Boy With(out) Luv: The World's Weird Reactions to BTS Being Single

 

Image description: The seven members of Korean phenom, BTS (going clockwise from top left: RM, V, Jin, J-Hope, Jimin, Suga, and Jungkook). I've discussed my love for BTS a great deal on the blog, but today I'd like to zero in on a specific fandom and societal issue I've noticed as an AroAce fan - that would be the weird and often aphobic reactions people tend to have to the idea of the boys not being in romantic relationships.

Over the past year, if not longer, I’ve started noticing a very specific trend in how ARMY, fans of the Korean supergroup BTS, talk about the group’s members. While ARMY often makes it their mission to support the boys in their creative endeavors, I’ve seen a lot of chatter lately about supporting the boys in personal matters – chiefly when it comes to relationships. This is something that has always been floating around the BTS fandom (and K-Pop fandoms in general). However, it’s become more widespread since BTS began their hiatus in 2022 and their mandatory military service, which has fostered the belief that the members are going to finish their service and immediately get married or begin dating.

When it comes to dating rumors, this type of internet gossip is nothing new and such rumors have been swirling around BTS for years. But nowadays, many of these rumors have been viewed more seriously. In some cases, these rumors are summarily debunked, while others have more credence, but the issue goes deeper than what’s rumor and what might be fact; it even goes beyond the notion of whether the members dating is a “good” thing. Rather, the real issue is the idea that the boys’ happiness will automatically stem from romantic relationships and that “fandom support” means urging them to have those things in the first place.

In some instances, this “support” is phrased in a way that makes it clearly hypothetical. But in other instances, there is an obvious assumption that the members either have or need to have significant others – often worded using decidedly heterosexual language such as “girlfriend” or “wife.” Whether or not the boys are dating, want to date, or have dated in the past does not change the fact that the assumption of “needing” to date is a huge problem. If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you know I often discuss how these assumptions are an issue that exists in media and fandom alike, and is one of the main reasons why I’ve started to drift away from many fandoms over the years.

Today, I’d like to continue the discussion on why these beliefs are often inherently problematic, even though they’re routinely dressed up as “supportive” attitudes. Although this post will obviously center on the BTS fandom, I feel the points are universally applicable, which is why I chose to share these thoughts on my blog, rather than in a more BTS-specific platform. So, without further ado, let’s explore the weird reaction the world seems to have to the idea of BTS being single – and why it matters.

Content warning: Discussions of Aphobia/Asexual Discrimination

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The Fallacy of “Normal Life”

Here on the blog, I frequently discuss my personal struggles in fandom and in real life as a sex-repulsed AroAce woman. For years, my self-confidence dwindled due to being misunderstood and treated as less than because of how these identities shape my life and my worldview. In fact, these feelings are part of what led me to BTS in the first place and why their message of self love resonated with me so deeply. So it hurts when I see fellow ARMYs fall into the same patterns of amatonormativity that I’ve spent my life trying to escape, defining romance as “normal” and trying to force these definitions onto the group members – and, by extension, each other.

Naturally, there are plenty of people in the world who want a romantic relationship, and who value romance highly. There’s nothing wrong with that. But there are plenty of other people who make the conscious choice not to have a romantic relationship for any number of valid reasons – whether they’re aromantic like I am, or they want to focus on their careers or passion projects, or they’re just not especially interested in romance. There’s nothing wrong with this either. But amatonormativity demands that romance be made a priority in people’s lives, regardless of their own circumstances or wishes, often because that’s what society dubs as “normal.”

The societal pressure to live a “normal” life doesn’t always include romance, nor does it include romance exclusively – rather, it often includes other facets such as dating, marriage, having children, and other similar paths. Again, there is nothing wrong with wanting these things or dedicating your life to them. However, the issue lies in the assumption that a normal life will look the same for everyone and that everyone’s normal life will or should include these things. When people think this is the only way to live one’s life or assume that not having these things makes your life sad or unfulfilling, we create a societal standard that is not only unattainable for some people, but is actively harmful to others.

Furthermore, it’s precisely because these things have been widely accepted as “normal” that people make these assumptions in the first place and why these assumptions are so hard to escape. Thus, there are many people who don’t even realize that they can live happy lives without these things, because society often makes them think they can’t. For other people, they may try to live their lives without these things as I do, but they are repeatedly told that they will end up miserable and alone, and are often harassed or maligned. This may show up in very extreme and obvious ways, but even worse, it may show up as supposedly well-intentioned advice. I’ve discussed this before, highlighting how people who do not have romantic and/or sexual relationships – whether or not they’re aromantic and/or asexual – are often treated as cautionary tales, thus devaluing their lives and experiences.

