How to Write Relatable Asexual and Aromantic Characters

Image description: Merida from Pixar's Brave is, in my opinion, about as relatable a non-romantic, non-sexual character as they come. Her crazy hair and constant facepalming are 100% a mood, but even more than that, in her we see a character with flaws who makes mistakes, who wants things, who learns and grows, and who does it all without losing her AroAce tendencies. In today's post, I explore examples of how to write "relatable" aspec characters and give my opinion on tips for success.

I’m sure anyone who ever had a writing or grammar class in school has heard this sentiment or something similar: “‘said’ is dead.” It’s a phrase that encourages writers to use something other than “said” when writing dialogue, emphasizing the idea that the word is overused. While there are definitely some problems that can arise by saying any overused word is “dead,” I’m sure there are words used in media that many of us likewise feel are frustratingly overused to the point of no longer having meaning. If you tend to analyze female characters in media, one such word that can feel played out is “strong.” For me, in my own analysis, I tend to wonder if I’m doing something similar every time I refer to a character as “relatable.”

In everyday speech, I often find myself saying things like “I feel that,” or using “relatable” to mean things that strike a chord in the moment. But when it comes to creating non-sexual or non-romantic characters, what does it mean to have them be “relatable”? This idea will inevitably mean different things to different aspec and arospec people who have diverse stories and experiences they long to see reflected in characters. However, I think it’s a good general rule to consider a “relatable” character someone who has flaws as well as strengths, who is compelling enough to follow for the entire length of a work, and whose struggles teach us something deep and meaningful about ourselves. This is important for characters of any kind, but when it comes to ace and aro characters, these things take on a whole new meaning – especially when other characters and plot are added to the mix.

As always, these are just my opinions, reflective of my own experiences as an AroAce writer and someone who yearns for better representation in media. I hope these examples will serve as good starting points for thinking about what complex experiences might look like in your stories, and will encourage writers and media consumers of all kinds to keep exploring what would make a good story.

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Creating “complex” characters

Another overplayed word alert! This is another one of those terms like “strong” that kind of feels like it has no meaning. What does it mean to be “complex?” Or what makes a character’s life, experiences, or personality “complex?” Perhaps a better way to say this is “multi-faceted” – like real people, they should have a lot going on under the surface. As I mentioned in my “Do’s and Don’t’s” post, any good character is more than just one thing, and that’s true of ace and/or aro characters too. For many of us on the spectrum, our identities are a huge part of what make us who we are, and how we conceptualize the world is of course colored by that fact. But we also have so much that makes us who we are other than just being on the aromantic or asexual spectrums. These things will often go hand in hand (the way being AroAce and a geek does for me), and when you explore that in your characters, it makes them seem more authentic and real.

Two good examples are the respective protagonists of two ace books I reviewed for the blog previously – Alice of Let’s Talk About Love and Tash from Tash Hearts Tolstoy. Although both Alice and Tash’s stories are heavily about them discovering/exploring their identities, there is a lot that makes both protagonists feel like real individuals. Whether it’s Alice’s love of food, Tash’s love of Tolstoy, their respective geekiness, the unique family situations both young women are living through, drama with their friends, or what have you, there is a lot going on in their lives. Some of this is independent of their ace identities and some of it is interwoven – for instance, both of them feel a sense of alienation in their peer groups because they know they don’t see the world like all of their friends do, but they also struggle with things like their friends moving away or going to colleges where their friends won’t also be. These issues therefore can run on parallel tracks, creating situations with great depth that feel like looking at a painting that has multiple layers of images to create the illusion of distance. Creating characters whose experiences appeal not just to the aspec-ness of a person, but also to their basic humanity is the key to good representation, because it shows aspec people are more than the limiting and one-sided tropes that we often see sprinkled throughout media.

But of course, part of giving a character dimension includes giving them flaws as well as strengths. This means giving them things they are bad at, but also giving them moments where they are wrong. Maybe they get into trouble or make a bad decision or let their emotions run away with them; I know I’ve done all of those things in my life, and I’m sure the same can be said about everybody. Therefore, a good and realistic character will be able to say the same thing.

