The Asexual Geek's 2023 Recap
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| Image description: Just a little logo with the asexual and aromantic pride flags that I put together in Canva for the occasion of my 2023 wrap up |
It feels like every year I find myself asking the same questions: primarily, “where the heck did the time go?” and “how on earth is it already the end of the year?” This year in particular, for some reason, I find that time consistently got away from me, and I find myself almost shocked to be sitting here writing my 2023 wrap-up post. But at the same time, I’m very excited to be writing this post too because I think it’s been a pretty good year of posts (if I do say so myself). I’m so thankful that I’ve had the opportunity to share all my thoughts and feelings on the blog this year, both the highs and the lows, the ups and the downs, the exceptional milestones and the everyday mundane. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming on this journey with me again this year, and thank you in advance for coming with me as we review these topics one more time and I share some final thoughts on some of them.
Still Talking
About Stereotypes
More than once, I’ve realized how accidentally necessary it
was that one of the first series I did on this blog was one about tropes due to
how often I’ve come to reference those posts. It seems in one way, shape, or
form, I’m always referencing aphobic tropes or stereotypes against aspec
people, even to this day. Whether it’s a post where I make reference to one of
those original tropes in my Tropes series, or a post about miscellaneous tropes I hate and why, tropes and stereotypes have become standard fair in my
analysis. Usually, these are bad things that can lead to negative assumptions
about aspec people; however, every now and then, a trope or stereotype comes
along that takes a little more work to unpack.
This year, I did a post dedicated specifically to three stereotypes that I feel sometimes get dressed up as good or even complimentary
things. I framed this post as one of my “Dangers Of” posts, where I explain
some of the hidden problems with things that may otherwise be considered of no
consequence. This was a bit of a complicated topic, to the point where I feel I
wasn’t perhaps able to convey my thoughts as concisely and clearly as I would
have liked. I wrote this post almost three months ago, but I admit I’ve
continued to think about it and have wondered if I could put a finer point on
the issues. Since my wrap up post for any given year is often dedicated to
exactly that, I thought now would be a good opportunity to explore this topic
briefly one more time.
The stereotypes I discussed in this post were “the innocent
aspec,” “the pure-hearted aspec,” and “the good/correct aspec.” Of these three,
I want to talk about the two former tropes one more time today. First of all,
the stereotype of the “innocent aspec” weirdly came up in a very visceral way
literally a few days after I did that post when I saw a conversation in one of
my fandoms about innocence being a weird thing. It made me want to discuss this
topic again and clarify the issue, because while innocence is a loaded word, it shouldn't be seen as weird, whether in
an aspec context or not.
Not to refer to my Tropes series yet again, but this is
something that I’ve addressed when it comes to tropes such as “prudish” or“childish” – or even in other posts, such as my posts about the concept of “normal.” It seems like people assume
that if you don’t live a certain way by the time you’ve reached a certain age
or stage of life, then everything you do is looked at with additional scrutiny.
Just like I think we need to challenge our definitions of “normal,” I think we
may also need to challenge our definitions of innocent. Being a certain age
doesn’t automatically mean losing your innocence or that doing/not doing
certain things means you can be defined one way or another. There is nothing
inherently weird about either of these things and to treat them as such is a
problem that needs to be addressed. At the very least, I think people might
need to change their thinking on what these things mean and should ask
themselves why they quantify certain things as innocent or not, as well as how
they react to these concepts.
While I wanted to mention that fandom issue briefly because
it was so ironically timed, the real thing from this post that I wanted to
revisit was the idea of aspecness and being “pure.” Again, this is another
loaded term, often due to the association of “pure” as some sort of moral
correctness or righteousness; additionally, much like “innocent,” it’s another
term that can be vague and difficult to define, both of which are things I
discussed in the post. Today, however, what I want to reiterate is the idea
that pure, for all the problems it raises as a stereotype, is not actually a bad
thing. In fact, the idea of someone being “pure” – not in the moral sense, but
in a more profound sense – is actually something I think can be very positively
impactful.
I didn’t get the chance to go into much detail in the main
post, but I think the idea of being pure or having a pure heart has the power
to be something safe for aspec people like me, and things that are done with
pure emotion can be powerful. For instance, I’m reminded of one of my favorite
lines in the novel Firebreak by Nicole Kornher-Stace, which I reviewed
on the blog earlier this year. In that novel, the main character, Mal, feels an
intense connection for the iconic celebrity supersoldier known only as 22, one
which is not romantic or sexual, but defies description. At one point in the
novel (spoilers), Mal is actually talking to 22, who is confused by the fame he
and his fellow supersoldiers enjoy in this society. What Mal wants to say – and
what is noted in her internal narration – is this:
“Because you’re pure,” I want to say. “Because everything
else is corruption to the horizon… and you’re the rock around which it passes.”