In my own life, I see firsthand how a large majority of American culture and Western society in general try to convince us that things like sex, romance, marriage, and having children are all benchmarks on the road to adulthood. As such, they are treated by many different groups and types of people as important parts of a desired “happy ending,” or as the way people can prove their worth or validity as a person. Believing these things are the path to a happy ending for yourself is fine, but that doesn’t mean that’s true for everyone, or that “normal” life always needs to include these things. This is where the issue comes to a head in the BTS fandom.

ARMY’s Incomplete Commitment to “Support”

Not long ago, BTS’s leader RM was part of a show called The Dictionary of Useless Knowledge, where he discussed that he may not actually want to get married during the course of his life. While discussing the matter, he mentioned that he used to feel marriage was “one of the natural processes” of life, but more recently had been thinking that perhaps marriage is not for him. This came on the heels of a live broadcast he did in 2022 in which he likewise stated he probably doesn’t want to have children either. While of course these things are not mutually exclusive – and choosing not to get married is not the same as never dating or having romance – these choices are valid. However, many of the comments on YouTube aren’t comments assuring RM of the validity of his choice; rather, many of them assure RM that he’ll “find the right woman someday.”

This is extremely bizarre to me when you consider ARMY’s policy of supporting what the boys want, and it’s a good example of what I mean when I say that certain assumptions are actually the opposite of support. If ARMY really wanted to support RM, they’d listen to his opinions and believe him. They’d assure him that he doesn’t have to get married in order to be valid. They’d commend him for his bravery in expressing that opinion when we live in a society that often tries to force people into these supposed “natural processes.” And to their credit, some do. But many ARMY seem content to not believe him when he discusses these things, and to assume these things are actually sad or questionable – something to comfort him on rather than something to believe and support.

Image description: A screenshot of some comments regarding RM's feelings on marriage - I've underlined the more decent comments in green and the worse ones in red. You'll notice the red comments discuss things like RM "probably changing his mind" when he "finds the right person". Meanwhile, the green comments do assert that marriage is a choice and not something everyone is required to do. While it's refreshing to see this, it's unfortunate just how many red comments exist versus the red ones.

As I’ve discussed before, RM and his comforting words/songs are very important to me, so I find ARMY’s reaction to his comments frustrating on multiple levels. Not only do they demonstrate an unwillingness to take RM at his word, but they reveal attitudes that are all too prevalent in this fandom and others, as well as in regular day-to-day life. Plenty of people don’t date, get married, or have children by choice – do their lives have less value than people who do choose those things? I can attest to how damaging it can be when society assumes that those things alone will make us happy, and it would be wonderful if RM’s example could help people understand there are other paths. But ARMY is not helping the cause when they tell him he’ll “find someone someday.”

Of course, this also bothers me because this phrase is something many people on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums (and indeed, people who don’t prioritize dating and romance even without those identities) are told all the time. As I said earlier, this is an attitude which devalues our experiences, making our identities and/or our choices into things that society thinks we should overcome rather than a valid state of being. Just like the people who say these things in real life assume they’re being helpful – when they’re actually being dismissive – these ARMY clearly think they’re supporting RM. But I would argue they’re doing the exact opposite.

Now, I’m not implying that any of the members of BTS are asexual and/or aromantic, but that doesn’t matter. Whatever the case may be, their opinions about their own personal lives should still be treated with respect. Maybe at some point, RM will decide he does want to get married and have children; but maybe he won’t. Is his life less fulfilling if he chooses not to do these things? If our favorite celebrities express a desire to date or have romance, then yes, there’s no harm in hoping they’ll have those things. But to assume that everyone must want that or that everyone will experience happiness in the same way is the opposite of support. Not only does it have the potential to do harm to people like me who exist in these fandom spaces, but I believe it’s disrespectful to the people the fandom claims to care about.

I find it especially ironic that many of the ARMY who advocate these things like to say that BTS are “adults” who should be allowed to make their own decisions, and yet don’t listen to them when they do make their own decisions, as in RM’s case. RM is 29 years old; he is not a child or a young man discussing things he doesn’t understand. And more than that, he’s an extremely smart, well-travelled, and studious person who engages with life in a very thoughtful and self-reflective manner. To assume he hasn’t given these things serious thought is insulting, and to assume that other people know better than he does about what he wants from life is a form of meddling, despite what ARMY might say.