When it comes to giving a character flaws, I think the tendency is to either give a character no flaws or very few flaws out of the fear that they will be tarnished, or else overcompensate and give them too many flaws to the point of becoming unlikeable. Again, “unlikeable” will mean different things to different people, so it’s impossible to have a formula that will automatically give your character a good balance of traits; not to mention the idea of flaws changes depending on character, story, and setting. But in the case of writing ace or aro characters, there are certain things that are used in media as a shorthand for “unlikeable” that are used against non-romantic and non-sexual character specifically, and thus it is a good idea to try to avoid some of those things.

When I did my analysis of aphobic tropes in media, something I tended to see a lot was that the non-sexual and non-romantic characters I was analyzing seemed to be portrayed as bizarre or unlikeable on purpose. The media they are in often went out of its way to demonstrate these characters are rude, eccentric, cold, etc. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with writing characters who exhibit these traits, even aromantic or asexual characters; however, media often seems to claim that these traits and the character’s ace or aro tendencies go together, and that these are all bad traits that should (and probably will) be changed. But when the goal is to create good representation, it is far better to create characters whose experiences are allowed to be valid and whose lives contain depth that is well-explored throughout the story. It is okay to give your character flaws and even have that character work to change them, but their identity should not be portrayed as one of those flaws. Learning to be more kind, for instance, should not automatically mean that a character now knows how to love and can have a romantic relationship.

Image description: Writing non-sexual or non-romantic characters with flaws = good; making these same characters purposely problematic = bad. Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory often feels like an example of the latter, and often falls victim to many of the aphobic tropes you should avoid when trying to write respectful and thoughtful ace or aro characters.

Perhaps the most important thing about giving your character some flaws is that these flaws should work to make them more well-rounded and thus should make their story more interesting. There should be moments where these flaws get in the way of what they want or where their own perception of their flaws presents a challenge. Earlier in this post, I mentioned that a good character is a character “compelling” enough to follow through the whole story, and by that I mean we should care about them and what happens to them. We should be rooting for them to get what they want and to succeed. These things are true of any story that has good characters, but when it comes to stories about aspec characters that aspec people will likely be reading in the hopes of finding something to identify with, it becomes especially important. For that reason, “relatable” ace characters can often be more accurately defined as “identifiable” – a character whose struggle feels authentic to an experience that real ace and/or aro people might go through and whose behaviors feel like genuine reflections of those experiences. This allows you to create characters who don’t always act perfectly in every situation (just like a real person), but whose pathos is explored all the same.

For example, something I really appreciated about Tash in Tash Hearts Tolstoy was that she sometimes had bad knee-jerk reactions to moments where her friends unknowingly made jokes she took offense to. For instance, when one of her best friends refers to her and her internet crush as “voice virgins” because they’ve never spoken to each other in person, Tash gets palpably irked at the use of the word “virgin,” since her friends know she is asexual. The important part of this moment with Tash is that we as the reader can see why she’s upset and her friends can too (there are other moment in the novel that I feel don’t use that tactic as effectively, but that’s neither here nor there). Tash’s moment of annoyance and the discomfort she feels in situations like this one are extremely identifiable as struggles I myself have gone through, and I’m sure I’m not alone in that.

This example ties in nicely to the next point I would like to make about what struggles ace and aro characters go through and how they should be explored. What struggles are “relatable” or “identifiable” from an aspec perspective? And how can these struggles be explored in ways that don’t diminish non-sexual or non-romantic characters, but rather can elevate them and help contribute to representation in positive ways?

