Remembering the "Forgotten Boy" - An Asexual Analysis of Cole from Dragon Age

Image caption: A promotional image of Cole from Dragon Age: Inquisition

The story of my asexual and aromantic awakening is not a remarkable one. Like many aspec people, my journey began first with a sense of confusion with what was defined as “normal life” when it came to sexual and romantic identity, followed by an even deeper confusion at seeing those around me start to undertake that life. At around thirteen years old, I began to realize I was an outsider. Whatever all my friends were beginning to discover and all my relatives said would soon be mine was eluding me, and I was left with the slowly mounting sense that I would always be left looking in on a world that I could never share.

This confusion slowly melted into fatigue – first fatigue at the notion of being left behind and then fatigue with the very idea of the thing. The notion of being so alienated was hard to wrap my head around, but so too was the notion of giving up and becoming something that didn’t feel right just because that’s what everyone around me expected of me. So I pushed back as much as I could and desperately sought an answer that could shed light on my own experiences. And, being one of the lucky ones, I found it and it fit. But although my quest to figure out who I really am has long since led me to a destination, I am still a wanderer and most days my path is an extremely lonely one.

The fact that you’re reading this shows just how lucky I am. I am blessed with acceptance from those who mater most to me and I have platforms such as this one to discuss asexuality, aromanticism, and related topics. But often times I find myself severely lacking the things that most people probably take for granted. Even just the sense of being comfortable in normal day to day situations sometimes eludes me, as does a luxury most people never even consider – being able to find characters you can identify with. In fact, when it comes to characters, I have found very few whose journey feels representative of my own. I was definitely not expecting to find one such character in a fantasy video games series, especially not in the form of a character who speaks in poetry, love hats, and came from the world spirits. So imagine my surprise when I was first introduced to Cole, a spirit boy who just wants to help, one of the companion characters from 2014’s Dragon Age: Inquisition – aka, one of my favorite things on the planet.

Spoiler warning! 

Dragon Age: Asunder (novel)

Dragon Age: Inquisition (game) - particularly elements of the quest "Subjected to His Will"

Minor Cole specific spoilers for Dragon Age: Trespasser (downloadable content for Inquisition)

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An introduction to Cole

BioWare’s Dragon Age series is a fantasy roleplay video game series set in the fictional world of Thedas, a land of magic, demons, and not as many dragons as you might think. Like any RPG worth its salt, you control the decisions that are made throughout the game and watch as your choices effect the world around you. And like any good piece of media, video game or otherwise, the series draws its strength from the colorful cast of characters that accompany you on your journey.

Dragon Age is a passion of mine that came into my life completely by accident about three years ago, mostly thanks to these amazing and diverse characters. The franchise currently spans three games (Dragon Age 4, when???) and I had my introduction to the series through Dragon Age: Inquisition, the third game in the series and the game in which Cole appears. Right away, this boy captured my heart; even to this day I refer to him as “my sweet spirit son.” And a spirit is precisely what Cole is – a spirit of compassion, in fact, whom we learn came into the world in order to help a dying young man and, when he was unsuccessful, became the boy instead. When that boy, the real Cole, died, the Cole we know from the game came into being – a spirit of compassion having become a facsimile of the boy he couldn’t save.

Depending on what choices you make in the game, the circumstances in which you meet Cole will be vastly different, but no matter what, you will see firsthand the unique and often surprising ways in which Cole uses his spirit powers to help people. Cole feels the pain of others and does so willingly, as it allows him to help; he looks into people’s minds to see what is hurting them, and then employs unique and unexpected ways to help them heal. He does most of this unseen, or else makes the people he's helped forget him later, never needing any credit. “It doesn’t matter that they won’t remember me,” he says when asked about this. “What matters is I helped.”

For that reason and so many others, Cole is not just one of my favorite characters in the Dragon Age franchise, but one of my favorite characters of all time, and his aromantic asexual tendencies in the game only add to that. But before his appearance in Inquisition as my AroAce spirit child, however, Cole is a significant character in the 2011 novel Dragon Age: Asunder. Written by lead writer David Gaider to serve as a bridge between Dragon Age 2 and Dragon Age: Inquisition prior to its release, Asunder shows us Cole before he understood who and what he was. Even if he’s not exactly like the Cole we know from the game, I believe what we see of Cole in this book makes him feel even more like a genuinely AroAce character, one whose struggles feel deeply familiar.

Dragon Age: Asunder is set against the backdrop of the familiar magical conflict that makes up the heart of Dragon Age’s overall narrative. Amid the intensity of that overarching drama, we see a small but no less intense drama unfolding as we are introduced to Cole. From the earliest moments in the book, we see Cole adrift. For people like me who read the novel after playing Inquisition, we know this is because Cole’s true spirit identity has been confused and tormented by his failure to save the “real” Cole, leading to this sense of confusion. But for anyone who read Asunder first – and for Cole himself as a character – there is nothing but unanswered questions that persist through most of the book. As far as Cole knows, he’s a flesh and blood person, but no one treats him as such. In fact, very few people can even see him and those who do often forget him, so the terror and dread he feels are nearly constant. As the book’s narration tells us, “he went through life unnoticed and quickly forgotten by all” and thus he has long since stopped expecting people to notice him.

