The Pros and Cons of the "Fairy Tale Romance"

Image description: Princess Aurora and Prince Phillip dancing together in the Disney animated classic, Sleeping Beauty. Many Disney films are based on fairy tales, and in turn, they inspired countless tropes inspired by their take on adventure and romance. Today, I'm focusing on the idea of the "fairy tale" romance in our media and our society, both the good and the bad.

Something that I have always found interesting as an AroAce fangirl analyzing media is the idea of a marketable romance in various forms of media. Naturally, when you say the word “romance” to different people, they’re all going to have different ideas of what that should ideally look like for any number of reasons. Sometimes, this differs depending on medium, since the romance you read about in a book, for instance, is going to be very different than one you see in a television series or a movie, both of which in turn are very different from the kind of romance you might experience when playing a roleplay based video game full of player choices. Other times, this depends on the characters and the stories they appear in, since a romance in a historical fantasy novel is going to be very different than a modern-day cozy mystery, just to name a few. And of course, this often depends on things such as age and target demographic, with media marketed to young adults being markedly different from that aimed towards older adults, or certain media being marketed to varying demographics that are all looking for something different.

This all makes it even more fascinating and frustrating that, despite the differences in how romance is portrayed, the common consensus still seems to demand romance as a part of a wide variety of media. This fact alone is important because I believe the very act of overemphasizing romance in media is part of the reason why romance is likewise overemphasized in our society. Much like in media, romance in real life means different things to different people, since any person looking for a romance is likely not looking for the exact same things as the other people around them. And yet, there are some shorthand phrases and concepts in our society that seem to cover a wide variety of romance tropes, stories, and ideas, so much so that they have become ubiquitous – sometimes dangerously so.

Like many tropes and storytelling conventions, these are blanket concepts that help us more broadly understand the world around us, and for the purpose of this post, I want to talk about one such blanket concept that acts as a very notable cultural shorthand for the idea of the “perfect” romance – the concept of a “fairy tale” like romance. Despite the varied ideas about romance and the varied things people look for when it comes to romance in their media, despite different genres and couples and ideas, somehow the idea of a “fairy tale romance” is something many people will recognize. And, although there may be cosmetic differences in how this plays out in people’s minds, there are likely going to be certain overarching or overlapping concepts, such as the idea of a perfect “happy ending” and a romance that defies all the odds.

While I think the idea of the fairy tale romance does have some obvious problems, there are some things about this trope or concept that I actually really like. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that these elements and the trope at large can even be a good thing if played correctly. But, as with many tropes, there are good and bad ways of implementing these things, and there are both pros and cons to using these in stories and in looking for them in real life. As with most things related to romance in media and in the real world, things are not so easily defined or black and white, so for today’s post, I want to analyze the idea of the fairy tale romance, what it is, what it means in our world and in our media, and how we can make this concept, which is very entrenched in our media landscape, into the best version of itself.

Spoiler warning! 

Downton Abbey (various seasons + Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale)

Frozen

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What I Mean When I Say “Fairy Tale Romance”

Before we get into the nitty-gritty of these pros and cons, I think it would be wise to discuss exactly what I mean when I use the term “fairy tale” or “fairy tale romance,” since the concept of a fairy tale is in and of itself very broad. I’m also being careful here to not describe this as “defining” the concept, which is also part of why this post isn’t part of the “redefining” series. As I said in my intro, a topic like this is so broad and varied that I think it would be impossible for one person to define it properly. What’s more, I don’t actually think the idea of the fairy tale romance needs to be redefined per se, but I do think there should be more cultural awareness regarding it.

All that being said, when I use the term “fairy tale romance” throughout this post, I will specifically be looking at the idea of a romance where “true love” conquers all, where two people are practically fated to be together despite the odds, and where there is always some form of happily ever after, among other things. These things all tend to form the basis of many romantic ideals – or idealized romances – and they come from many sources and origin points, from actual historical ideas to very specific pieces of media. For instance, I believe a lot of the modern conceptualization about fairy tale romances and happy endings can trace their origins back to Disney princesses, and the influence these stories have had on other stories, thus entrenching the idea even more strongly. While of course Disney princess tales are not a monolith and I believe it’s very reductive to assume that all stereotypes about romance – both good and bad – come from these films, I do think their influence is strongly felt.