How your characters struggle is important

I once saw a simple breakdown that plot is what happens when your characters encounter conflict, but I’m sure some of you may have seen more complicated breakdowns. There’s the rising action-falling action plot chart, the different types of conflict (i.e. – man vs. man, man vs. nature, man vs. self, etc.), the basic idea that a story must have a beginning, a middle, and end, although not necessarily in that order, so on and so forth. I’m not a creative writing teacher (or any kind of teacher for that matter), so my goal with this post is not to teach you what method you should follow to structure your plot; however, I do want to bring up what I think is an essential part of making good aromantic or asexual representation, and that is considering how your characters encounter conflict and what it means for their identity.

Whether you are writing a story where the character’s aspec identity is the focal point or just a part of who they are that functions within the larger narrative, this issue is an important one. When your characters come up against other characters, how does their identity affect these encounters, if at all? How does their life philosophy mesh or not mesh with those around them and what does that mean for them? And if their identity is the driving factor of the plot, what conflicts does that bring up and how do they navigate them? In my opinion, the answer to all of these questions is that your character’s identity should be validated – not at the expense of other people’s identities or experiences, but as a part of the overall narrative you are weaving.

For instance, occasionally your characters may (and probably will) come up against people who don’t accept them, or situations where they feel uncomfortable. This is a very identifiable issue that many people within asexual and aromantic communities can related to. Thus, how your character approaches the situation has a tremendous opportunity to provide an identifiable scenario that aspec people will see and recognize. There is nothing wrong with portraying situations in which your ace or aro characters encounter push back and have to struggle through it, but it’s the way that they and people around them react that is the true test of representation. Is that character able to change the mind of the person who is unaccepting of them? Does a moment of confrontation on the subject lead to them cutting a toxic relationship out their life? Does it bring them an epiphany that leads to greater self-love or self-acceptance? These are all good questions to ask yourself. Seeing characters rise above aphobia in ways that feel attainable is a great element of representation.

On the other hand, you can also create a world that acts as a safe space, where ace and aro characters are accepted without question by those around them, but you choose to give them struggles in other areas. The important part is that their struggles – whatever they may be – should not cause them to lose who they are. Life may be hard or they may go through things that make them feel hopeless, but the best asexual representation is that which offers a glimmer of hope that there are better things waiting.

Additionally, be mindful of how other characters interact with your character. If part of your aspec character’s struggle is that people around them don’t understand them but you still want those characters to be likeable, maybe include moments where they and your aspec character have in-depth meaningful discussions. If you want to include characters who mock and dismiss the aspec character, the wisest course of action will be to show that this character is wrong to do that. You don’t have to necessarily demonize them, but they should not be the one who wins. In order to make relatable struggles that contribute in positive ways to asexual and aromantic representation, I highly recommend giving your ace and aro characters the ability to come out of any conflicts they go through with a net gain rather than a net loss.

Different world? No problem!

Anyone who is a fan of science fiction, fantasy, or historical pieces will tell you that part of the charm of these genres is the ability to find characters we can identify with despite the fantastic settings of these stories. The same thing is true when it comes to ace and aro characters in these genres. Despite the fact that they may exist in settings where words like “aspec,” “asexual,” or “aromantic” don’t exist, there are still plenty of things that writers can do to give us the idea that these characters have aspec tendencies.

Even without the terminology to guide you, so many of the things discussed so far can apply to these types of characters and settings as well. This is something I will bring up in my next ace book review, as that story takes place in a fantasy setting, and it’s also something that was very relevant when I reviewed the book Archivist Wasp. The story takes place in a dystopian future world where, as the author herself says, the main character Wasp has no concept of terms like “aromantic” or “asexual.” However, the author also makes it clear that sex and romance are not something Wasp considers at all and, although terminology is never used in the narrative, Wasp’s behaviors feel like they point to that.

