimistic dreamer, while also
being a determined and level-headed survivor. She’s powerful, but
compassionate. Sometimes she’s wrong. Sometimes she has doubts. But above all,
she has things she wants, people she connects with, and things she learns along
the way. A huge majority of this is done without romance ever being a factor (again,
see last week’s post if you want a more thorough analysis/rant on some elements
of that, but by and large, it’s well done from my own personal aspec
standpoint).
Not having romance in her life doesn’t make Rey a bad
person. It doesn’t make her unemotional or bitter or any of the other things we
usually see non-romantic people being. Romance is not a magical vault that
contains all emotions and higher-level thinking, and thus those things can be written
completely independent of romance. When it comes to your aro characters, give
them all the things you would give your regular characters and acknowledge that
you don’t need romance to find those things. Let them be happy about things
that aren’t romance and have their heart broken by things that aren’t romance
related either. Let them have doubts beyond more than matters of the heart, let
them make mistakes in their interpersonal relationships that aren’t related to
romantic drama. Give them things they love – whether that’s their pet, their
friends, their family, a place, their favorite band, whatever. There are dozens
of ways any type of character can love without it being romantic, because that
is true of all people, even aro ones. Remember that most if not all aro people
probably have at least something they love, even if it’s not the typical
definition of love, and make your characters accordingly. Speaking of which…
Aromantic
characters do not need to be taught how to love
This probably sounds like another really obvious piece of
advice. Obviously an aromantic character wouldn’t need to be taught to love…
because they’re aromantic. But as I’ve outlined in several trope posts in the
past, this is actually a huge problem in media where we see non-romantic
characters portrayed. Just like I mentioned in the previous tip where
non-romantic characters are often portrayed as cold, they are also portrayed as
needing to be taught how to love people. I’m sure you’ve seen it before –
character who swears they’ll never fall in love or even downright hates love
eventually finds the person who teaches them how blind they’ve been all along.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with a character’s
storyline being about wanting to find love, and there’s nothing wrong with
writing characters – maybe even characters who identify as somewhere else on
the asexual spectrum or are demiromantic – who actively search for love. And in
some cases, plot points about people realizing they’ve been blind to love can
even work in characters who don’t have specific non-romantic tendencies. But
when it comes to aro characters in particular or characters who do
present non-romantic tendencies in general, the notion of teaching these
characters how to love presents a few glaring issues.
For a start, assuming that a person who doesn’t want romance
in their life needs to be taught to accept it is at turns infantilizing,
dismissive, and sometimes downright controlling. It is an assumption based on
the notion that this non-romantic person doesn’t know what they want or need,
and that other people have the right to interfere in their lives, which is just
not true. It is also extremely invalidating to that person’s emotions and their
experiences. What it’s really saying is that being aromantic or non-romantic is
not a valid way to live and needs to be pushed aside in favor of making someone more normal “for their own good,” completely ignoring that they are saying romance
is not a priority in their lives and thus is actually not at all for their own
good.
The other way in which this becomes a problem is because, as
I’ve said many times before, romantic love is not the only kind of love.
Looking at a character who feels deeply – who connects with people, has
compassion, good friendships, a healthy family dynamic, or any combination of
these – and assuming they are empty without romance is a big problem in media.
So much of these characters’ stories then become about giving them the means to find
romance (or, in some cases, forcing them into romances) in the name of
“teaching them to love,” completely ignoring all the ways in which they already
love themselves or others. So when media writes non-romantic people as just
needing to be shown what love is like to change their worldview and thus their
personalities, it’s actually saying that love needs to be the highest priority
and nothing else matters nearly as much as that.
I’ve discussed amatonormativity on this blog many, many times
before – essentially, the idea that romance must be a priority in everyone’s
life – and most of the portrayals of characters who just need to be taught how
to love fall under this paradigm. But to write good non-romantic characters and
to take them a step further in order to make them good canon representation of aromanticism,
that paradigm needs to shift. Writing stories about love is great, but they don’t
have to be stories about romance. Again, not to keep relying on metaphors, but
it would be like assuming all stories about heroism have to be about
superheroes, or even that all superhero stories have to function in exactly the
same way. People, emotions, and stories are all unique and diverse. As such,
portrayals of love should be as well. And if you’re writing a piece of media with
an aromantic character in it, their portrayal should be too.
If your
aromantic characters are “cold”, make it matter
Something that I think all people need to learn and
appreciate is that some people – and I’m not just talking about ace or aro
people here – do struggle with social awkwardness. Some people struggle to make
connections. Some people just plain don’t enjoy the company of others or have
trouble sharing their emotions. That doesn’t mean they are broken or worthy of
contempt, it just means they relate to the world in a different way. So while I
do believe that automatically assuming that “aromantic = cold” is a bad
mindset, it’s also just as bad to assume you can only write aro people who are
perky, socially active, cheerful, fun-loving, etc. People are complex, and if
you want to write a story that you know reflects the diversity of real people
by portraying an emotionally distant or socially awkward aromantic character,
you should totally do that! But make it matter.
