Why My Fandom Life Is Dead... Mostly

Image description: A scene from The Princess Bride during which Inigo and Fezzik find Westley mostly dead. The concept of being "mostly dead" really applies to how I feel about my fandom life, and so, to inject a little humor into what's going to be a slightly serious discussion, I thought there was no better way to frame the attitudes in this post than with this description.

So, you may have read the title of today’s post and wondered what prompted me to suddenly write a post like this. The truth of the matter is, however, that this has been a long time coming. I have done numerous posts about topics like how to fit into fandom as a sex-repulsed AroAce fangirl, and the struggle it often is. I’ve discussed my personal feelings on popular fandom attitudes and how these things often make fandoms unpleasant places to be when you’re like me. I’ve even attempted to discuss how fandoms can potentially become more aspec friendly or how fans can become better allies to their aspec-identifying friends.

But unfortunately, I have felt alienated from my fandoms – and fandom in general – for a while. Recently, this feeling has become more pronounced, to the point where I feel organized fandom is no longer for me and I’m done trying to fit myself into its mold. In short, my fandom life is dead. Well… mostly dead. And, much like Miracle Max tells us in the iconic 1987 film The Princess Bride, “mostly dead is slightly alive.” So how exactly can my fandom life be both? To be honest, I’m still figuring that out. But I’m still an Asexual Geek and nothing will change that, so as usual, I’m going to process some of those thoughts and feelings here in post form and discuss a little bit about what my fandom life is, what it isn’t, and what it may need to become in the future.

Content warning: Discussions of Aphobia/Asexual Discrimination

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A Needlessly Thorough and Dramatic Eulogy of My Fandom Life

Regular readers of the blog may know that I commonly describe the sci-fi series Star Trek as my first fandom. My parents are fellow nerds, and the various Trek series were always on in my house growing up, so I have fond memories of watching them and they helped form a great deal of my early dreams, hobbies, and yes, fandom life. One of my other earliest fandoms was Disney. I was probably exposed to Disney even earlier than I was to Star Trek, given I was watching the Disney renaissance movies and going to the theme parks very young. However, I don’t remember some of those early instances quite as well, so although it came first, Disney was probably more my second fandom.

Again, my parents are big Disney fans and my mother even worked for the Disney retail locations when I was little, so we had ready access to merchandise and movies. Because of this, I grew up with a healthy appreciation of the fantasy and magical concepts that color Disney storytelling, but also some of the terrific things one could find in the Disney parks of old. For instance, I’ve previously discussed Disney’s EPCOT and how this park not only cemented my love of the sci-fi concept retrofuturism, but also my love for different cultures of the world, and may have even helped spur on my love of history.

Throughout my childhood, I loved to read and eventually came to love writing; but of course, I also loved television and movies. In fact, many of the fandoms I still discuss to this day are shows that I found in my late adolescence and early teens. During my teen years, one of the most influential examples of this was Sherlock, the BBC’s modern adaptation of the Sherlock Holmes stories. Although Star Trek and Disney were my first fandoms, Sherlock was probably one of the first fandoms where I was actively participating in and consuming fan content. It was thanks to Sherlock that I embraced things like fan art and fanfiction, as well as joining the social media website, Tumblr. Additionally, this fandom was one of the first places I saw asexuality being discussed, and thus it was extremely valuable to have in my life as a teenager.

It would take several years before a fandom would be as important in my life, and eventually Dragon Age took on that role. Once my dear friend Laura introduced me to the fantasy video game series, I never looked back, and for many years I was quite active in the fandom. While nowhere near a popular or influential fan, I’ve dedicated enormous amounts of time to the fandom through both solo efforts and projects done with Laura – everything from long-form fanfic to live panels at conventions where we discuss the games and their lore. Of course, I also talk about the games frequently on the blog. Even though I no longer find myself as active in the fandom, the games and their characters are still a part of my everyday life and creative energy, so it’s still one of the most influential fandoms in my life.