That is, of course, not automatically a bad thing, and this is true of various romantic films with fairy tale elements – from those played serious like in the Cinderella-story Ever After, or played a bit more tongue-in-cheek like they are in the iconic film The Princess Bride, both of which are movies I adore. In fact, when these tropes are portrayed well, I believe they can make for some incredible stories with beautiful romances, and I freely admit that many of my personal favorite romances contain traces of many or all of the elements mentioned above. However, these same beautiful elements, such as fairy tale endings and charming princes, can be used and misused in media and in real life.

The concept of a romance that is “like a fairy tale” always reminds me of times I’ve heard the phrase used, and oftentimes these examples really describe the limitations of the idea. One of the examples that most readily comes to mind is a particular plot element from the period drama, Downton Abbey, which follows the rich and dramatic lives of the aristocratic Crawley family and their servants in the titular manor home. In the show’s second season, all the characters find themselves living through the tumult of the first World War, which impacts both upstairs and downstairs characters in very profound ways. During this time, one of the family’s footmen, William, becomes a soldier, which leads his relationship with kitchen maid, Daisy, into unexpected territory.

Even well before these plot points, it’s clear that William harbors a crush on Daisy, one which she seems not to reciprocate initially. Eventually, however, she seems more open to the idea of flirting with him, and even kisses him to cheer him up in a way that seems very youthful. It feels necessary to pause here and say that, I admit that it’s entirely possible to read Daisy kissing William as leading him on, and I’ve seen many fans who actively dislike her because of it. However, my read on the whole thing is very different; as I said, the kiss scene is played to feel very youthful, something that might pass between teenagers. Although of course William sees this as a direct confirmation that she shares his feelings (a perfectly reasonable assumption), I don’t believe Daisy did it to deliberately hurt him, and I believe things could have come to a good conclusion if it weren’t for the outbreak of the war. It’s even entirely possible that this moment would eventually lead to the two of them having a romantic relationship of their own accord, or perhaps it would go no farther, but the war complicates matters.

Image description: Daisy and William in season two of Downton Abbey

Naturally, the progression of the war prompts William to ask Daisy to marry him. Things only get more complicated when the cook, Mrs. Patmore, encourages Daisy to say yes to keep his spirits up when he goes off to fight, which leads me to the reason why I’m bringing up this idea in the first place. Mrs. Patmore tells Daisy to merely accept William’s proposal to give him something to fight for, and then, when the war is over, they can call things off amicably (of course, it doesn’t happen that way, but I digress). To sell this idea to William and give him something to uplift him, Mrs. Patmore embellishes the story by saying Daisy herself finds the notion romantic – or, as she specifically says, “like a fairy story.” The idea here is that William, the dashing soldier proposing to the girl of his dreams before he goes off to fight, is a romantic ideal. But it becomes even more interesting to me when you consider that Daisy does not actually want any of this.

While of course using the idea of the fairy tale romance is just an embellishment by Mrs. Patmore to make William feel better, it’s the use of the phrase that I find interesting, and which always comes back to me whenever I think of the concept. In a way that was totally accidental, this plot point perfectly describes why the idea of the fairy tale romance can be problematic and why the assumption that all people should want such a thing is a slippery slope. William and Daisy’s story is not actually a fairy tale romance, and it lacks many of the elements of those stories, but the looming specter of living up to that ideal – both before and after the war – causes Daisy a lot of pain on the onset.

Eventually, when the story takes a different turn, it once again highlights the limitations that fairy tale romances can have, because there are so many other relationships that can be explored and which can be vastly limited by an overemphasis on romance. Of course, these relationships can and often do exist alongside the romances, but when romance is focused on disproportionately, as is often the case in these quasi-fairy tale scenarios, that’s where the problems can arise. But I’ll get to that. Before I unpack the ways I believe these fairy tale concepts can be misused, I’d like to discuss why I think these tropes can actually be used for good, as I feel this is an important foundation for understanding why these tropes are so dominant in the media landscape and in the modern imagination.