The narrative makes it very clear that Cole feels like he’s fading away and, given he does not yet know his true nature, this thought terrifies him beyond reason. “I’m falling into the cracks between what’s real and what’s not real,” he says at one point, and the notion of slipping through the cracks of reality is a repeated motif throughout Cole’s journey and indeed the plot in general. He struggles with the complicated duality of being afraid of disappearing or being forgotten, but also being so afraid that someone will hurt him that he almost doesn’t want to be seen. He both craves human contact as a method to confirm his existence, and is frightened of it; thus, through most of the novel, Cole’s only friend is a mage named Rhys.

Rhys believes Cole is likewise a mage and that, unable to control his magical talents, accidentally made himself invisible or else was cursed by someone to be this way. While many other characters try to convince Rhys that Cole is a spirit, Rhys steadfastly refuses to believe that Cole is anything other than a young man in need of help to lift his “curse.” And indeed, a curse is what Cole comes to think of his condition as, and alludes to that fact several times throughout the story. As such, Cole and Rhys are constantly in search of ways to understand and “fix” Cole’s condition, an activity Rhys does with the best of intentions, but one that is simply misguided.

By the end of the story, it is revealed to both Rhys and Cole that Cole is indeed a spirit and the revelation is framed as a heartbreaking one. All Rhys wants is for Cole to be “real”; it’s all Cole wants too, and he tries so hard to be real that he forgets what he really is. But it’s not possible, nor should it have to be. Just because Cole isn't a person doesn't mean he's not real. Just because Cole is a spirit who came to and stayed in the world accidentally doesn't mean his existence is invalid or less than. Most people don't know what it's like to be told you're not real, but I do. I've heard it from friends, family members, strangers on the street, from nearly every piece of media I've ever consumed - and I would wager most aspec people have been told likewise. To see Cole go through that, to see him experience the heartbreak and the power that exists there, is incredibly moving in a way that runs far deeper than even the book really knows. We are not spirits, but like Cole, we've been made to doubt our existence, to fear above all things that someone will come along and prove we don't belong in this world. 

Much like Cole, I have learned to be content with my lonely path, to expect I will be met with people who don't understand me. This loneliness is a background noise that threatens to smother me, much like the dark void of non-existence Cole fears in Asunder. And many times I have to whisper to myself the mantra my spirit son repeats throughout the book whenever he fears he will vanish or be swallowed by the darkness: Never give up. Don't fade away into the night.

Image caption: Although there are some inherent problems that can arise from non-human characters having aspec tendencies - problems I will be covering in a future post - I would argue that Cole's unique journey can nevertheless be helpful and familiar to aspec people

The choice to make Cole more spirit or more human

Asunder ends with Cole finally understanding who he is and, like it is for most of us, that process is painful but necessary. When the spirit boy resurfaces in Inquisition, that which he believed was a curse is now his source of true purpose and power. “I used to think I was a ghost,” he says during one of his early scenes in the game. “I didn’t know. I made mistakes, but I made friends too. Then [someone] proved I wasn’t real. I lost my friends. I lost everything. I learned how to be more like what I am. It made me different, but stronger. I can feel more. I can help.”

As someone who often feels like a ghost forced to drift through a foreign world, I relate to this sentiment more than I can adequately describe, for I too have experienced the reality of losing everything that is safe and normal in order to gain myself. But rather sadly, many players look at this reality of Cole’s in much the same way Rhys did in Asunder. Erroneously, they believe that just because Cole’s existence is challenging and outside of the ordinary, it must be altered; and even more sadly, the game gives you the ability to do exactly that.

As I mentioned earlier, a large mechanic of Dragon Age is the fact that player choices effect game outcomes, including the narrative course of your companions. One such choice is the decision the player makes regarding Cole’s ultimate destiny in a quest called “Subjected to His Will.” During this quest, we learn the details of the “real Cole’s” fate and learn that the person responsible for his death is still around. Cole, remembering the pain this man caused his “real” counterpart, decides he needs to kill the man; now it’s up to you and two other characters to discuss how Cole should be told to handle it and, in doing so, you determine what Cole becomes. Solas, one of your companions and a self-taught expert on spirits, tells you that Cole, as a spirit, must learn to forgive and forget this wrong, that the death of the “real” Cole wounded him and he needs to get over it in order to be whole. Another one of your companions, Varric, believes that forgiving such an injustice is nearly impossible, but thinks that Cole should learn how to deal with it the way a human might. “He came into this world to be a person,” Varric says. “Let him be one.”