The most influential, however, is the BTS fandom – ARMY. My most recent, most current, and obviously largest fandom, being a BTS fan has been extremely important to me for several reasons. Again, I discuss BTS and their music a great deal on my blog, and often talk about how much I cherish them and their discography. But for as cherished and important as the band is to me, the fandom is significantly more of a struggle. In fact, it’s some recent things within the BTS fandom that largely inspired me to write this post. Although the things I’ve experienced as an aspec person in the BTS fandom aren’t exactly new, it’s especially disappointing when a fandom that prides itself on its diversity and that is known for its wholesomeness would be just as tough to exist in as my previous fandoms.

And so here we are. As an adult, I see my fandoms through different eyes, and with greater self-awareness, I find it harder to exist in these spaces. In some instances, this is due to the internet being the internet. In other cases, these frustrating elements in fandom are hardly surprising when you consider that aphobic or anti-aspec sentiment might actually even be baked into the media itself. And in still other instances, those facts combined might lead me to being disengaged with this cherished media, even if I still love these things or have them as a massive part of my day-to-day life.

In the case of Star Trek, despite my long-standing love for it, I was never really “part” of the fandom much to start with, apart from writing a blog post for a podcast’s website, which admittedly helped kick off this blog. I’ve never really gotten actively involved in social media regarding it, and I don’t have an active footprint in that fandom the way I do in some of the other fandoms I’ve discussed here. For instance, I used to be involved in the Sherlock fandom through writing fanfic, watching fan videos, etc. But the series wrapped up years ago, and as such, I haven’t been back to the fandom since.

When it comes to a more recent fandom like Dragon Age, this is a fandom I was heavily active in. In previous posts, I’ve mentioned using Tumblr and even Discord in a fandom context, and Dragon Age was a large part of those experiences, meaning that unfortunately it was also this fandom that helped sour me to them. While there are plenty of amazing people in this fandom, there are also plenty that aren’t nearly as welcoming, and so I tend to stay in my isolated corner, often with my real-life friends who also love the series. Additionally, because the progress on the next game has been a long-time coming (and because, quite frankly, I don’t even know if I’ll enjoy the next game), it’s sometimes difficult to actually feel engaged with Dragon Age content. So instead, I tend to stick with writing stories about the characters, and that’s often enough to make me happy.

Even Disney has somewhat lost its appeal for me lately. A great deal of the things I cherished about the Disney parks when I was little are gone, replaced with things I have no interest in or even actively dislike. Meanwhile, the attitudes of some fellow Disney fans epitomize something that irks me about fandoms – in certain online circles, having different opinions about anything seems to mean you get ostracized and cast out from the communities you’re trying to be a part of, meaning your fandom experience becomes smaller and smaller. In my experience, as someone who has opinions that are contrary to most people’s conventional wisdom or expectations, my fandom experience is often not just small, but non-existent.

Hence, as stated earlier, my fandom life feels rather dead, despite my love of these things. I know the phrase “I like the content, but I don’t like the fandom” feels like something of a cliché, and I think it’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming it’s easily fixable. After all, if you don’t like the fandom, simply don’t engage with the fandom, right? However, I find it’s not always that simple. In my experience, the issues that drive me away from fandoms or force me out of them are pervasive problems that shine a light on bigger concerns. Walking away, therefore, allows these problems to fester and become even worse.

That’s It, I’m Fandom-Shaming

I admit, the header of this section is mostly tongue-in-cheek. I in no way condone shaming people for their fandoms/fandom attitudes or painting an entire fandom with the same brush. I myself am likewise not a fan (no pun intended) of demanding that everyone in a fandom care about a specific issue or hold a certain attitude. Fandoms, by their very nature, are full of diverse people who will all have vastly different ideas about a subject and should be allowed to express them. However, diversity of opinions also means opinions and feelings like mine should be allowed to exist. I’m not in the wrong just because I have a different way of viewing things, and yet that’s exactly what it often feels like.

There are many times in various blog posts where I describe my experiences with a fandom or in an online space and, due to my own lack of forethought, I can’t show you what I’m talking about. But over the past several months, I’ve made it a personal mission to take screenshots of aphobia I witness so I can include them in my analysis. This folder of screenshots is bluntly titled “Proof of points,” as nearly all these screenshots are real-world examples of the concepts I often discuss in my posts, and prove that these things aren’t merely academic, but occur in the real world and on the internet every day. None of these screenshots are things that happened to me, but witnessing them nevertheless feels very personal because I can relate to the experiences of these aspec fans.