I absolutely love this quote for a number of reasons, not
least of which because it’s how I feel about my own platonic attachments and
it’s amazing to see it expressed in words. But one of my favorite parts of it
is the reframing of the idea of “pure.” 22 is, basically, a genetically
engineered superweapon whose job is warfare and violence; in short, he’s not
what most conventional wisdom would consider pure. But to Mal, the idea of him
being pure means he’s unaffected and unaltered by the garbage of the real
world. He and his fellow celebrity soldiers rise above the chaos of the usual
day to day and, in that sense, he is pure and gives her hope. It’s a beautiful notion, and the
idea of this being how Mal feels about this character is terrific to me.
As I said, in my own life, I have a few people and things that I view in that light. For that reason, I just wanted to hammer home once again that the notion that “pure” doesn’t have to be a bad thing. For instance, I frequently discuss my favorite band, the Korean supergroup BTS, and there are several things related to them that I find “pure,” not because of any strange perceived moral stance, but because I think these things are earnest and sincere. This can be a struggle when parts of the fandom generally don’t see them in the same way, and that can sometimes make me feel like I’m the weird one for feeling these things are pure. But I don’t think I or anyone else should feel bad about this stance.
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| Image description: BTS member, Jin - pictured here in 2020 doing a photoshoot related to his song "Moon." A year ago, Jin had to begin his mandatory 18-month military service in the South Korean military. Because he is a playful and often lighthearted member of the group, seeing Jin have to enlist has made me think more and more about the idea of pure being a good thing, because I often view Jin's music and personality as being a good and comforting example of "pure". |
To me, pure in this instance is less about how someone thinks and acts, and more about how they comport themselves, how they chose to interact with the world, and what they mean to people. Much like Mal and 22 in Firebreak, that doesn’t have to mean they are perfect cherubs; but it does mean they represent something that cannot be found elsewhere, and that can be a great thing. One of my favorite quotes (which I may have even shared on the blog before) comes from BTS’s leader RM, and I think it encapsulates this idea perfectly:
“You gain some, and you lose some, and that cycle continues.
In that process, we were able to give and receive from one another things that
the world wasn’t able to show us. And even just for a moment, they accepted my
worth. I think that’s enough for me.”
As usual, RM does a better job discussing this idea than I
ever could, whether in one blog post or a thousand. But all this to say, I
don’t think innocent or pure are necessarily bad, but rather it’s how we
perceive them. It didn’t feel like I did a good enough job explaining that, and
so I wanted to go on record one more time to demonstrate how these things can
be good things if treated properly. They should not be used as stereotypes to
treat people as meaningless or one dimensional, but they don’t have to be
inherently bad or good. They can, in fact, exist in meaningful ways, and I’d
love to see a day come where they can do exactly that.
Finding hope in
unexpected places
If you’ve read some of my posts in the latter part of the
year, you may see that a recurring theme was me struggling to have hope that
things will ever get better. But the strangest thing is that sometimes hope
finds you in very weird and unexpected places, often when you’re not looking
for it. Recently, I’ve found hope that things can indeed improve through
sources that are otherwise very tiny, but nevertheless encouraging.
I think these instances of tiny hope are wonderful, because
they have the power to add up and become much larger sources of hope or change
in the future. However, due to their somewhat small nature, I felt giving them
their own post probably wasn’t an option, so where better to discuss them than
right here? Your mileage may vary on how these little tidbits I’m about to
share personally make you feel, but from my own standpoint, each of these
things left me with a bit of optimism I wasn’t expecting.
The first example I want to discuss is thanks to a few videos I found discussing male Korean celebrities who aren’t married. In my “Redefining ‘Normal’” post – and in several subsequent ones of similar theme – I’ve actually mentioned this phenomenon. You may recall me talking about how this also applies to BTS, and how I find it silly that they’re often pressured to date by fans on the internet when meanwhile there are several Korean actors and celebrities who are either not dating or have a very private private life well into their forties. I ended up doing a little research and found videos that dug into that idea. While some of the videos seemed to take the same slant that many BTS fans online take – that it’s a strange and unfortunate thing that these male celebrities are single - I found something about the videos quite surprising: their comment sections.
While the videos can feel judgmental, falling
into the terrible stereotypes and tropes I’ve discussed before, the comments
took on a completely refreshing stance, one I feel we don’t often get to see
online. Obviously not every comment is going to be positive – it is the
internet after all – but I was pleasantly surprised with the number of people
in the comment sections that supported these single male celebrities. More than
that, they seemed to call out behavior that shamed these actors and encouraged that we broaden our view of normal. Amazing, right?
But it gets even more noteworthy, because many of these people shared their own
stories of being happy and single, further hammering home the point that
romantic relationships are not the only ticket to happiness.