The Pros of the “Fairy Tale Romance”

Using the way I’ve chosen to define the fairy tale romance, there are quite a few things to like about this concept, and for that reason I am not surprised that many people are so attached to it as both a media trope and as something to aspire to in real life. In fact, I would go so far as to say that some elements of the fairy tale romance absolutely should be aspired to and there’s nothing wrong with waiting for these things to enter your life. And, to take it a step farther, I would even say there are some elements of the fairy tale romance concept that can even be aspec-friendly.

For instance, oftentimes in a fairy tale romance, two people will fall in love and end up as devoted, loyal soulmates, two people who are practically made for each other and who understand each other in a way that no one else possibly can. In some cases, I see this as being rather friendly to demisexual and/or demiromantic identities, because it implies these are bonds that are built on deep trust and understanding, which fits the fact that these identities need a strong bond to be formed before romantic and/or sexual feelings follow.  The elements of dedication, loyalty, and devotion are some of my favorite romance tropes because they imply that romance is actually as important as our media, our culture, and our society would have us believe, and they respect both romance as a concept and respect the people involved in said romance, treating their bond as something that matters, not just something that is quick, convenient or disposable.

In fact, this is part of why I love Korean dramas and their romances so much. In many of the best K-Drama romances, the love between the leads is unshakable, long-lasting, and extremely loyal. These are romances where people get to know one another on a deep level, often overcoming trials together and growing stronger because of it, and we as the audience can be sure they belong together, even in instances where they have unconventional endings. We get the feeling that this love is important and that it means something, and while it’s not the only thing in the characters’ lives, we can see why it matters so much. In many cases, I see K-Drama romances as modern day fairy tales, and I mean that in the best possible sense of the word.

Image description: Yeon and Ji-ah, the main romantic couple from one of my favorite fantasy K-Dramas, Tale of the Nine Tailed. Just this one couple in this one show demonstrates so many of my favorite romance tropes - soulmates, love that surpasses death, reincarnation, and so much more. But, like many K-Dramas, this is just one facet of the story, which also features on platonic love, friendship, familial love, and an incredible plot, making it the perfect blend.

When romances function in this way, I believe they are at their best, because they demonstrate that romance is powerful, but that it doesn’t have to be the only thing that gives life purpose. Rather, these romances are portrayed as a thing that gives comfort during trials and hardships, but not the only thing that can do so. It portrays romance as something that helps give life meaning, but not the sole thing that defines whether or not a life is worth living. Romance is an essential part of these stories, but it’s never the sole thing; sometimes, it’s not even the main thing. Personally, I’ve always seen love as a real concept and romance as a genre, since the latter doesn’t have to rely on the constraints of reality, something which I think the fairy tale romance underscores. But these romances can teach us things about ourselves in a way that can be positive.

These romances being somewhat idealized is not a bug, it’s a feature, and they should be appreciated for being highly dramatized versions of romantic love, something which reminds me of one of my favorite characters ever, Cassandra Pentaghast from the video game Dragon Age: Inquisition, the tough-as-nails warrior who secretly adores all things romantic. I discussed Cass’s example in my “Redefining Romance” post, and I believe she gives us a terrific example of why the fairy tale romance not only works, but why it should be embraced if that’s what someone wants or what they personally believe is the ideal. In Cassandra’s case, seeking the ideal in her romance is a form of self-respect: she knows this is what she wants and she respects herself too much to settle on someone who is not willing to make the effort she deserves.

In this case, the fairy tale romance is not only a good thing, but is actually extremely empowering. Cassandra shows us that there’s nothing wrong with wanting the ideal – which, in her case, she describes as someone who will sweep her off her feet and read her poetry by candlelight – and there’s nothing wrong with fighting for the ideal romance to leap off the pages of a novel and show up in your life if that’s what you’re looking for. But that’s the key concept here: if that’s what someone wants. To me, one of the biggest problems with the fairy tale romance is that it has become so ubiquitous in culture that people assume everyone must want to have a fairy tale romance – or, at the very least, a romance of any kind – and this is where we get into problems.