Up until this point, I’ve only really shown two screenshots and that was in a post entitled “Let’s Talk About Visibility.” However, as I discuss the sad decay of my fandom life, I feel my “proof of points” serve as a snapshot of just how this decay has really come about, so this section is going to include some of the worst offenders in my two most recent fandoms – the Dragon Age fandom and ARMY. Although I often begin my posts with a clear content warning, I’d like to put another one here. I feel it’s important to show these things and for people to see them, but please proceed with caution and only interact with this section of the post if you feel you can. Otherwise, feel free to skip to the next section.

Content warning: Aphobia and anti-asexual/anti-aromantic discrimination; “Asexual” used as a derogatory term; Aphobic language; Mentions of homophobia

First off, let’s discuss the Dragon Age fandom and their tendency to see asexual identities as degrading. Now, on some level, I can understand some of the argument. Dragon Age’s inclusion of gay-only romances, for instance, is something that can be extremely valuable and important to gay players, as well as players of other queer identities. And, because these identities often struggle to be portrayed at all – let alone be portrayed as including healthy sexual elements – these fans understandably defend the sexual nature of these characters. Although I usually dislike “asexual discourse” because of the many unpleasant places it can go, I can even see where it might be important to engage in such discourse in these scenarios.

However, what’s not necessary is calling people homophobic for headcanoning a gay character as also being on the asexual spectrum. Again, I understand that these communities long for positive representations, but I find it troubling to see people act as though these characters also being aspec would somehow be a degradation. We can have discourse, certainly, but how can we achieve true harmonious coexistence when aspec people in fandom are automatically assumed to be bigoted or prejudiced for just trying to figure out their own representation?

Image description: This screenshot features various asks sent to a blog that wrote Dorian, a canonically gay character from the Dragon Age series, as also being on the asexual spectrum and in an asexual relationship with the writer's male Inquisitor (the player character from Dragon Age: Inquisition). Content warning for homophobia, mentions of homophobia, and use of violent language. These anonymous asks claim the writer is ignorant and disrespectful, and describe the aspec portrayal in the story as homophobic.

There seems to be an attitude in this fandom (and in others) that aspec identities are problems, and that aspec people having opinions about characters is not allowed. Again, I don’t believe in painting fandoms with a broad brush, and I can attest to the fact that many non-aspec fans can be supportive about aspec headcanons, even if those headcanons might disagree with their own. But unfortunately, I think those who do not support aspec fans are in the more vocal majority or at least their opinions are allowed to go on with very little questioning.

For example, look at some of the comments on this Reddit thread asking about asexual spectrum characters. I believe the original poster is asking a very valid question – Dragon Age is a large series with not just three games, but novels, comics, and webseries connected to the lore; therefore, asking if you may have missed a canon aspec character makes complete sense to me. However, although many answers to the post are genuinely attempting to be helpful, there are a few people whose answers are misinformed, dismissive, rude, or worse. These replies fall into many of the classic tropes I so often criticize, treating aspec identities as childish, prudish, less than, or simply wrong.

Image description: Click this screenshot to enlarge it. I've broken the responses down into two sections. Content warning: Aphobia; Sexual language. The first section on the left features someone answering the question of by saying that "luckily" there aren't any aspec characters. The section on the right features comments such as saying it's "very naive" to think there's no sex in the Solas romance, describing Josephine's romance - the romance most commonly seen as aspec - as only being portrayed that way because it's implied there is sexual behavior going on behind the scenes (which, as far as I'm aware, is not alluded to the way this person makes it seem), and finally the notion that aspec people should "just accept" that there aren't canon aspec characters in the game.

These responses are a prime example of aspec people being pushed to the fringes of fandom. The response on the left is just mean-spirited dismissal and that’s awful, but the comment thread on the right of the screenshot may even be a little worse. The notion of telling an aspec fan to "just accept" that there’s no representation for them and suggest they just go write fanfic or have their headcanons in peace isn’t inherently wrong, but it is inherently dismissive. The attitude seems to be that aspec headcanons are fine as long as the rest of the fandom doesn’t need to see or hear about them, and that’s especially disappointing coming from fans of a game series that is full of other LGBTQ+ representation.

