Ace Book Review: "Tash Hearts Tolstoy" by Kathryn Ormsbee

 "If it is true that there are as many minds as there are heads, then there are as many kinds of love as there are hearts."

- From Tolstoy's Anna Karenina, as quoted in Tash Hearts Tolstoy

For many, reading classics is a struggle, but some of us are lucky enough to find a classical author or novel that draws us in. Mine is The Lord of the Rings, which I read at a time when I really needed it. For Tash Zelenka, the main character in my final “Ace Book Review” book for 2020, it’s the works of Russian author Leo Tolstoy, as the title Tash Hearts Tolstoy so clearly tells us. The 2017 book by Kathryn Ormsbee follows the titular Tash and her best friends over the course of a crazy summer that begins with their webseries “Unhappy Families” (a modern adaptation of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina) becoming accidentally internet famous to the point of being nominated for an award, subjecting Tash and her besties to a barrage of both love and criticism. Suddenly thrust into the internet limelight amid a summer full of drama both online and offline, Tash finds herself doing a lot of reflecting on herself, her place in the world, and most of all, her asexual identity. Especially because going to the award ceremony means coming face to face with Thom, a fellow internet star on whom she has a blossoming crush.

Right off the bat, I found Tash and her story delightful both as a reader and as an aspec person. She’s wonderfully relatable – geeky, witty, occasionally makes mistakes, generally a well-rounded person whose first-person narration throughout the book makes it so easy to get to know her and want to be her friend. From an ace standpoint, her journey and the way her identity comes up at various logical points in the novel is really excellently done. We see echoes of her being aspec right away during the filming of a kissing scene for “Unhappy Families,” where she feels uncomfortable and a bit voyeuristic watching her lead actors share the lip lock. Her narration describes how she doesn’t see the appeal, and there are many times throughout the novel where this sentiment rings true for a lot of things related to relationships. However, she nevertheless ships characters and is happy for friends who do date, something I find immensely relatable. Like me, she adores warm and fuzzy stories and loves when two characters understand each other, which I too believe is the pinnacle of all romance, either real or fictional.

Also relatable is the way Tash’s asexual journey unfolds. It takes over 100 pages for the first mention of aspec terminology to show up in the story, and when it does, it’s a hesitant attempt. I like that she is still figuring herself out, and the way she’s dipping her toes into the idea of this being her identity feels very similar to my own aspec journey when I was in my teens. The doubt and confusion she feels are very genuine as she tries to come to terms with what it means to exist in her skin. She knows sex has no appeal for her, but she thinks romance might and it confuses her. She eventually comes to identify as a romantic asexual, but it’s after a great deal of grappling with terminology and trying to unpack her experiences, a process which is woven throughout the plot of the book. While Tash is working with her friends to film the webseries and grappling with family drama and trying to come to terms with not being able to afford her dream college, moments of her asexuality are sprinkled throughout. It makes it feel even more real, since being aspec is one of many parts of an individual’s experience, one that often dovetails with other parts of day to day life.

Something else that I really appreciate about Tash’s story is the way discovering her aspec identity challenges and changes how she relates to the world around her. When her sex ed teacher at school says all people are sexual, all Tash can think is “not me, why not me?” and wonders how she can be a girl if all girls are supposed to be sexual beings. This feeling bleeds into her family life as well when – SPOILER ALERT! – her mother reveals she’s pregnant. The entire thing obviously causes friction, given both Tash and her older sister are college-age, but it offers a particular challenge for Tash, who I would argue is a little sex-repulsed given her narration mentions she finds the idea of sex “mildly unsettling” at one point. Another way comes in her relationship with her two best friends, Jacklyn (aka - Jack) and Paul (Jack’s older brother). By the time the novel starts, Tash has already come out to Jack and Paul, but it’s a hesitant and awkward attempt, one that leads her friends to a place of acceptance, but also confusion. Although they try to do some research and are generally there for her, their confusion nevertheless mirrors the confusion I encounter from those close to me at times and I really appreciate that the difficulty of the process is acknowledged.

