How Aphobia Hurts Allosexual People Too
 |
| Image description: I am an AroAce geek and I gravitate towards non-romantic and/or non-sexual characters. But there are plenty of people and characters in my life who are allosexual (meaning they do experience sexual attraction) and they are just as important to me - many of my friends, for instance, or characters like Dorian Pavus from Dragon Age: Inquisition, pictured here. In them, I can learn valuable lessons and see important parallels, and in them I can also see quite clearly how aphobia doesn't just impact me and people like me, but has far-reaching consequences for all people. |
One of the best things about running a blog like this is that the analysis does not stop with me. My blog may be called “The Asexual Geek” and the posts are written by me on subjects I personally want to discuss, but I have plenty of help from aspec friends and allosexual friends alike. In fact, one of the most valuable things about sharing this blog with my allosexual friends is the fact that we broaden each other’s horizons – I bring aspec issues to their attention, and they in turn show me how these issues are relevant to all people too.
Casting my analytical net wider is extremely valuable
because it makes it clear the things I discuss on this blog are not niche
issues. They are not things that affect only aspec or arospec people, and
choosing to learn about them or be aware of them is not just something that
benefits these groups. Although aphobia of course affects aspec and arospec
people the most, there are many times when my allosexual friends too have felt
the ripples caused by aphobic events, which is proof that aphobia is a
universally harmful concept and one that all people should object to.
So in this post, I wanted to do a bit of wider casting and look at the unexpected ways aphobia can impact other people as well. Many of these are things that my allo friends (chiefly my best friend and proofreader) have pointed out to me when they read my posts. Others are things I’ve personally reflected on after hearing feedback from them, or connections that I’ve come to see while analyzing media. I have no doubt that I will miss quite a lot of examples – for all I know, I may end up doing a follow up post to this at some point in the future – but for now, these are a few examples I can think of in which aphobia hurts not just aspec and arospec people, but allosexual people of all genders, sexualities, ages, etc.
-------------------------------------------------------
Tropes &
Amatonormativity
Something I’ve mentioned on this blog many, many times
before is the concept of “amatonormativity,” a term which refers to the
societal pressure to make romance a focus in your life. Although I am almost
always referencing this concept in a specifically aspec context, it is not at
all aspec-specific and it is definitely not limited to aspec or arospec people
exclusively. Even people who have not experienced amatonormativity have
probably seen instances of it happening, whether in real life or in media –
people who are shamed for making the choice to focus on a career rather than romance at a specific juncture in their life, for example, or who are told they
are denying themselves happiness when they choose paths that are not
traditionally romance focused. These things plague aspec people quite often,
but they can and do plague allosexual people of all kinds with just as much
frequency.
In a similar way, the aphobic tropes I’ve discussed on this
blog are not specifically limited to aspec people either. For instance, the
notion that romance and sex are essential to humanity and that there must be
something wrong with you if you don’t have them as part of your life is a very harmful
notion to aspec people of all kinds, but can be just as damaging to people of
various sexualities too. In fact, most of the examples I give in my trope
essays are of characters who are never confirmed to be asexual and/or aromantic
(sometimes the media they’re in even takes painstaking steps to make sure they
are not seen as such). Although they have many non-sexual and non-romantic
tendencies, therefore, they are still technically allosexual characters. That
means that everything I bring up when discussing them not only applies to aspec
people, but to allosexual people as well.
There are many reasons why allosexual people might not have
a sexual or romantic partner, or why they may not be prioritizing sex or
romance in their life at any given time. These reasons could range from
something as deep and complex as past trauma, or something as straightforward
as prioritizing a career or passion project instead, and these reasons are all
valid. And yet society – aided by these tropes – portrays it as completely invalid,
and often makes it seem like people who choose these paths are strange and
unlikable. In fact, the idea of people without romance being unlikable shows up
a lot in various tropes I haven’t even really had much of an opportunity to
analyze fully but have mentioned in passing. For example, the notion of being a
bitter and friendless loner is something I explored a bit in the “Frigid”
trope post, as well as my previous blog post, which is all about the dangers of
using aspec-ness as punishment.
My best friend had a really interesting observation on this
particular phenomenon when she was proofing my post about using aspec-ness as
punishment. She noted that the trope of the friendless hermit who is “taught
how to love” furthers the erroneous notion that a person must receive most if
not all of their emotional growth from romance. This is part of the reason why
amatonormativity is such a problem, because it not only elevates romance above
all other emotions and relationship types, but it actually degrades romance by
making it try to do things it should never have to do on its own.
This is the same problem we see with the “denying yourself
happiness” trope, which I speak about at length whenever I do posts on topics like romance plots or love in general. Much like amatonormativity forces love to be
a person’s major source for emotional growth or completeness, when it is used
in this trope it also assumes romance should be the primary source of a
person’s joy. And of course there is nothing wrong with someone if their main
source of joy is indeed a romance or romantic partner(s); the problem comes when
people who don’t seem to want a particular romance or any type of romance at
all are treated like they must be lying to themselves.