Next, let’s head to the BTS fandom. ARMY is a weird example of fandom life because, in my experience, every time I’ve met an ARMY in real life, they’ve been lovely, and yet a large majority of the time I’ve encountered ARMYs online, they’re…not. That’s not to say all online ARMY are that way, as I’ve talked to a few very sweet fans online. But for the most part, toxicity abounds in every online corner of this fandom. Of course, every fandom has toxic elements, but ARMY prides itself on its diversity and acceptance, often claiming the fandom is a happy and harmonious family, when quite often the exact opposite is true. For instance, look at this tweet by an aspec ARMY, discussing how people react if you ask them to tone down the oversexualized nature of some of their reactions to BTS content.

Image description: A tweet from an asexual BTS fan, describing how some members of the fandom want to sexualize BTS. Definitions vary for the term "hard stan," but these tend to be fans who like more "mature" or sexy concepts from their idols. I think the tweet speaks for itself and the phrase "they told me being asexual was the problem" sums up many of my fandom experiences too.

This tweet confirms a vibe I’ve gotten from the fandom for a long time. I’ve discussed this before when it comes to attractive characters in fiction, and that oftentimes aspec people are dissuaded from identifying with these characters simply because the fandom doesn’t want attractive people to also potentially be non-sexual. However, these attitudes are worse in the BTS fandom because BTS aren’t fictional characters; they’re real people. And, not only that, but they’re real people who encourage self-love, so it’s especially disheartening to know that some people in the fandom would rather toss this valuable message aside and instead focus on BTS being “sexually attractive.”

It’s even more disheartening to realize how these same people often want to rob aspec fans of their voices, especially when the band’s leader RM encourages people from all walks of life to “speak themselves.” Much like the Dragon Age fandom, there are some ARMYs who seem to think that even the appearance of anything asexual is a bad, unwelcome, or ultimately false thing, some forced construct that people should be liberated from, and so aspec opinions or identities are often shut down. Worse than that, however, they’re also sometimes used as insults.

Image description: Two Twitter threads about BTS where fans use "asexual" as an insult, complete with my own editorializing notes on the bottom. Content warning: Aphobic language. The first tweet on the left has some context non-ARMYs won't really understand, but that tweet is not nearly as important as the reply where asexuality is conflated with being "innocent" and is infantilized. The tweets on the right not only make the assumption that the members are "definitely sexual," but makes the claim that thinking otherwise is "delusional." 

These people clearly know the word asexual, but don’t understand it, and using an identity as an insult is extremely troubling. This same attitude is unfortunately not just a fan thing, as even a Time Magazine article about BTS and K-Pop once used the phrase “veneer of asexuality.” I’m not saying that any of the BTS members are actually on the asexual spectrum or have those qualities in their real life – obviously I don’t know them. But the notion of asexuality being some sort of persona people can adopt is frustrating, and the idea that that persona is wrong is even worse. Just like I don’t know the BTS members in real life, neither does any other fan, and for some to assume that any perceived non-sexualness or non-romanticness is an icky artificial construct that must be conquered is cringeworthy.

Perhaps all my takeaways from these screenshots are not how the original posters intended them. Maybe my interpretations are not how these people actually feel. And maybe you even take away something different from what I did when reading these. But that’s part of why I feel it’s essential to share these things with you, so you can make your own judgments and see where I’m coming from with mine. Maybe these types of attitudes are no big deal for some aspec people or they can easily shrug them off, and honestly, I used to think I was one of those people. But these screenshots represent just a small fraction of what I’ve seen and experienced in fandom over the past several weeks, months, and years of my fandom life, and that’s become something I can’t so easily ignore.

In What Ways Is My Fandom Life “Slightly Alive”?