The Cons of the “Fairy Tale Romance”

For years on the blog, I have talked about the way society treats romance as an essential part of life. This is present in the idea of amatonormativity – the societal pressure to make romance a priority in one’s life, even when you don’t actually want it. It’s present in many of the tropes I’ve discussed over the years, such as the idea that romance is essential for characters and their stories, or the notion that romance is part of what will make a character more human. It’s present in the oft-repeated phrase “you’re denying yourself happiness,” which is used when a person doesn’t want to be involved in a romance that everyone else thinks is inevitable. All of these things demonstrate not only the pitfalls of an overemphasis on romance, but show us the potential pitfalls of the fairy tale romance idea, both in life and in media.

In my “Redefining Romance” posts, I’ve discussed these very same issues. In those posts, I point out the ways our society oversaturates the idea of romance, making it feel truly impossible to ever really “opt out” of romance, both in our media landscape and in our actual society. Part of this is because sex and romance sell, and so media tends to include these things as an easy way to market their product; for instance, I’ve previously discussed the issues authors have when they try to write books without romance, especially when it comes to young adult novels, and the pressure they feel to add romantic subplots because publishers believe this is the way to connect with audiences.

However, I believe that on some level the idea of the fairy tale romance, its concept of happy endings that are heavily saturated in the stereotypical idea of romantic love, and all the associated baggage that comes with those things contribute to this culture. Because we are taught from an early age that good stories have these elements, I think this easily bleeds into how we view real life. While there are many elements of these stories that can be added into people’s daily lives and thus their romances, it doesn’t mean that not having a romance like in a romantic movie or a fairy tale is a failing. There can be plenty of functional, rewarding, and long-lasting romantic partnerships that are, to an outside observer, rather boring. They may lack the romantic passion of these fictional romances, but does that make them less than?

This overemphasis on romance especially affects people who don’t actually want these relationships in the first place, especially since our society has a strange tendency to think that “non-romantic” automatically means “anti-love,” which is not always the case. That idea in and of itself reveals the limitations of this line of thinking. Many people tend to use the word “love” when they actually mean “romance,” as the two are not automatically the same thing and love is a multi-faceted emotion that people can feel in different ways and towards a variety of subjects. Therefore, just because someone is not interested in romance does not mean they hate “love.” Even if they do, more accurately, dislike romance, that in no way, shape, or form infringes on the rights of people who do enjoy romance, as of course romance is always going to be a part of our society and our culture.

However, the opposite is often true, and people who believe that romantic love is the highest and most important emotion can have a decidedly negative impact on people who are non-romantic (whether through an aromantic spectrum identity or merely through being at a point in their lives where romance is not their focus or chief desire). Because romance is so ubiquitous and our society makes it seem like romance is not only an ideal but a requirement, there seems to be a strong negative reaction to the idea of eschewing these more traditional romantic values. People seem to be very defensive of these romantic ideals, even when people are not actively challenging them but instead are merely trying to opt out. As a result, any criticism of romance is often met with misunderstanding, distrust, or even outright hostility.

In many cases, I believe this is at least in part because people want their own choices to be respected and thus feel the need to defend romance with a passion that is misplaced and misdirected, since I don’t think romance as a genre or a concept is in danger of losing its cultural potency anytime soon. Other times, people who love romance as a genre or appreciate it from a cultural perspective defend romance as part of the fandom experience. For instance, fandoms tend to be breeding grounds of hostility when it comes to suggesting a character might be aspec or arospec because it’s difficult for people to accept that certain characters might not be romantically and/or sexually available, whether for shipping or in general.

This idea doesn’t just apply to characters, however, and I’ve talked many times about how the fandoms for real people also get extremely invested in the ideas of these real people having romances. This doesn’t just occur in cases where these people are actually in romantic relationships; in fact, in my experience, I’ve seen these attitudes be applied to people who are not in romantic relationships, and even, in some cases, applied to people who don’t seem to actively want these things. Again, while this is a multi-faceted issue, I think that the entrenchment of the “ideal fairy tale romance” is at least partially to blame for this phenomenon.

When media tries to convince us that these “happy endings” are the ultimate path to happiness and our culture teaches us that having these romances is the ultimate form of fulfillment, I think it’s only natural that people project this onto other people, assuming that wishing romance on these people is synonymous with wishing them happiness. But this attitude is rife with problems, as it seems to imply that romance is the only way to be happy and chooses to ignore people when they say that this is not the definition of happiness for them, especially because of that tendency I mentioned earlier where people tend to inaccurately conflate “love” and “romance.” Additionally, there often seems to be something of a confirmation bias at play when these arguments arise – if someone finds romance was the key to happiness in their own life, they tend to assume that this concept is one size fits all and that other people will find the same.