I believe a good example of this can be found in a book I
reviewed for the blog previously – Archivist Wasp by Nicole
Kornher-Stace. Wasp, for many, many reasons, is not a warm and fuzzy person.
The circumstances of her life and the world around her mean she is guarded,
intense, and a bit jaded. But she still does her best to show compassion for
others and do the best given the limitations of the world around her. As a Word of God AroAce character, Wasp shows that a character can be some of the things
people typically associate with aromantic people without falling into tropes.
Rather than portraying Wasp as emotionless and therefore bad, Kornher-Stace
shows that Wasp can guard her emotions and still feel things, that she can be a
bit socially inadept and still care for people, ally with people, and even show
compassion towards them.
Another example of this is Seven of Nine from Star Trek:
Voyager (I know you’re shocked). The way Seven relates to the world and to
people is very different than what her crew expects or how they might react in
social situations. If this were portrayed well consistently throughout the
series, this would be an excellent example of how to portray a non-romantic
character who is still multi-faceted and relatable, and whose lack of social
skills are part of what makes her a unique individual. Unfortunately, as any
regular of my blog probably knows, Seven is often disrespected by those around
her, and even by the writing of the show at times. Not only are certain
elements of Seven’s personality mocked, but her non-romantic tendencies are
often ignored too. That brings me to my final point.
Be mindful of
the non-aro characters in your story
I first gave this piece of advice in my “Intro to Writing Aspec Characters” post because it is great general advice for writing any aspec
identity – when you want to write aspec characters well, make the characters
around them good friends, good family members, good allies, whatever. That
doesn’t mean they will always get it right, but it means they will always try.
Rather than mock, belittle, or dismiss the aro character, they will try to be
there for them and will try to understand them as best they can. Too often in
media, we see examples of characters who are not aspec treating aspec characters
in terrible ways, but being framed as doing it out of love, friendship, or “just
wanting the best for them.” But while this may seem like an okay choice from a
character or story perspective, it is bad from an aspec standpoint. Rather than
people to oppose them, what aro characters – and aspec characters/people of all kinds –
need is people who accept them.
For instance, think of how much better The Big BangTheory would be (at least from an aspec standpoint) if it were centered
less on “mock the nerds – and especially mock Sheldon for being non-sexual and
non-romantic” and centered more on the four main friends actually acting like,
you know, friends. Rather than Sheldon being “othered” because of who he is,
and instead of being portrayed as someone with extremely annoying quirks that
are directly tied to his non-romantic nature, his good relationships could be
highlighted instead. But since we don’t get that version of The Big Bang
Theory, maybe we can learn from those mistakes to craft better stories,
better aro characters, and thus better representation.
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| Image description: A lot of mistakes were made with Sheldon Cooper's character. The challenge is to do better and learn from those mistakes. |
When it comes to characters who are not aromantic who are interacting with your aromantic or non-romantic character, they shouldn’t treat the aro character like a joke or a problem to be fixed, or that being aromantic means they are cold and incapable of love, as I discussed earlier in this essay. If you want to have characters think that, it should be made clear they are mistaken, not your aro character, and bonus points if there are other characters who aren’t aromantic but nevertheless defend your aro character or comfort them after such an experience.
I will be doing a post soon about how people in real life
can be good allies to aspec people of all kinds, and many of the pieces of
advice I would give people in real life apply to how ally characters should be
portrayed as well. They shouldn’t be one-dimensional cheerleaders any more than
the aro character should be a one-dimensional stereotype; a good ally character
is allowed to have flaws too, and maybe even they don’t get it right all the
time either. And more often than not, the aro character shouldn’t be used to
frame how great the ally character is; rather, the ally should be used to
highlight the struggles aro people go through and help non-aro readers relate
to them, understand them, and walk through otherwise difficult to understand
topics. A good ally character brings real-life allies into the story, and helps
real-life aro people have hope that they can have allies in their life too. And
a group of good characters of all kinds is always the secret to a good story.
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So write non-romantic villains… who are not evil simply because
they don’t know how to love. Write bitter old non-romantic people… whose
bitterness is not because they never experienced romance. Write… well, maybe
don’t write aromantic robots; a lot of aro people (myself included) are really
tired of aromantic robots. But if you do write an aromantic robot, don’t make
them an emotionally stunted computer. All in all, remember that aromantic
people are people too, not enigmas that need to be corrected or sad cautionary
tales. I will talk about these things more in a post about the way media
– and people in real life – often treat aspec tendencies as punishment, but for
now, my advice is to not do that. Rather, look at the aromantic spectrum as an amazing
and unique spectrum to explore, and look at aro characters and aro people as
worthy of having their stories told.
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