How to Be a Better Ally

Image description: Rey, Finn, and Poe from the new Star Wars trilogy. In a recent post, I discussed how Rey is one of my favorite headcanon space aces, and here we see her with her friends and allies. Want to be like Finn and Poe (of course you would, they're amazing) and be a great ally? This post might be able to help.

I’m just going to say it – in my experience, being on the asexual and aromantic spectrums is hard. I’m blessed with wonderful friends and family members, people who always seek to understand me and what I’m going through. I’ve had great writer and fandom friends who want to learn more about how to write aspec characters and listen to my opinions on the matter. I’ve had amazing coworkers who are more than just accepting, but are proud to see me speak so frankly about aspec topics. And I’ve found things that make me feel safe, happy, understood, or at the very least help me decompress for a little while.

But when I leave my comfortable and relatively small corner of things and venture out farther – whether in the real world or the internet – I am once again reminded how difficult being aspec can be, especially for me and where I fall on the asexual and aromantic spectrums. Too often, I find myself combatting some kind of anxiety as I am (often unintentionally) forced into uncomfortable situations by people who do not know any better. I find myself afraid more often than not, wondering what new situations I’m not going to be able to handle and stressing about what personal damage control I will have to do as a result. I am almost always worried that the things that mean the most to me will eventually become inaccessible, or wonder what will happen in the fandoms surrounding those things that will make me feel worthless and send me into spirals of self-loathing and doubt.

While a lot of these fears are anxiety-based for me, a lot of them are either caused or made worse by other people doing something upsetting, often completely unintentionally or through no fault of their own. As I’m sure we’ve all done at least once to someone, it is very easy to cross an invisible boundary line that we never meant to cross and simply never knew existed. But it is possible for us as aspec people to help allosexuals see those lines and learn about them, and it is possible for allosexual people to get clearer vision. Naturally, there will always be biased people who have no interest in changing their ways and the sad truth is that sometimes nothing you do or say can change someone’s mind, or that if their mind can be changed, it will not be an easy overnight process. But there are plenty of other people out there who want to learn and do better, who want to actively help the aspec people around them by being better allies, but they simply don’t know how.

So today, I want to address a post specifically to them. If you have ever wanted to be a good friend and ally to aspec people, whether in real life or on the internet, I hope some of these tips will serve as good starting points and will help you think about some of the things you can do to support aspec people in ways that really matter. Although I am presenting this in a “Dos and Don’ts list” format, don’t take this as law; rather, take these as guidelines and branch out from there, considering how these things may apply to the specific aspec people in your life. Even hesitant stumbling efforts are often appreciated and you can learn how to go from there. Without further ado, these are some of the things I believe make for better allies to those of us in aspec communities.

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DO:

·         ✅ #1: Ask aspec people what they think – Some of my happiest moments in fandom have been times when allosexual fans or content creators ask me what I think about things. Whether they’re asking me to give my opinion on their own aspec characters or just talking about my aspec headcanons in a particular fandom, those moments have gone a long way to making me feel welcome in fandom spaces. Being heard is vitally important to any marginalized group, and being willing to listen is what makes a good ally. Asking an aspec person what they think about certain things within fandom culture is a great way to broaden your own horizons and make that person feel seen. You will probably disagree with them from time to time (as is the case with most things in fandom) – heck, if you talk to multiple aspec people, you will probably even find them disagreeing with each other. But perhaps you will also see their point on a few issues and find you have a new, richer appreciation of a character, situation, or piece of media. I think the assumption is that being mindful of these things will limit storytelling, art, or fandom experience, but actually the opposite is true. By discovering what lens other people use to see a piece of media, you can find new things to appreciate and uncover new nuances you never saw before. To me, that’s one of the best ways to unlock creativity.

·         ✅ #2: Be mindful and considerate – The best allyship is organic and natural. When it comes to being an ally for a group you don’t know much about or only recently became acquainted with, the process of getting to a point where it’s organic will take a while, but that’s okay. The best thing you can do to get there, and to make the lives of aspec people easier while you do, is to be mindful. While you’re in the process of listening and learning, remind yourself that aspec people may not be comfortable sharing all the time. Some people may not be at a place where they’re ready to be open. Sometimes you may not at all understand where that aspec person is coming from or why they feel certain ways about certain things. Be patient with yourself, with your aspec friends, and with the process.