Folks, I have to admit – I’m really tired. I’m tired of feeling like I’m getting a foothold in a fandom only to have the rug pulled out from under me. I’m tired of then feeling guilty or full of self-loathing for having the temerity to express my discomfort or to point out when fandoms that want to be seen as diverse and accepting are anything but. In many ways, the internet is both the best and worst thing to happen to fandoms. On one hand, it’s allowed fandoms to spread and grow, giving fans the ability to connect with like-minded people. But on the other hand, the anonymous nature of the internet has long-since contributed to things like cyberbullying and harassment, and I believe it also contributes to aphobia.

As a shy, introverted Millennial with social anxiety, I am never the first in line to volunteer for or suggest in-person social interaction, nor do I think that deep relationships can only be formed in-person. For instance, I currently live hundreds of miles away from some of my closest real-life friends, and so online tools have enabled me to keep in touch with these important people in ways that would be impossible without the internet. But these relationships and tools only work when they’re habitual, and this can be the problem with fandom interactions, especially those on social media.

Naturally, even people we know well and in real life can bully us. Depending on the circumstances, it can take us a long time to see those bad relationships for what they are, and they can do a lot of damage. But I think online circles like fandom spaces can be even worse sometimes, because the people we encounter may not realize they’re doing these things, do them casually, or do them on larger scales, often with more people egging them on. It’s been a belief of mine that whoever said words can never hurt you must not have gotten out much, and I can say with certainty they never had a social media account.

So while I’m divorcing myself even further from fandom spaces, how can I keep my fandom love alive? Well, as I said, I still love these pieces of media, and that’s the most important part. I think the challenge for me now is to reconnect with and focus on the things that made me love these fandoms in the first place. For BTS, it’s their music. For Dragon Age, it’s the characters and my love for writing those characters in fanfic with friends. For Disney and Star Trek, it’s consuming the classics that got me excited for these genres in the first place – and even having hope for newer content still being made.

I think we all long to be understood when it comes to the things we love, and I know not everyone is as lucky as me in this matter. I know it’s not easy to walk away from fandoms, even in instances where staying in them feels even harder. And, although I hate being in this predicament, I also know that the best person to respect my needs is me, and so, at the end of the day, maybe declaring my fandom life mostly dead isn’t a bad thing. I still have my own projects and my fandom friends, and with those things come the hope that I can rebuild my fandom life into something more genuinely my own.

Image description: Another shot of the "mostly dead" Westley, his friends, and Miracle Max, who seeks to revive him. When asked, Westley says the thing he has to live for is "true love," and for me, it's my love of media that keeps my fandom life even slightly alive.

At the end of the day, I know I’m never going to stop loving various pieces of media, nor do I want to. It’s in my nature to be a geek, and I think it would be tragic to not be enthusiastic about these things or loud and proud in my love for them. However, I also know how I interact with these things needs to change. I usually try to be positive when I end my posts, going very much against my realist nature to try and see the optimism in the situations I discuss. However, I have to be honest with you – I have been somewhat horrified and dismayed by just how much aphobia is lurking within fandom culture, and how much I’ve seen aphobia in my fandoms recently.

As I’ve said many times before, I know that what I’m looking for when it comes to aspec acceptance is very different from what many other aspec people might wish for, and of course I’m not automatically in the right. But even so, it’s been a struggle to realize how much of a square peg in a round hole I really am when it comes to these fandom spaces. I also feel I should be honest with you when I say that my tiredness with fandom, aphobia, and the like – as well as my feelings that nothing will really change even if we try to talk about it – has made me seriously consider ending my blog. However, after careful consideration, I realized that even if talking about these things doesn’t change anything, it’s still worth it.

Recently my friend Laura reminded me of a scene in The King’s Speech, where the soon-to-be King George finds strength when he remembers the simple fact that he has a voice and therefore the right to speak and maybe even be heard. So no, I’m not going to stop blogging, and no, I’m not going to stop speaking up. Maybe speaking up won’t lead to me being heard and maybe it won’t change a darn thing. And maybe, for the sake of my own mental health, it can’t be done in fandom spaces directly. But even if what I do feels like void-shouting, that doesn’t make it any less valid. So don’t go through my pockets and look for loose change just yet. My fandom life may be mostly dead, but it’s still slightly alive, and the opportunity for it to evolve is actually somewhat exciting.