This is part of why I’ve mentioned the example of Mary Crawley from Downton Abbey on the blog, despite the fact that Mary is
very much not an aspec character. In Mary, we see a clear example of how
even allosexual characters’ decisions can be treated as invalid because they go
against the principles of amatonormativity or divert from the expected path.
And of course, as I often try to demonstrate on this blog, this is not
something that is content to stay in media, but has implications in the real
world. Have you ever seen or experienced, for instance, the pressure to get
back into the dating game after a particularly difficult break up (or worse),
despite insistence you want to focus on yourself or the healing process for a
while? I believe this is a clear way amatonormativity impacts the lives of
allosexual people. Much like aspec people of all kinds have to deal with
meddling questions about our personal lives, so do many allosexual people of
all kinds as well. It’s wrong when it happens to aspec people, and it’s wrong when it
happens to allosexual people too. In fact, this ties into the next way aphobia
impacts us all.
“Well-Intentioned”
Meddling
Something that amatonormativity and aphobic tropes lead to
is the idea that people now have permission to meddle in your life. However, the
principles of aphobia that allow aspec people to be harassed by individuals and
society at large do not stop at aspec people. Often times, when I analyze these
types of meddling in fictional environments, I am looking at examples of
non-romantic and/or non-sexual people who are prodded into relationships that
seem to make them feel uncomfortable, often under the guise that it’s for their
own good, they don’t really know what they want, and thus an allosexual person
needs to step in for them. But this so-called “well-intentioned” meddling can
be perpetrated by allosexual people against other allosexual people as well.
Now, I do think certain kinds of meddling can be productive
– for instance, if someone struggles with accountability or engages in
self-destructive behavior, outside intervention from friends and family members
might literally be a lifesaver. But I think in many cases, people have stopped being able to tell what is helpful meddling and what is disruptive
meddling, instead coming to believe that all meddling is created equal and thus
everything is fair game. This is made worse by the notion of meddling being
“well-intentioned,” and the assumption that people who poke their noses into
other people’s business automatically have that other person’s “best interest
at heart.”
The worst part of a “well-intentioned” person is that, from
their point of view, their intentions really are completely pure, and that
makes them especially difficult to combat from an outside perspective. After
all, how do you tell someone who legitimately does want you to be happy that
your happiness is not actually something they have to concern themselves with,
or that their idea of happiness might not be yours at all? I think it’s human
nature to sometimes assume that the things that work for us will likewise
always work for other people – a notion that is so often the crux of all kinds
of bad advice. I likewise think it’s human nature to want to share experiences
with people, and to assume that if experiences aren’t shared or universally
agreed upon, that must say something about us or about the people around us.
Thus, we tend to see a lot of instances where people engage in aphobic behavior
without even really realizing that what they are doing is harmful.
But of course, there are also people who do not actually
have the best intentions at heart, and the notion of “wanting what’s best for
you” can get very skewed very quickly – and sometimes can even become very
dark. For a quick media example of that, I point to Dorian Pavus from the
fantasy video game Dragon Age: Inquisition, an openly gay character
whose family tried to use magic to change him so his lifestyle didn’t shame the
family or end their lineage. When Dorian’s father tries this usual line – “I
only wanted what’s best for you” – Dorian angrily retorts “You wanted what’s
best for you.” An extreme example to be sure, but I think you get my
point.
 |
| Image description: Another picture of my favorite mage, Dorian. Despite the fact that Dorian is a gay man and I am an AroAce woman, I nevertheless really relate to him as a character and see a lot of my own emotions reflected in his emotional journey. When Dorian deals with his family, we see an example of how we all sometimes have to, to quote the game itself, abandon tradition to walk our own paths. This lesson applies whether you're aspec, allospec, or somewhere in between, which is part of what makes Dorian's story so impactful. |
The problem is that trying to discern between a good intention and a self-serving one is not easy, and sometimes even the person doing the meddling might not be able to tell. That’s precisely why I think these types of things need to be explored through blogs like mine – and, of course, in media. It’s up to people of all kinds to examine their paradigms and ask themselves if they are really meddling for the good of another person, or if they are meddling simply because they can’t understand the lifestyle of that other person. And beyond that, I think it’s important for people to look at how they’re involving themselves in other people’s lives. The dictionary definition of “to meddle” means to “tamper with” or “interfere with” someone’s business, to involve oneself unduly with things that do not concern you – and that, I think, holds the key.
Let’s say you have a friend or a family member who is
clearly lonely, and sad about their loneliness, and you want to help them. The
way to help them is by doing just that: offer them your assistance, and listen
to them. Believe them when they tell you that romance doesn’t hold all the answers, and
trust them when they tell you that their lifestyle is not a reflection on
yours. The tropey ways non-sexual or non-romantic people are portrayed in media
tend to make it seem like people who don’t want these relationships must be
judging the people around them for having them. And while I’m sure that is the
case for some people, I think it’s a safe bet to say that most people are not doing
that. Rather than assume that the best path for someone is to be like us, we
should challenge ourselves to see the value in their own life and choices in a
confident way, knowing their life is not a reflection on our successes or
failures – which I know is more easily said than done. In a similar way, we don’t
have to give into the societal pressure that dictates people who are different
are automatically wrong.