·        ✅ #3: Change your mindset and your language – I think when most people imagine a non-sexual or non-romantic person, they are either imagining the type of character that would fit neatly into one of my trope essays, or else they are recalling people who have tried to make them change their behavior in the past. I think this is why people are so quick to fall back on words like “prude,” which I’ve mentioned in other essays can be an incredibly damaging word for aspec people (especially ones on the asexual spectrum in particular). And I think this is also why it can be difficult for aspec people to communicate their needs to the allosexual people around them, because for many of us, we fear what our friends and family will think of us and what assumptions they might jump to.
For example, if you’re an allosexual person, especially of another queer identity, and you’ve experienced people being puritanical about your orientation or your sex life, I imagine it can be very easy to assume that all people who are uncomfortable with sex are like that too. But chances are, they’re actually nothing like that. On this blog, I am always exploring how media, advertising, ingrained real-life attitudes, etc. all contribute to making people think certain things about aspec identities whether consciously or unconsciously. If you’ve used the word "prude" in the past or have ever assumed aspec people are all up-tight puritanical weirdos, don’t beat yourself up and think you can never be a good ally. The best thing you can do is simply learn from these things and do better moving forward by choosing to see what an aspec person in your life is actually like and not relying on the things you think aspec people are like.

·       ✅  #4: Make space for aspec creators – My first tip was all about listening, but being a good ally takes more than just stopping there. To be a truly great ally, I believe it is also important to make space for aspec creators, whether that is in a fandom space or a real-world space. Let me explain that a little, because I don’t believe making space for aspec creators means that other creators have to be pushed out or ignored, or that you have to read a certain number of aspec fanfictions to be a good ally, for example. In my opinion and experience, making space can be as simple as commenting on how great the friendship moments are in someone’s non-romantic story, or telling someone who draws or writes non-smut romance that you love what they’re doing. It means assigning value to the things that aspec creators do, especially when it comes to things where they explore aspec identities. Particularly in fandoms where things are heavily based in shipping, romantic and especially sexual content tend to take center stage, leaving most aspec work on the fringes. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there in creative work, and even more to put your identity out in the open as a result. Great allies know that, and know that being supportive is the best way to make an aspec person feel a little more welcome and maybe even a little more confident.

·        ✅ #5: Discuss boundaries – This is similar to the first point about talking to aspec people and listening to what they tell you, but it goes beyond fandom, extending to aspec people in your real life. It may seem like if you’ve known an aspec person for years or they’re a family member, partner, etc. that you already know everything about them. But if you’ve only recently discovered that they are aspec – and indeed if they are just discovering it too – it’s a good idea to reexamine boundaries by simply asking what they may or may not be comfortable with. Some aspec people are okay with hearing about sex or seeing it on TV, reading or writing smut fanfic, etc; others, like me, are not okay with those things and get deeply uncomfortable or even anxious in situations related to them.
Some of the best moments of my loved ones being allies have come when they’ve honored my boundaries, warned me about things they think will make me uncomfortable, or give me control to determine when I no longer want to do something. By doing this and making it clear your aspec friend can determine their own fate in a conversation or situation with you, they will likely feel far more comfortable around you. If you show them they can tell you “no, I don’t want to do that” or “sorry, that makes me uncomfortable” and you’re perfectly all right about it, they will likely feel safe. And if their boundaries change for any reason, it’s important to honor that too.

 

DON’T:

·        ❌ #1: Patronize them – The last point in my “to do” section was about discussing boundaries and how to do so, but there is an important element of that (and all of the above “to do” points): it’s vital to not do this in a way that diminishes aspec people or makes them feel like they are being patronized. Everyone is different, so I can’t tell you exactly how you should explore boundaries or make them feel safe and included, but it’s a process aspec people and their allosexual allies can navigate together. When aspec people tell you something crosses a boundary, believe them and be understanding. And if it doesn’t cross a boundary, believe that too. Learn, grow, and evolve until your relationship arrives at a natural place where you can honor their boundaries, appreciate their identity and amplify their voice if they need it or want it. They are not children and you do not need to do everything for them; you should be there to support them, not steamroll them.