These comments were so different from the types of comments
I’m used to seeing and that I’ve frequently shared on this blog, and it was
lovely to see happy single people sharing their truth. While these things were
encouraging, however, they were not necessarily aspec nor were they
automatically comments/stories being shared by aspec people. So, what about a
little bit of hope that did come from aspec people and from allies in the
making? This, much like the previously mentioned video, is something that I stumbled
on completely by accident while scrolling, which made the discovery even
better.
Thanks to a YouTube rabbit hole, I found myself watching a few videos by a content creator who analyzes other content (and sometimes discusses the issues that may be found there). In one of their community posts, they asked what else the audience might like to see discussed in some upcoming videos. One person suggested a good topic might be something related to a specific issue in the asexual community, and I was surprised to see this suggested… and also anticipating the inevitable bevy of horrible comments underneath this suggestion. So, imagine my surprise and delight when not only did I see that this comment had several hundred likes, but also had a ton of really wonderful replies.
Not only were other aspec people identifying themselves in the comments, happy to see the asexual spectrum mentioned, but one of the best things is that someone (presumably an allosexual person) very politely said they had no idea that asexuality was being stigmatized and didn’t understand why people would have a problem with it. Other people also asked for clarification about certain elements of asexuality they didn’t understand, not wanting to be rude, but rather wanting to be educated. What followed was actually one of the loveliest, most civil discussions I’ve ever seen with regard to asexuality, in which several aspec people discussed the issues they and others have faced.
Each aspec person’s answer was well thought out and delivered with patience, eloquence, and kindness. Meanwhile, the non-aspec people in the comments section not only listened to these explanations with an open mind, but even said they realized the gaps in their knowledge about asexuality and its related identities was proof that better representation should be a thing. Believe me when I say this whole discussion left me emotional in the best possible way and gave me hope that there can actually be conversations about asexuality on the internet that end in the best ways possible.
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| Image description: Some of the comments from the aforementioned community post. Although the channel these comments came from is not inherently aspec friendly or about aspec issues, the fact that amazing people like this lurk in the comments is immensely encouraging (click picture for a larger view) |
The final thing I’d like to show off in this section is an article I stumbled upon completely by accident. The article, published by Variety, is about how many young people (read: teens and early twentysomethings) actually want to see fewer sex scenes in their media and less sex imbued in media in general. According to the article, over 50% of those asked in a survey want to see more content involving friendship and platonic relationships, 47% said sex is not necessary to plots, and 44% felt romance is an overused plot convention. But perhaps most spectacularly of all, 39% of those asked said they’d like to see more depictions of aromantic and/or asexual characters.
Given how often I discuss bad romance tropes and
oversexualization on this blog, I can assure you that reading these statistics and
the quotes found within the article nearly gave me a heart attack (and I mean that in the best
possible way). Too often, I’ve seen a lot of surprising ignorance about
asexuality among my age group and younger. So to see these numbers represent
the generations behind me having such a mature take on sex, romance, and their
portrayal in the media was an extremely pleasant surprise. Even more than the
idea of wanting less sex and romance in media, however, the study and the
article point out that these responses demonstrate the desire for different
types of relationships instead. How often do you hear me discussing how much
I’d like to see platonic relationships and friendships of all kinds be given
more attention in media? This seems to prove that, at least on some level, I’m
not alone, and that's a wonderful feeling.
Major
milestones and looking forward
To wrap things up, my previous post had the unique distinction of being my
100th post since starting this blog – a major milestone I never expected to
reach. In that post, I was as open and personal as I could be about the
struggles with those feelings of hopelessness, and chose to see my analysis as a
dream in and of itself, rather than relying on an outside dream or other
affirmation to keep it going. As I complete another year of blogging and have
the next year entirely planned, I realize that my blog really is a tiny little
dream, and that its existence is proof that, while my hope may fluctuate, it’s
nevertheless renewable.
As I’ve said before, discussing these things as I do is not
always easy. It requires me to be vulnerable and raw and more open than many
people would feel comfortable with. It necessitates that I unpack things about
my own life and my own identity, when oftentimes I just want to be left alone
and in peace. But this blog nevertheless excites me just as much now as it did
when I started it in 2020 – if not more – just as I said at the beginning of
this post. And, just as I often say, I feel immensely blessed to have this
platform and to have made it my very own.
Whether you’re a casual reader, a long-time reader, a good
friend, or someone I’ve never met, I thank you with a full heart and true
sincerity. I hope that this blog has entertained or informed you, or has made
you think about something from a new point of view, or has helped you find a
piece of media to love and cherish or have fun analyzing. And above all, I hope
to see you again in 2024 as I find new things to discuss and new ways to keep
my little dream alive.
Thank you all, and may the end of the year bring you peace
and happiness.
With platonic love,
The Asexual Geek
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