Furthermore, let’s pretend a member of BTS actually did turn out to be aromantic and/or asexual – would there be a rallying cry of acceptance similar to the way ARMY is quick to say they’d accept the members finding “wives” or “girlfriends”? As an AroAce ARMY, I’d like to think so, but I certainly have well-founded doubts. In fact, I’ve seen plenty of instances where people online actually use “asexual” as an insult. What are people like me supposed to feel when they see asexual and/or aromantic ARMY made fun of, or when many of the opinions that gain traction on platforms like Twitter are based on the same harmful assumptions that plague us in real life?

Image description: I used this photo in a previous post, so forgive me as I reuse my previous description. Content warning: Aphobic language. The first tweet on the left has some context non-ARMYs won't really understand, but that tweet is not nearly as important as the reply where asexuality is conflated with being "innocent" and is infantilized. The tweets on the right not only make the assumption that the members are "definitely sexual," but makes the claim that thinking otherwise is "delusional." 

Our identities should never be treated as something to laugh at or a cautionary tale to avoid, but that’s exactly what we see in fandom spaces, even here in a fandom that prides itself on acceptance, tolerance, and love. While some ARMY are clearly doing this deliberately, many others are just parroting what media and real life have taught them to do without even realizing they’re doing it. After all, living a non-sexual and/or non-romantic life – whether because of identities like mine or choices like RM’s – is still not a popular thing, despite certain increases in visibility. Therefore, those of us who want to or need to live these types of lives often face an intense uphill battle for acceptance that makes people’s attitudes online disappointing and harmful, but not necessarily surprising.

Encouraging Idols to Date Is Not As Enlightened As You May Think

Unfortunately, this attitude does not seem to be limited to just BTS and ARMY. As an ARMY only, I admit I know very little about other K-Pop groups or about the idol industry in general, but I do know there has been speculation for years about what the industry demands of its trainees. I also know, as someone who lives in the Western Hemisphere, there is a very clear Western distrust of the K-Pop industry and an assumption that all K-Pop artists are “manufactured,” as well as being restricted by their labels and companies. A common facet of this belief is the idea that idols are forbidden from dating.

I actually discussed this topic briefly in a previous post, during which I stated that there seems to be some conflicting information on whether that assumption is even true or not. Obviously, none of us can know what’s truly in the hearts or minds of our favorite idols, and I’m sure some of them may feel constrained by the system and want more freedom to date. However, I’m sure there are others who make the conscious choice to focus on their art, their performances, and their careers – because there are many regular people throughout the world who do the same. And yet fans and the media alike are determined to view this as a strange thing and that is the real issue.

I’m reminded of an article which referred to the K-Pop image as a “veneer of asexuality,” an insulting description on several levels. It seems to imply a level of untrustworthiness and abnormality to aspec-ness, as if this “veneer of asexuality” is a strange, exotic element of K-Pop that adds to the Western distrust of its validity. It seems to say that no K-Pop idol could possibly be non-sexual or non-romantic, and that it must just be part of the supposed “plastic, factory-produced” image that people in the West like to assign to K-Pop.

If our idols choose not to date or choose to continue being idols and focus on their careers rather than romance, should they be ostracized for that choice? Of course not. And yet, both the media and many fans seem to do exactly that, pretending that this is a form of support, and that such “support” is noble. Why does it seem so easy for people to believe that idols are being denied these things and are longing for them, and yet seems so difficult for them to imagine that some idols may not care about or even want these things?

As I said, we don’t know what goes on behind the scenes and we shouldn’t automatically assume that if an idol has renewed their contract, then everything is fine. But if our idols seem to have the desire to prioritize performing, making music, etc., rather than dating or getting married, I believe it’s extremely problematic to assume those decisions are some kind of forced tragedy or freaky artificial construct. And, if an idol is struggling, it’s a mistake to assume those struggles are inherently tied to a lack of romantic life, rather than any other number of possibilities.

