An Introduction to Writing Asexual and Aromantic Characters

 

Image Description: Josephine Montilyet from Dragon Age: Inquisition - aka, one of my favorite headcanon ace characters - with her writing tablet in hand. Knowing Josie, she's probably writing an important diplomatic document, but let's pretend she's writing a fabulous ace-friendly story. Want to know how to write good asexual and aromantic characters too? You've come to the right post!

 

In 2020, I embarked on a bit of a series of posts discussing aphobic tropes in media. The idea behind it was to establish a baseline of the worst kinds of non-romantic and non-sexual portrayals we tend to see in media (the “bad” and the “ugly,” to borrow from my blog’s description), with the hope that establishing this starting point would allow future analysis to be built on top of it. But I am a firm believer in not just shedding light on the bad, but pointing out the places where maybe we can do better.

Recently, I celebrated this blog’s first anniversary by discussing the importance of using our voices – an extremely appropriate topic to herald another series of posts, this time about how to write better aspec and arospec characters. This is a topic I think about a lot, being both an AroAce person and a writer myself, and when I critique media for their portrayal of characters with aspec tendencies, I am immediately thinking about how it can be done better. This is part of why I am so inspired by the influx of young adult novels that portray characters who are non-sexual and/or non-romantic, or that tell stories about young aspec people discovering their identities. I am also inspired when people I know reach out to me to ask if characters they’re writing as aspec in fanfiction are portrayed well, or when they ask how to include more aspec and arospec friendly themes in their work.

So to kick off this new little series, I thought I’d give you an overview of what I think constitutes a good starting point for writing non-sexual and non-romantic characters – a “do’s” and “don’t’s” list, if you will. Through various posts, I will be elaborating on and expanding many of these points, as well as taking more nuanced looks at how to vastly improve not just representation, but hopefully writing in general. However, this is only my take on things (which I’m assuming you enjoy, if you’re reading this blog). If you are interested in improving aspec representation and telling better stories, there is so much more out there to explore than I could ever hope to do on my own on this blog. But one step at a time. Let’s take the first step together as I give you my brief run-down of the do’s and don’t’s of writing asexual and aromantic characters!

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Image description: Why, yes, this is the "John Mulaney no/yeah" meme. Relying on worn-out tropes, tired jokes, and mockery when writing non-sexual or non-romantic characters? NO!!! Using aspec terminology, thoughtful characterization, and research to write non-sexual or non-romantic characters? Yeah!

DO:

·         ✅#1: Use terminology well – One thing I notice a great deal in media that falls into patterns of aphobia is that they are fearful of ever using any type of ace and/or aro terminology, or are ignorant of it entirely. On the flip side of that, media that I feel succeeds at writing good aspec characters is media that is perfectly willing to use phrases such as “asexual,” “ace” “asexual spectrum,” "aromantic," or any various romantic orientations. By learning and employing some of these basic aspec terms, writers can prevent their characters from seeming like oddities. But the caveat here is the word “well.” The asexual and aromantic spectrums are diverse and complex; using terminology wrong can be just as bad as never using it at all, so be cautious and check your facts (more on that later). Even I have needed some help with that sometimes! And if you are writing something where aspec terminology isn’t necessarily something you can use (in a period piece, for example, or in a sci-fi/fantasy world where such terminology is superfluous), you can still find ways to work ace-friendly buzzwords or recognizable phrases into your story (more on that in another post).

·         ✅#2: Explore the spectrum – As I just said above, writing an “asexual” character begs many questions about what exactly the identity of the character might be. What’s their romantic orientation, if they have one? Are they demiromantic or demisexual? Are they sex-repulsed or sex positive? Does this affect the way they view their concept of gender? All of these are elements of the asexual and aromantic spectrums, the broad and diverse ways asexual and aromantic identities can present themselves. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to figure out where a character is on those spectrums, or allowing their own exploration of that to be part of the story. Your characters can move up and down the spectrums as they uncover parts of themselves, as long as it’s made clear that that journey is a valid one. The more aspec representation the better, so don’t be afraid to explore aspec characters of all kinds.

·        ✅#3: Let your characters be more than just their identity – I know it’s certainly true for me, and I’m sure it probably is for many aspec and arospec people, that my aspec identity is a huge part of who I am. It colors certain ways I see the world, how I relate to people and things around me, and how I present myself in many situations. But it’s only one part of me, and the same should be true of aspec and arospec characters as they explore themselves and the world. For me, my identity is woven into the things I do and the things I like, and it colors my decision processes or my feelings in many situations. Those things are great to explore in your narrative, especially if you want the aspec character and their journey to be a central focus. But beyond that, there are also several things in my life that are independent of my identity and these things can be wonderfully added to your character to give them life. Even little things like their fashion sense, what pet they have, their hobbies, and more can all be things that give them depth beyond just being “an aspec character” and can help readers of all kinds relate to them.