In fact, even if you never once have your character identify as non-sexual or non-romantic, there are many things you can do or bits of characterization you can employ within your fantasy or sci-fi setting that will be identifiable. For instance, you can have a character who feels alone because they don’t see the world as others do, or who doesn’t feel included among people who are romantic or sexual. Perhaps they are forced to endure criticism because of this, or are mocked for it. Their struggles with these things should follow the same guidelines I just discussed in the previous section and will be just as relatable even without the terminology. For example, if you set your story in a dystopian world where the human population is under threat, an aromantic asexual character – even one not identified as such in the narrative – might be seen as selfish or even dangerous by their peers, and exploring their struggle will likely still be identifiable for many ace and/or aro people who might be chastised for the same thing in real life.

But when it comes to writing aspec or arospec characters in sci-fi and fantasy, there is one element I would like to touch on briefly. Earlier I mentioned the struggle to not make your characters unlikeable and mentioned that oftentimes media will purposely portray non-romantic or non-sexual characters as bizarre and lacking basic human understanding. Once again, I find myself considering the question of non-human characters being aspec, because this exact issue is part of the reason why it can be such a slippery slope portraying non-humans as on the asexual or aromantic spectrums. Quite frequently, these characters are already portrayed in media as being inherently separated from the “human experience” and their lack of sexual and/or romantic relationships is often portrayed as part of that.

Despite this, there are some non-human characters that I think could be excellent ace and/or aro representation, despite not being human (my sweet spirit son Cole from Dragon Age: Inquisition comes to mind, for instance). Other non-human characters I’ve discussed in the past – such as Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation or The Doctor from Star Trek: Voyager – have stories and struggles that are often explored within their respective shows, and the fact that they are not human and thus different from everyone else around them is important to their characters. While the media these characters are in often tosses aside exploring potential asexual or aromantic tendencies in favor of stories where they conform, the characters themselves can nevertheless serve as good starting points to see how to craft a well-rounded non-human character, and the places where they fall into aphobic tropes can be learned from to improve for the future.

I generally tend to believe that, at this point in the journey to get more aromantic and asexual representation in media, I would much rather see human characters exploring their identities. But I also believe that, if non-human ace and aro characters are a must for the story or setting, the same guidelines apply for them as apply for human characters. Whether your character is of a fantasy race or is a robot/android/alien/whatever in a sci-fi universe, it is never a bad idea to explore who they are, what they want, and what experiences color their life and opinions. If asexual or aromantic tendencies are a part of that, they can be explored in ways that encourage readers to expand their horizons.

For instance, maybe you have a member of an asexual alien race that wants to be respected by humans despite their difference in culture. Or perhaps you have an aromantic robot who wants to experience human relationships, but to them that means friendship exclusively. Whatever scenario you dream up, make sure it is one that treats non-sexual and/or non-romantic characters as valid, unique, and complicated individuals with wants, dreams, flaws, and fears like any other person or character in media.

Image caption: Although I have tremendous issues with Data the android's "emotion chip" in Star Trek: Generations, I will always love the scene where he cries (yellow) tears of joy when he finds his cat Spot alive. In general, I'd love to see less stories about non-human AroAces finding romance, and more stories about them, for instance, finding furry companions. But this is just one example of something one ace person finds super relatable.

As I said at the beginning of this post, there are so many diverse people and experiences that make up the mosaics of the aspec and arospec communities that one character cannot possibly hope to represent them all. And it is for exactly that reason why more widespread representation is so desperately needed. A handful of stories are amazing, and so much better than we had before. But dozens of stories across all kinds of platforms? That level of detailed and dedicated storytelling, when done right, has tremendous potential to make a huge positive impact in the lives of countless people on both the asexual and aromantic spectrums.

It’s not surprising that so many stories continue to reproduce negative tropes about aspec characters; when these are the only examples we tend to see in popular media, it becomes difficult to break the mold. But regardless of medium, asexual and aromantic representation is important, and by learning how to write good aspec characters, I think we can start to see visibility for these communities increase little and little everyday.  Good stories are the platform in which people of all kinds can explore themselves and figure out how the world works; it is the stage we use to explore and play out life’s big questions. And, if Shakespeare was right that all the world is a stage and all the people are players, I hope that more players from across the aromantic and asexual spectrums can join the production as well.