This overemphasis on romance also limits our ability to express other concepts in non-romantic ways too. For instance, the idea of a “soulmate” is something that I think is a central facet in many fairy tale romances – and I can attest that I myself am a sucker for a good soulmate romance. However, our culture seems to forget that not everyone may want to be caught up in the obsessions over this idea. And, more to the point, the concept of a soulmate doesn’t have to be exclusively romantic, and there can be amazing platonic relationships that can still make use of this term. But when media and culture center on this concept being a romantic ideal exclusively, that same hostility can be directed towards anyone trying to remove this concept from its forced romantic trappings. This is true of all sorts of things, from the concept of physical touch to even just being able to use the words “I love you” and so many others, all of which are subsumed by the concept of being romantic ideals and are unfairly barred from being expressed in any other way. This, in turn, leads to platonic concepts, stories, and ideals being dismissed in favor of romantic ones, with the former being seen as less valuable and less “true” than the latter.

All of these are the cons of how the fairy tale romance trope is perceived by our society, but there are also problems with how this trope can function within the media it appears in. Some of this owes to the same vagueness of definition that I mentioned at the beginning of this post, chiefly in how different media at different times portrays these supposedly romantic ideals. Just like our society has a tendency to overemphasize romance as being essential for people in real life, media does this a great deal with characters, acting like romance or the stereotypical happy ending is the most important thing in storytelling. And, while of course it’s true that romance might be an important part of a character’s story or vital to the plot, that doesn’t have to automatically be the case. And yet, this idea of portraying the ideal romance can hang over these projects like a specter.

Furthermore, as I mentioned earlier, sometimes the same elements that make fairy tale romances so attractive can become extremely problematic depending on how they’re portrayed. Naturally, any trope can become something horrifying depending on intent, but when I refer to misuse of these fairy tale romance tropes, I am not referring to some sort of deliberate subversion of concept, but rather a misunderstanding of what makes these tropes work in the first place. Chiefly, any time these concepts are forced on characters, they immediately lose their appeal – something which is made all the worse by the lack of awareness that this is what’s happening.

For an example of this, I turn again to Downton Abbey, and its treatment of Mary Crawley in later seasons. It can be argued that Mary already had a fairy tale romance earlier in the series, albeit on that ended in tragedy; however, a show as focused on romance as Downton Abbey likely was never going to be content to let Mary stay unattached, and thus we see various new love interests thrown at Mary until she eventually seems to settle on one in the form of racecar driver Henry Talbot. When she changes her mind, however, she is browbeat – both by the plot itself and by the characters within the story, ostensibly acting as the mouthpiece of the writer, who claim she is denying herself happiness by not choosing to be with Henry, thus inspiring them to get married.

I’ve always found this plotline both utterly baffling and completely infuriating. To me, it always seemed like a way to criticize and berate Mary, a character who has had her issues, but whose development and growth are important parts of the earlier season. While her romance with her first husband Matthew is a huge part of that development, it’s not the sole reason nor the sole motivator to why Mary grows as a character, and so I’ve always found it extremely problematic to treat Mary so poorly in the later seasons, throwing out her character development in the name of easy drama. Additionally, I’ve discussed in the past why I hate the “you’re denying yourself happiness” trope, and I think in this case the fairy tale romance is a clear contributor to this problematic attitude.

By assuming that only romance will make Mary happy and especially romance with this specific person, it feels like an attempt to weaponize the idea of the fairy tale romance and its subsequent happy ending, using these things as tools to force someone to do something. Rather than let it stand that Mary is capable of making her own decisions, the show instead decides that Mary’s refusal is not valid, something that she’s doing only because she’s afraid, and that she needs to be forced to make the “right” decision by the other people around her, because apparently this is true love and true love conquers all. However, I would like to point out that the 2025 movie Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale sees Mary divorced from Henry, making all these plot points at her expense not only more superfluous and vexing, but also completely flying in the face of this supposedly essential happily ever after.