There also seems to be a strange phenomenon in fandom where assuming that an idol is telling the truth about focusing on their career is considered a “fake,” “crazy,” or “toxic” attitude. Even worse, if you support that idol being single, you’re called a “delusional fan” who is demanding they stay single because you feel you have a right to call the shots on their lives (or because you surely must “want them for yourself”). While I’m sure there are indeed problematic fans who believe they have the right to do exactly that, enjoying your favorite idol presenting a non-sexual and/or non-romantic vibe doesn’t make you “crazy.”

Furthermore, isn’t the repeated belief that an idol should date, get married, and have children also a form of trying to claim ownership over their lives and tell them how to live? I know the common argument here will be that they have not been “allowed to” date because of their status as idols, and so many fans don’t think of this as claiming ownership or meddling, but rather the opposite; instead, they think of it as a worthy sort of crusade to try and fix the supposedly broken idol system. But, as the title of this section makes clear, I don’t think that attitude is nearly as enlightened as many fans might think.

Image description: Assorted comments from this Facebook post. Although the original post is just a rumor, all the comments on the post that state BTS need to be happy with families and wives and children are a prime example of the points made in this essay.

For a start, as I’ve previously mentioned, this type of supposedly “enlightened support” tends to focus exclusively on heterosexual relationships. When discussing “normal” life for male idols, for example, it seems like this specifically requires a “girlfriend” or “wife.” In fact, many comments only refer to dating and romance in these terms, rather than using more generic language like “partner” or “spouse.” Whether intentional or unintentional, framing “normal” in this way seems to imply that same-sex relationships are “abnormal.” While K-Pop is a diverse phenomenon, and thus some of these fans may not be as exposed to same-sex relationships, I still find it ironic when fans claim that loving an idol means supporting them no matter what and yet seem unable or unwilling to imagine their idols as anything other than straight.

Again, we have no way of knowing what an idol’s identity might be unless they tell us. But for K-Pop fans to decide that only heterosexual relationships are “normal life” is incredibly dismissive to the experiences of fans who do not have heterosexual relationships, whether that means they’re aspec like me or are part of another queer identity. This becomes even more ironic and sad when you look at the BTS ARMY, a fandom that prides itself on its diversity. While I can’t speak to the experiences of queer ARMY or even other aspec ARMY, in my own fandom experience, I’m always frustrated by fandoms acting tolerant and welcoming while also doing things like this.

Furthermore, arguments for K-Pop idols dating always seem to center on phrases such as “they’re human” or “they’re adults” – both of which can have problematic implications from an aspec point of view. These attitudes don’t exist in a vacuum; if people are willing to say this about an idol in an online fandom space, that attitude will likely trickle into real life. And if/when it does, it will eventually have an effect on people, whether that effect is seen or unseen. None of that is enlightened and none of that is supportive, regardless of what those fans might think.

Is Romance Required?

In general, I hope more people consider that romance, dating, etc. are not automatically a ticket to a “more fulfilling” or “more satisfactory” life for everyone. More than that, however, I also hope people realize that romance is not the ultimate pinnacle, the way amatonormativity often tries to make us believe. Too often, I’ve seen instances where fans jump at the inclusion of romance or sex in things, and seem to believe these things are better, truer, or more honest than anything without these things.

For an example of this, I’d like to point to BTS member V’s 2020 Christmas song “Snow Flower.” If you go to one of the most popular lyric videos of this song, you will see an absolute avalanche of comments stating that, because V’s song is romantic and the lyrics are about love, it must mean he’s dating someone/in love/writing it for a girlfriend. In fact, many of these comments claim it’s “impossible” to write such lyrics without first being in love with someone.

Image description: Much like in the previous screenshots, I've highlighted decent comments in green and more problematic ones in red. The purple boxes and arrows are my own commentary, which I've added to this screenshot for additional context and thoughts. All comments taken from this video.

Now, just like the people making these comments can’t possibly know BTS’s relationship status, the fact of the matter is that I don’t know either (especially in V’s case, recent dating rumors may prove true and may prove he did in fact write these lyrics during a romantic relationship). What I want to focus on is not the validity of these claims in either direction, but rather how these attitudes are unintentionally damaging towards people who will not meet these supposedly regular metrics of life, and how misguided they are in general.

As an example, I’ve never dated or experienced romance; so, using the logic of these people, I shouldn’t be able to write romance, right? Ironically enough, as a writer, I spend a lot of time writing stories about people in love without actually being in love myself. In general, that’s part of what creativity is about – being able to imagine scenarios you haven’t directly been a part of. Does a mystery writer have to commit a crime or become a detective before they can write a convincing and thrilling whodunit? Does someone writing a script for an action movie have to scale a skyscraper or get into a car chase before they’re allowed to imagine those things? Does a horror writer have to, I don’t know, summon ghosts? None of these other genres seem to have the same requirement that romance does, as if romance is a barrier that only some people are allowed to cross and no one else is permitted to enter.