·         ✅#4: Allow aspec characters to control jokes – Jokes and comedy can provide a great way to help both characters and real people deal with what might feel like tough or uncomfortable situations. But there is a difference between genuine laughter or awkward laughter, a shared joke or a joke at someone else’s expense. If you are using humor regarding an aspec character or the character themselves tends to couch everything in humor, remember that the character needs to be the one in control of the joke, or at the very least needs to be shown as the person who has the upper hand in the comedic situation. A good example of this can be found in Dragon Age’s Cole. There is a humorous moment in the game that could be cringey, but finds its humor in Cole turning the situation around when another character tries to hire him a prostitute and he instead uses his spirit powers to help her heal a secret emotional pain she carries. This joke works because it turns the joke around on the other character, rather than mocking Cole for his lack of sexual response. In general, joking about such things can be tough, so always make sure you are putting yourself in the shoes of the aspec character. If someone told this joke about you, how would it make you feel?

·         ✅#5: Be mindful of how non-aspec characters act – One of the best things you can do for aspec and arospec people is not just accept them, but respect them. Respect is a complicated and broad sort of term, but in this case, I mean respect in the sense of going beyond just saying “I acknowledge you,” and instead saying “I see you.” To truly see an aspec person is to see their struggles, and to seek to understand more about who they are and how you can help them exist comfortably. If you are writing stories that are mindful of that too, one of the best things you can do for your characters is be aware of how your non-aspec characters act. This can apply to how they interact with aspec characters in the narrative, or how they act in general. Your non-aspec characters may slip up sometimes, that’s part of what makes them well-rounded characters; but if you want to write characters who are good allies, I recommend framing their actions as helpful towards aspec characters rather than coming from attitudes of wanting to change those characters. And even in stories where non-aspec characters are the driving force, it is possible to have them act in ways that do not make aspec people feel uncomfortable by being mindful of what they say and do, and if it unintentionally relies on aphobia.

·        ✅#6: Ask aspec and arospec people for their opinions – Not sure what’s good representation? Want to know how something would make an aspec person feel or what they’d say in a given situation? Ask! Now, a slight disclaimer on this can be found in the “Don’t” section, so please read that before you ask, but if you know of a non-sexual or non-romantic person who is willing to answer your questions, it’s generally a great idea to get their advice. When my non-aspec friends come to me to ask for my advice on characters or stories with aspec themes, I am always so grateful. Taking the time to consult with aspec and arospec people of varying backgrounds and identities will help strengthen your characters and your stories – and give you some darn interesting perspectives too.

·         ✅#7: Seek various sources and stories – As I said at the beginning of this post, now more than ever we are starting to see works of fiction that portray varied and diverse non-sexual and non-romantic characters. Looking up lists of these books and reading aspec perspectives (like mine!) on what these stories do well when portraying their aspec characters is an extremely useful tool. Additionally, you can easily find real stories of real aspec people all over the internet through blogs like my own, as well as aspec-specific social media accounts whose whole purpose is exploring the experience of life on the asexual or aromantic spectrums. Often times, they have resources and links where you can learn more about the various identities on these spectrums too. It is always a good idea to do your research and branch out, but the good news is that this can be done in fun, easy, and accessible ways that can help you create well-developed and respectfully thought out aspec characters that people of all backgrounds will find relatable.

DON’T:

·        ❌#1: Use terminology as a way to mock or trivialize – Earlier, I spoke about how validating it can be to use terminology. But terminology can also be weaponized, either intentionally or unintentionally, and can be used to make aphobia worse. An obvious example of this is using terminology in a story as a way to disprove the very thing you’re referring to, but there are less obvious examples as well. For instance, using “asexual” as a shorthand to mark a character as “other”, or using it to mock a non-sexual person. Terminology can also get confused in ways that end up being harmful. For instance, conflating asexuality (an orientation) with celibacy (a choice) leads to both things being devalued, ignored, or misunderstood. This is also true of assuming aspec identities and arospec identities are automatically the same. Again, these are broad and diverse spectrums, and research is the key to being able to use technology properly and effectively. Never use terminology as an insult or with anything other than respect and care.

·        ❌#2: Use a character’s appearance or desirability to invalidate their aspec-ness – This might sound like a strange or even obvious one, but this is an extremely important thing to keep in mind when writing aspec or arospec characters. This is something that tends to happen a lot in fandom, where it is assumed that because a character is attractive or highly desired (in the world of the story, the fandom, or both), they cannot possibly be aspec. On the opposite side, very similar to the previous bullet point, the idea that a character should be asexual or aromantic because they are considered conventionally “unattractive” is likewise problematic. In general, a character’s physical appearance should not be the thing that their aspec-ness is based on or disproved by. While it may play a role in their story and may effect some of what their aspec experience is like, it should only be one part of it.

·        ❌#3: Rely on tropes – As I said in my introductory post to my trope series, there is nothing inherently wrong with the idea of a trope; it’s basically just a storytelling convention. But if your character can be entirely summarized with a few tropes, chances are they’re a bit one-dimensional. Additionally, many of the common tropes about non-sexual and non-romantic people are deeply troubling, as I discussed in that trope series. Thus, relying on them not only leads to characters who are one-dimensional, but also ones that perpetuate aphobic stereotypes.