Image description: Mary and Henry from Downton Abbey

I’ll admit that I didn’t watch this film, as I found the Downton Abbey films yielded significantly diminishing returns, but from what I’ve read, there is yet another failed romance for Mary at the heart of this story, one which seems to end in her stepping more fully into her role as Downton’s future protector and guide rather than ending with her in a romance. So again, I’m left wondering what the point of the romance plot with Henry was or why it was deemed essentially to push romance on her at all. Why couldn’t the series end the way this movie did, with Mary realizing that her love for Downton and the love of the people around her was more valuable than romance? While it’s possible that the divorce plotline was merely a way of writing Henry out of the story in the event that his actor wasn’t available, the idea that this is how Mary’s story ended makes me wonder why it had to go down the romantic path in the first place, and I believe it demonstrates why sometimes “fairy tale romances” are actually thinly veiled nightmares.

Earlier I mentioned the idea of the positive and aspec-friendly elements of a fairy tale romance, such as showcasing relationships that are deep and long-lasting, thus showing that these relationships are not shallow or meaningless; however, I think Mary shows us that sometimes these relationships aren’t actually as long-lasting as we’re led to believe and that they can eventually end. On the flip side of that, sometimes that’s not always how these relationships start either, creating something of an ironic spin on the formula that I think deserves to be discussed. While it is admittedly somewhat unavoidable to cut out some of the development of these romances when the media is short or can’t really showcase a lengthy development, some of the most popular examples of fairy tale romances barely show these supposed soulmate couples interacting before we’re supposed to understand that they are going to somehow live “happily ever after.”

This trope is so ubiquitous that not only has it led to many types of analysis deconstructing these overly simple happy endings, but it’s something that even sources like Disney have poked fun at in recent years. For instance, my mind goes right away to the scene in Frozen in which Anna and Hans, who have shared exactly one interaction, go to Anna’s sister Elsa to ask to get married, to which Elsa dryly replies “you can’t marry a man you just met.” From there, the idea of Anna defending this so-called one-scene “true love” becomes not only a throughline of the film, but ends up being massively deconstructs in the end. However, for as great as these deconstructions can be (and, in many ways, our modern media landscape makes them somewhat essential), I don’t think we have to always make fun of these ideas and concepts. As I said earlier, the fairy tale romance can be a good thing if done correctly and many of its elements are features, not bugs. But our culture needs to understand that making these elements inescapable actually devalues them, and devalues romance as a concept, both as a genre and as a facet of love.

I don’t think we should stop portraying idealized romances – in fact, I believe fairy tale romances are essential for all the reasons I discussed in the “pro” section and so many more. But, like everything, they need to be approached with intentionality. In order to do that, I think we first need to challenge the idea that “one size fits all” for this concept, and try to diversify the way these stories are told. That doesn’t mean we have to poke fun at the concept, but perhaps we should deconstruct it a bit. We should make these romances count, we should make them beautiful, but we should challenge the idea that they and only they are the highest form of love. Not every story needs to have sex and/or romance in order to be valid, not every character needs to be in a romance to be accepted, and not every person needs to prioritize romance, regardless of what our culture says.

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Once upon a time I started the habit of focusing on a topic related to romantic love around Valentine’s Day, a holiday largely associated with the concept. However, even Valentine’s Day itself has been transforming over the years; while its associations with romance are inescapable, it always delights me to see how the day is also being expanded to focus on platonic bonds, female friendships, and other relationships that still encompass the idea of love, albeit in a way that doesn’t have to be inherently tied to romance. Therefore, I think this holiday provides a great opportunity to not only reevaluate our ideas about romance, but about the societal ideas surrounding it – the concept of fairy tales included.

Much like Valentine’s Day itself will likely never fully surrender its romantic roots, fairy tales will likely always have an element of romantic idealism attached to them, and that’s okay. But we can choose to think mindfully about these things and maybe even change how they’re portrayed, consumed, and understood. We can choose to make these stories empowering rather than limiting, and we can choose to embrace these romances as things that are beautiful but not essential. If more people could see these things, maybe our culture and our society would come closer to a new understanding of the concept, and then, maybe we really could be one step closer to living happily ever after.