Aphobia Creates
a False Dichotomy
A term I use all the time when I discuss instances of
aphobia in media and in real life is the way aphobia “others” aspec people.
Whether it’s tropes or amatonormativity or anything in between, aphobia of any
kind casts aspec people as “different,” “abnormal,” or “outside.” Any type of
thing that others people is a problem for multiple reasons, but one of the
biggest ways it can cause issues is by creating a “majority” versus “minority”
mindset, or to create the idea that someone has to fit neatly into one category
or the other. For instance, some of my allosexual friends consider themselves
to have some aspec vibes, such as some hints of demisexuality or
grey-asexuality, despite living a more traditionally allosexual lifestyle. Of
course, we also know there are many aspec people who might likewise live a more "traditionally allosexual" lifestyle for the benefit of their partner, to have
children, or for any number of other completely valid or practical reasons.
But part of what makes aphobia so harmful to both aspec
people and allosexual people alike is the fact that aphobia makes these types
of in-between distinctions impossible. It paints things as either black or
white, and makes it seem like there can be no meeting in the middle, no
crossover of identities, and no commonality to be found. This creates all sorts
of troublesome notions that people of all identities end up having to work
through. People should be allowed to use labels as they see fit because these
distinctions and communities are important to them, but they should also be
allowed to connect with people from other communities as well, especially where
there is overlap. But when aphobia others aspec people from allosexual people
and makes it seem like it’s “us” and “them,” that creates limits and boundaries
where none need exist.
To use another Dragon Age character as an example, I
return, as always, to Cole the spirit boy. In Cole’s personal quest, there is a
decision on whether to make Cole more human or more spirit – more human comes
about if you have him learn to live with his hurt, and more spirit comes about
if you have him forgive the hurt. But to me – and to many of my fellow Dragon
Age loving friends – this dichotomy doesn’t entirely make sense. The notion
of forgiving and forgetting, although it is quite literal in Cole’s spirit
case, doesn’t have to be seen as a “non-human” thing to do. There is no reason
why the choice to forgive or the choice to manage pain has to be a one or the
other decision. In fact, to cast these things as a “one or the other” decision
rather than showing how both can exist in harmony, the result is, in my
opinion, a limiting of Cole’s journey rather than a defining of it. In similar
ways, we do this to real life aspec and allospec people by making it seem like
one type of path is exclusive just to one specific group.
Obviously allosexual people and aspec people will have different stories and life experiences; our identities, whatever they may be,
will mean we go through different things. But when aphobia colors reality, it
makes it difficult to share those experiences and relate to one another. For
instance, when media is steeped in aphobia and that makes aspec identities seem
weird or broken, how can aspec people share their stories and be heard?
Instead, we should share our unique experiences as well as the things that give
us commonality among one another in order to see both the ways we are not the
same and the ways we are. Aphobia – and any type of discrimination – limits our ability to do that in ways that are totally unnecessary. If we really want to
connect, we can and should throw off the things that smother our ability to
relate to one another.
If you’ve ever been guilty of any of these things, please don’t
feel bad. Because guess what? It’s a clear example that aphobia has hurt you
too. For instance, if you’ve ever tried to give someone help by assuming their
loneliness can be cured by a sexual or romantic relationship, that’s probably
because aphobia and amatonormativity color most perceptions of reality
and have worked to define human relationships a certain (and often erroneous)
way. While some people may be doing this willfully, I believe most people are
only doing it because they have no other framework than the aphobic one that
society has created and entrenched. That’s why it is so important to expose aphobia
for what it is and to show why it’s such a deep and far-reaching problem.
People of all kinds deserve the gift of connection. They
deserve the ability to see the world through a broader lens and learn from the experiences
of others. From my earliest days, I have considered it truly wonderful whenever
I get to learn about the lives of other people or get to discover
stories about things I’ve never considered before. Aphobia robs us of the
ability to do that and to make those connections, and in this post I’ve
explored the even more insidious ways this applies to real life. This is not just
a matter of aspec people being made uncomfortable by poorly written media or
bad plot points; it’s a matter of people of all kinds, aspec and allospec
alike, feeling the effects of aphobia in their day to day, leading to hurtful encounters, unnecessary tensions, unhappy relationships, and so much more.
To put this issue in a nutshell: aphobia is an issue that
touches all people’s lives in some way. Whether you are experiencing it as an
aspec person or an allosexual person, or even if you’ve never experienced it,
it’s out there and it has far-reaching implications for how all people live
their lives and relate to one another. And because this is not just an aspec
issue, it will require people of all kinds to come together and find new ways
to define these concepts. That is not an easy thing to ask, and it won’t happen
overnight. But if more people are aware of how these concepts overlap and what
we can do to make them better, we might be able to take the power away from
aphobia and make things a bit better for everyone, regardless of whether they
identify as ace, aro, or allo - or somewhere in between.
Comments
Post a Comment