That difficulty Tash feels navigating her feelings allows the narrative to bring up these and other complicated issues we in aspec communities face without having them seem out of place. Rather, they feel like logical issues she must grapple with at any given moment and they continue to move the plot along while examining these issues at the same time. A good and especially seamless example of this is how the narrative brings up the misconception that the “A” in LGBTQA stands for “ally” and not “asexual.” Tash discusses going to a school meeting of the Gay-Straight alliance, but identifying herself as an ally, which the other people in the group accept by citing that oft-believed idea about the LGBTQA acronym. It’s an event that makes her feel like she doesn’t belong and doesn’t count, even in queer spaces. Additionally, one of the actors in the webseries is gay and although Tash feels like he would support her if she came out to him as ace, she almost feels guilty that she doesn’t experience sexual attraction when he’s hated for his own. It’s an excellent way to show she feels out of place and like she doesn’t know where she can go to express her genuine feelings, which is something I relate to immensely.

Many times on this blog, I’ve discussed the difficulties I experience in my search for safety and understanding, and as such, there are several times when Tash’s struggle really resonates with my own. For instance, around the time I was reading this book, I was feeling especially dissatisfied with the fact that it seems like I am forced to live in a world preoccupied with judging people by whether or not they’re good sexual fodder. Similarly, Tash laments how unfortunate it is that sex feels like its hanging over everyone and everything all the time and that she fears her life is only ever going to be a disappointment where she doesn’t fit in or people think they need to fix her. Like me, Tash feels trapped in a world where everyone views each other through the narrow lens of sexual attraction and she feels alienated within it. This even comes up in her experiencing a very real and familiar reaction towards herself – the fear of being seen as a prude.

As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I have personal experience with the word “prude” being used to silence me. As such, I look at this word as an awful demon, but I am also glad when it gets used in aspec literature because more people should understand just how terrible a word it is. In Tash’s case, “prude” is something that preys upon her doubts, specifically when it comes to Thom, her aforementioned internet crush. Although Tash and Thom know of each other because of their respective vlogs, they’ve never met in person; instead, they communicate through texts, many of which are a bit flirty. With the prospect of meeting in person for the awards ceremony, Tash is suddenly confronted with the idea that, should things go well, she will have to tell Thom she is asexual and her immediate fear is that it will get her labelled a prude. The way this word plays into her doubts and fears about her identity feels very genuine from an asexual point of view, as do all of her fears and moments of confusion.

Because the novel is first-person, we as readers really get to come along with Tash and experience her emotions in great depth, such as when we see her panic the moment Thom’s text flirting takes on a sexual tone. Tash feels like this moment of sexuality manages to retroactively tarnish all the moments that have come before it, and how upset and uncomfortable the whole thing makes her is painfully accurate/accurately painful. I also like that this type of thing is not just limited to Thom; Tash’s own best friends sometimes unknowingly force her into that uncomfortable place through jokes or glib comments. While they never mean anything malicious by it and are always very apologetic, it’s a good example of how the people around aspecs can be accepting but still lack an understanding of what their aspec friends or family members truly need.

SPOILER WARNING!

In the case of Tash’s friends, they believe her identity means she hates men and doesn’t want to ever date, which becomes especially contentious when her best friend Paul confesses a long-held crush on Tash, which the narrative makes clear she reciprocates. Since Tash’s coming out, Paul has believed a relationship to be impossible and she has felt likewise, since she knows Paul is allosexual. What happens next is complicated and a bit confusing, much like the emotions Tash is clearly feeling in the moment. When Paul asserts his belief they could make things work, she tries to call his bluff, expressing her fear that any relationships she has with a non-ace person will always be marred by the knowledge that her partner really just wants “what’s underneath,” as in, her body and sex. Her concerns are valid, but the method and what happens later make the moment a bit difficult to navigate.