·        ❌#4: Make aspec characters the butt of the joke – Again, another one that probably seems obvious. However, so many of the examples of aphobia in media that I’ve previously analyzed are aphobic in large part because they do exactly this. A good example is comedy series The Big Bang Theory, which routinely makes Sheldon the butt of jokes about his non-sexual and non-romantic nature. Many of these jokes center on the fact that Sheldon is completely innocent when it comes to these matters, but unlike in my previous example with Cole where it is clear we are supposed to laugh at the other character, The Big Bang Theory makes it clear we are supposed to be laughing at Sheldon. Setting an aspec character up as the butt of a joke about their identity makes the character, their opinions, and their value systems seem wrong and worthy of correction. It means it is okay to not take them seriously and thus dismiss them when they try to share their experiences. It may start with the intention of being funny, but it almost always ends in being aphobic.

·         ❌#5: Assume that “asexual/aromantic stories” are “niche” – One of the worst things about the lack of aspec representation and visibility in culture is that it’s easy to push aspec people to the fringe of things. This leads to the assumption that aspec-friendly media is a very, very small niche, which in turn makes it hard to get more representation, causing a vicious circle. When the assumption is that asexuality, aromanticism, and their related identities are not important to represent and don’t have enough interest to be worth anyone’s time, getting more visibility becomes impossible. That is why it’s important to not fall into the idea that aspec stories are just for aspec people, or that they’re too specialized for the mainstream. Even if a story is not about the asexual or aromantic spectrums or aspec characters aren’t in the forefront, that doesn’t mean they can’t be included at all or that elements of the world and the characters in it can’t be aspec-friendly. The assumption that adding non-sexual and/or non-romantic elements to a story automatically makes it niche is a very troubling notion that at times is supported by consumers or fandoms, so it’s an especially important one to avoid.

·         ❌#6: Demand aspec people give you their stories, or reject them if they disagree with you – While discussing your characters with aspec people can help give you a whole new perspective on how non-sexual or non-romantic identities can be portrayed with respect, it’s important to remember that not everyone may be comfortable sharing their experiences with you. There may be people in your life who identify as an aspec identity to you, but have not yet come out in general, or there may be people whose identity has been a source of hardship or pain. Other people too just might not feel comfortable enough talking about aspec topics candidly. It is important for the non-aspec people around aspecs to honor, respect, and protect their boundaries, not treat them like an object of curiosity whose identity can be used (avoiding the "token queer" mentality is vital). Aspec people don’t owe their story to anyone, so if someone is unwilling or unable to answer your questions, treat them with kindness or respect. Never demand that someone answer your questions, and especially don’t have them read content that you think will make them uncomfortable. Additionally, if you do consult with an aspec person about how they think you could improve your characters or stories, do not reject their advice out of hand if it’s different than what you were expecting. If you talk to an ace or aro friend about your story and they suggest some changes, hash it out with them – ask what they think would make it better, brainstorm changes together if they’re willing, and don’t be afraid to get a diversity of opinions on the matter. But if you are met with the suggestion that you’ve done something that should be changed, don’t take it as a criticism (I know, that’s far easier said than done); rather, take it as an opportunity to learn and use it as a stepping stone to create better characters and stories in the future. Plus, your aspec friend will likely be grateful you took their advice to heart and used it for positive growth!

·         ❌#7: Rely on just me – As I’ve said approximately 100 times, not just here but everywhere on the blog, these things are just my opinion. I’m sure there are some aspec people who will disagree with my examples or suggestions. Other aspec people will be looking for something completely different when they come to a story, and that’s okay. The internet is full of other aspec people consulting on how to write good aspec characters and situations – for instance, writing-specific Tumblr blogs are good starting points. I highly recommend using my advice as a starting point and doing more research on your own. There’s a lot out there, but it’s all worth exploring! I promise it will be worth your while if you approach it as a new experience rather than something overwhelming. Open your mind – and your word doc – and create an amazing world where we can all exist together!

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These are just a few points to get you started. In future posts, I will be diving into further points and new topics, such as discussing how to write certain specific identities like demisexuality or aromanticism, how to write ace romance, even how to write non-aspec characters or stories that don’t invalidate asexuality, aromanticism, or other identities on the spectrums. And of course, even if they aren’t specifically a part of this writing series, many of my posts this year will be about topics that I hope will be helpful when writing characters of any orientation.

So if you’re not on the ace or aro spectrums or you’ve never written an aspec character but would like to, I hope these tips will show you it’s possible. And if you are aspec and you want to tell a good story about relatable aspec character, I hope this blog series will give you a little bit of inspiration. Visibility and representation are something we have to work for, but with a little bit of mindfulness, we have the power to make our voices heard and to magnify the voices of others.