I’m sure some of the belief regarding “Snow Flower” is because BTS often discuss writing their own lyrics and often center their songs on things they’ve experienced. But to say V can only write lyrics about love if he has a girlfriend (whether or not he does) has insulting implications. It seems to say that romantic love is the highest order and that nothing can come close to it, and that if you haven’t experienced it, then you must not understand it at all. Beyond that, establishing romance as somehow higher than other emotions feels a bit like it devalues other BTS work.

While the boys do write songs about love, oftentimes these love songs are for ARMY, and as such it’s not a romantic love, but a love that’s more all-encompassing. There are several instances where the love expressed in BTS’s lyrics is deep, poignant, and beautiful, despite not being romantic; in fact, I would argue that these love songs not being romantic is precisely what makes them work. That’s part of why I chose to title today’s post as I did, making reference to BTS’s 2019 song “Boy With Luv.” This track, despite its title, is not a love song in the traditional sense, but rather a song for ARMY which asserts that we’re what make them special and that they want to be with us for all our special moments too. Framing BTS’s “romantic” songs as being songs about ARMY isn’t a strange or “delusional” thing to do; rather, it’s part of what makes their music so special.

It's become common for BTS to be asked strange or intrusive questions by the press, and many of the questions fit the theme of this post. For instance, at red carpet events, they’re often asked where their girlfriends are, or when they go on talk shows, they’ve been infamously asked questions such as if they’ve ever “hooked up” with a fan. But one of the most pervasive questions over the years has been the question of why they’re so successful. There have been many answers from the members and fans alike, but I have my own unique answer to that question – in addition to all the most common answers like hard work, talent, and good music, I believe that BTS’s global popularity is due at least in part to the non-romantic and non-sexual nature of many of their songs.

I believe a lot of people, without even realizing it, have been secretly longing for the type of love that BTS encourages – a pure, supportive, non-romantic love that crosses boundaries and borders. There’s nothing suspicious about non-sexual or non-romantic ideas, and there’s nothing wrong with choosing to define normal life as outside these usual metrics, the way much of BTS’s discography emphasizes. BTS member Suga once said people will like the band’s music if they listen without prejudice and I believe that same lesson applies here. I challenge all ARMY to approach their fellow fans without prejudice and to realize there is no universal standard of normal here, just a shared love of music and the shared belief in the dream of seven young men from South Korea.

Image description: One of the final scenes of the music video for Boy With Luv.

Obviously this topic is very important to me, but it’s also admittedly somewhat difficult to discuss. I use BTS’s music as escapism and safety, primarily from the oversexualization of most other media and society’s tendency towards amatonormativity. As such, it’s very damaging to see society try to inject these things into my safe space, and it’s even worse to see other fans doing the same. During my recent discussion of why my fandom life feels dead, I mentioned that many fandoms parrot dismissive attitudes and push people like me out simply because I don’t have a background that most other people will find identifiable or understandable. Everything I’ve discussed in today’s post is a prime example of that.

While it might be tempting to say these attitudes are nothing new and simply dismiss them as tabloid style amusements, I hope I’ve been able to point out why these things are problems. In my opinion, the BTS fandom should serve as a clear example of why these attitudes do have harmful implications and also why they’re completely unnecessary. As we strive for acceptance and understanding in our societies, we need to learn the lesson that these definitions of life and happiness can no longer be a “one size fits all” answer. We also need to learn in fandom spaces that supporting someone should not automatically mean we hope they end up with a “girlfriend or wife.”

ARMY is easily one of the largest and most diverse fandoms I’ve ever been a part of, and that’s something to be celebrated. However, for us to truly coexist together, I believe we need to remember and embrace the lesson that RM himself gave us during his 2018 speech at the United Nations: No matter who you are, where you’re from, your skin color, your gender identity – just speak yourself. BTS as a band and as people have always encouraged us to raise our voices and to embrace ourselves fully; therefore, I believe the truest way to support BTS is not by encouraging them to date, but by encouraging the members and their fans alike to live their truth, and to love themselves and speak themselves in every way.