For a start, when Tash accuses Paul of treating her like an enigma or acting like he can fix her, she’s citing valid issues that many aspec people go through. However, the weird tension of the moment almost makes it seem a little irrational rather than something to be taken at face value. Furthermore, although both Tash and Paul say some irrational and heated things in the moment, Tash is the one who gets most of the blowback, especially from Jack, who reprimands Tash for her treatment of Paul. While it’s obvious Jack would want to defend her brother, the whole thing makes it seem like Tash is entirely in the wrong – and while I wouldn’t say she’s exactly in the right, I don’t think she’s wrong for being scared, confused, or upset, and the fact that Jack frames it like Tash takes her friends for granted and should be sorry is a little disheartening. Additionally, when Jack tells Tash about a cute plan Paul had for asking her to a school dance, she adds, “and then a week later you tell us your news.” She makes it seem like Tash’s coming out is inconvenient for them, which is admittedly a little cringey, especially because Jack accuses her of being oblivious to anyone’s feelings but her own. The fact that Tash feels this is harsh but fair and believes she probably deserves worse is likewise disheartening.

Soon after, things only get worse for Tash when she meets Thom at the awards show. After an excellent date, Thom suggests they go back to Tash’s hotel room, which prompts her into a clunky coming out… which goes about as terribly as I was expecting. Thom takes it as a declaration that she doesn’t like him and of course expresses confusion about it because Tash often talks about literary crushes and such – people she likes from a purely aesthetic point of view, which seems to be a concept he can’t understand. This wouldn’t in of itself be a problem. After all, Tash’s friends have experienced similar confusion and there were similar moments of confusion between the leads in the first ace book I reviewed for this blog. However, where Thom moves out of “confusion” and into “serious contender for the jerk hall-of-fame” is when he claims she’s scared of sex (he doesn’t say “prude,” but he might as well) and states she can’t possibly know she’s asexual because she’s only seventeen and is probably only saying so because she saw it on the internet. While part of me feels this is a bit of a quick-fix to what was shaping up to be a love triangle – especially since things go to hell so fast after Tash and Thom finally meet in person – I nevertheless think it’s an essential thing to include because it allows Tash to draw a line in the sand. When faced with Thom’s criticism, she is firm in saying she knows this about herself and acknowledges that she could try to make it work, but knows that doing so would be for his sake, not hers, and lets him leave.

This disastrous confrontation makes it all the more poignant when Tash returns home and discusses things with Paul, who assures her he would be okay with just hugging her and nothing else. It’s a moment that makes her realize how "safe and known" she feels with Paul, who encourages her to embrace the now and enjoy the moment, stating that they can figure things out in the future whenever it comes. It’s an excellent acknowledgement that things won’t always be easy – which is a theme of the whole book – but also that they’re worth it. Tash cites one of her favorite Tolstoy quotes as proof of this fact – “if you want to be happy, be,” which she interprets as meaning life is full of both good and bad, but you have to exist to experience it all.

While a few of these moments are complicated to parse out, they don’t take away from this moving, funny, heartfelt story about the challenges and triumphs of life. Rather, they make the narrative richer, and all the more relatable to my current situation. In fact, the end of the book brought tears to my eyes. As the summer comes to a close, with “Unhappy Families” finished and new circumstances both “splendid and terrifying” presenting themselves, Tash chooses to undertake a new project – talking about herself, her life, and her asexual experience. She refers to it as being honest, harkening back to a conversation she had with George, one of the actors on “Unhappy Families,” following the events at the award show. George was the jerk of the cast, but he is there for Tash when she needs him and tells her his belief that it’s better to be honest than happy because “even if you’re happy first, you’ll eventually have to be honest with yourself.” By the end of the book, she interprets this philosophy of honesty as being known by herself and being honest about that fact in particular.

END OF SPOILERS

Overall, I really enjoyed this book and I'm glad I got to encounter Tash's character. Like a lot of people right now, my life is a mess, and Tash’s life is a mess too. It makes me really appreciate reading about her struggles, how she learns to deal with circumstances she can’t control, how she has to adapt and make these things a part of her life without compromising herself. I was not expecting to find her and her story so inspirational, but watching her learn to embrace herself is an echo of my own efforts to do the same for myself. Admittedly, sometimes I have my doubts about speaking my truth, but Tash reminds me that I’m being honest, that who I am and what I do matters, and that I am many things, but alone is not one of them.