Varric, much like Rhys, is well-intentioned, but wrong. Cole did not come into the world to become a person; he came to help, and when he couldn’t help, he stayed. Thus, to me, the entire notion of making Cole more human seems as though it’s built on a faulty premise. Being human is never something Cole has asked for or expressed an interest in; all he wants is to help people, and although he can do that when he becomes human, he can do it more effectively as a spirit. And yet making Cole more human seems to be the path that a large majority of players take, seeing it as not only the better option, but the merciful one.

This is a perfectly valid choice, and one the game does a good job of presenting. However, it has implications later that destroy the AroAce tendencies Cole has had all game, including the fact that in later downloadable content for the game, Cole as a newly minted human is seen with a girlfriend because, as Cole himself puts it, “I am human now.” I have no words to describe how much this fact devastates me, another instance in which I finally found a character I can connect with and once again they are taken away in the name of becoming “normal.”

So many people react to Cole becoming more spirit-like with a pang of horror, a stab of angst that makes them say I never want to do this to him, he deserves better! Just like Varric and Rhys, those people are well-intentioned, and they clearly care for the character, but I would argue that there is a mistake in their logic, a flaw in their kindness. Chances are, most of them have not experienced the pain and joy of living an aspec life.

Making Cole more spirit-like is not a choice that makes him something he's not or keeps him in an artificial sort of prison of staying as someone he's not supposed to be. In fact, it's the opposite. "I'm me, more me than I was," says Cole after becoming more spirit. "I can care and comfort but keep clean, no shackles. They feel, forgive, forget, and I am free. Finally. Thank you." As his own words prove, Cole thinks of this choice as a restoration, a gift of freedom, and a way to become even more true to himself. Therefore, to believe that Cole can only grow or change if he becomes human is a misguided analysis. In fact, the spirit path shows the growth that Cole undergoes, but just because he isn’t growing into something we know – and is indeed becoming more like something we don’t know – does not mean he isn’t growing. And what’s more, seeing Cole as he truly is forces growth for the characters around him, and, I would argue, the player as well. During the spirit path, when we see a more serene and content Cole, Varric laments that Cole could have been a person. Solas replies to this in a haunting and beautiful manner with one simple question – “Would that have made him happier?”

Later, the path to make Cole more spirit-like contains a poignant mention of Rhys and the events of Asunder as Cole recalls what happened the last time someone discovered his true nature. "He was my friend," Cole says of Rhys. "But he didn't know what I was. When he found out, he changed. I lost him. You found out, but you didn't change, didn't make me change. You let me be this, be more. Thank you for helping me find this again, for believing in me. You don't know what it means."

Cole's right - most people don't know what it means.

Image caption: "I believe we are finished here." With these words, Solas (on the right) helps Cole embrace his spirit nature in the "spirit path" of Cole's personal quest "Subjected to His Will"

Discovering you're aspec can be strange. It involves stripping away all the things you've been told to want, all the dreams and hopes and desires of other people, until you find what you want. I think it's fair to say that most aspec people become shackled like Cole, bound up in the things we see every day, the things that lead us to believe that "normal" life looks a certain way and we are living outside of it. And also like Cole, stripping off those other identities can be so very hard, especially when we see the people around us change in reply.

The theme of seeing and being seen is central to Cole’s story; in many ways, it feels like it’s central to my story as well. Like Cole, I am unseen by most who come into contact with me and all I want to do is make them look into my eyes, to understand what I am, to realize I am valid. “I’m different,” Cole says when you ask him what he is early in the game. He says it without fear, without shame. For Cole, “different” is simply a state of being, neither good nor bad, but full of potential. Cole's method of existence isn’t wrong and it doesn't need to be fixed, just like we don't need to be fixed. Cole isn't broken and neither are we.

At the end of the day, it is heartbreaking and beautiful to be aspec, a power it's sometimes hard to understand, an impulse to fade away that we fight against. And through Cole we see too that it is heartbreaking and beautiful to exist. Cole, like many of us, goes on a journey - not a physical journey, but one of spiritual significance. His is a struggle to understand the world and his place in it, a struggle which is presented in a poignant way entirely unique to him and yet so very relatable. Even when faced with a hostile world and misunderstandings about himself that sometimes make him misstep, Cole remains at his core someone who just wants to ease suffering. At times when I feel my hope waning, when I feel weighed down under the notion that this world doesn’t want me, I remember what Cole represents and somehow, as if he were helping me with my pain too, I feel some of my strength restored.

In my opinion, Cole is at his best when he is allowed to be what he is – a sentiment that is true for all people, no matter what our orientation may be, but that rings especially true for aspec people. I hope that perhaps non-aspec people can look at Cole’s character through different eyes and see why his spirit persona is just as valid as his human one. And I hope that perhaps, through Cole, other aspec people like me can find some of their strength renewed. In today’s often confusing and frustrating world, Cole teaches us the importance of being compassionate – to ourselves and to each other – and reminds us why we are important. And above all he reminds us to never give up. Don't fade away into the night.