·        ❌ #2: Make generalizations and assumptions – Generalizations are one of the easiest traps to fall into, especially on the internet and especially if your social media has been cultivated so you are surrounded by the things you like. It can be extremely easy to believe that everyone in your fandom thinks the same way you do, especially when it comes to sexual elements. However, in my opinion, generalizations can also be one of the most harmful things aspec people encounter and have been at the heart of some of my worst fandom experiences. The thing about generalizations that makes them so dangerous is that being confronted with the idea that everyone in the fandom feels a certain way and you don’t is very alienating. It can make aspec people feel even more on the fringe and even more misunderstood than they might already. Do your best, therefore, to not assume everyone thinks certain characters should be sexual, for instance, or that everyone wants to see sex or romance portrayed in that piece of media. And also remember that if you don’t get these things, chances are it won’t ruin your experience with that piece of media, but that it may ruin an aspec person’s experience if these things come to pass. Try to keep this in mind and be a bit more mindful of your assumptions about the fandom, the piece of media in general, whatever it may be. Rather than “this is what we all want” or “we all love [insert name of plot point, ship, etc.],” remember that other people may have very valid concerns or discomforts with that same thing.

·        ❌ #3: Take aspec headcanons personally – I think one of the hardest things about representation is that sometimes it feels like one person or group’s representation takes visibility away from another. This is something I tend to see a lot in fandom, where aspec headcanons can become sources of discourse in some circumstances. For instance, when characters in a piece of media are already canonically part of certain racial or sexual minorities, many fans and content creators want to show positive depictions of these characters’ sex lives, as the sexuality of these groups is either often not explored, or is explored in problematic ways. Being able to give validity and careful consideration to these characters and their sex lives is one of the many ways in which fans can bring otherwise marginalized experiences to the forefront. However, there can be friction if fans headcanon these characters as aspec. There have been a few fandoms where I have seen this get very ugly very quickly. Thus, I think it is important to note that, unless an aspec person’s headcanon is directly removing an important element of a character or is otherwise perpetuating a problematic belief about a group of people, they aren’t doing it to take away from your own experiences in conceptualizing a character.
It is also common for fans to consider aspec headcanons a threat to their favorite ship or their own conceptualization of a character. I will be covering this more in future posts, but I’ve seen fandom wars start over aspec headcanons quite a bit. As I said in the last tip, it’s important to acknowledge that aspec fans may really need these headcanons, since aspec representation is so difficult to come across. Thus, taking these characters from them can be extremely damaging and alienating. Don’t assume everyone in the fandom wants to conceptualize a character a certain way. Fandom harmony and solidarity should not be achieved by tamping down or erasing the headcanons, ideas, or opinions of aspec people; if it is accomplished through this manner, then it isn’t true solidarity.

·        ❌ #4: Make allyship all about yourself – Let’s face it, there is a lot of aphobia in the world, whether it’s in fandom spaces or real life. Thus, it can be very tempting to want to show you’re an ally, and to gain recognition online or even within your own social circles for being such. It’s natural to want to show people you are tolerant and to demonstrate that you are unbiased, but it’s also easy to fall into a trap where your allyship is only about how others perceive you and not actually about the benefit of the people you want to ally with. In my opinion, the best way to avoid this trap is by following the classic writer advice of “show, don’t tell.” If you emphasize showing your allyship, chances are you will do more for aspec people than you would if you merely talked about it. A good way to do that is by following the “do” tips on this list and make room for aspec people and their voices to be appreciated, honored, and validated.

·         ❌ #5: Assume everyone is the same – One of the best things you can do to be a good aspec ally is to be smart. Beautiful connections can emerge when we acknowledge the basic truth that we’re all just humans trying to get by, but as I’ve said before in this post, it’s also great to remember that people approach life through different avenues. While we share a common humanity, one size does not necessarily fit all, which is part of the reason why I urge you to take these tips with a grain of salt. They will not and cannot possibly cover every aspec person and every situation. And in some cases, just because a person identifies as aspec does not necessarily mean they’re someone you will want to interact with. As with any group of people, there are some aspec people who you feel won’t deserve your time or your energy, but I promise there are many, many more who will and who will appreciate the efforts you make. Overall, just as it was when we were in Kindergarten, “treat others as you would like to be treated” is still a great way to go.

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If you’re just beginning to learn about the asexual and aromantic spectrums, it can seem tough to figure out how to best embrace them. If you have someone in your life who just came out to you as aspec, you may be feeling lost and confused, wondering how to approach them and their identity. But I hope these tips remind you that aspec people are people too and they, like anyone, want support, kindness, and respectful consideration. As an ally, you have the power to provide all of those things in ways that are actually very easy and accessible. All you need to do is be open, kind, and willing to listen.

I know I myself am very grateful for my allosexual allies and friends, and draw tremendous strength from them; I know many other aspec people do as well. We need and value our allies and we could always use more. But don’t forget, one of the best ally tips of all is to remember the “A” in LGBTQIA+ stands for asexual/aromantic.