Ace Safe Space list
 |
| Image description: From BTS to Brave to Howl's Moving Castle and the British comedy Cabin Pressure, today's post is all about the media that makes me feel safe! |
Hello, everyone! This week’s post is a bit of a departure
from the regular fare on this blog (and a bit longer than most too, I apologize
in advance). Today, I’m going to be sharing with you what I call my “Ace Safe
Space” list – a list, as the name implies, of things that make me feel safe as
a sex-repulsed AroAce without forcing me to compromise on quality. These are
pieces of media that largely don’t rely on sex, romance, or any of the tired tropes
I’ve often discussed on this blog, tell stories about other emotions, or that
just generally make me feel good about myself and my identity.
You may be wondering why I chose to post a list like this
now, and the reason is two-fold: one, my most recent posts have been downers,
focusing on aphobic tropes and fandom drama and everything in between, so a bit
of positivity seemed like just the thing; two, my birthday was a few days ago
and I thought this was a fun way to celebrate! Plus, who wants to talk about
something depressing like aphobia a few days after their birthday anyway?
Certainly not me.
As you read this list, please keep in mind that what makes
me feel “safe” is very different from what might make another aspec person – or
just another person in general – feel safe, and their things would be very
different from mine. This list is entirely subjective and highly specific to
me; but, since you’re reading this blog, I assume you’re at least somewhat
interested in my opinions and so I hope the music, movies, shows, and other
media on this list perhaps inspire you to find something new and fun. Without
further ado, here’s my Ace Safe Space list!
Aro/Ace Playlist
The obvious (and alphabetical) place to start is with this playlist, a list I made partially to enjoy and partially as a thought experiment. As such, it’s far from complete, but can serve as a good starting point. While most music is still an ocean of sexual innuendos and songs about hooking up, you can find plenty of good ace and aro music if you look. I owe thanks to this Tumblr post for helping me find some of these.
·
“Never Been in Love” by Will Jay –
Mentioned in my aro post, this upbeat pop song is about not having or wanting romance.
In a world that claims being alone is sad, Jay’s cheerful delivery of lines
like “I say whatever, don’t care that I’ve never been in love” is the ultimate
aro pick-me-up.
·
“I’m Good” by The Mowgli’s – Another upbeat
song with lines like “There’s a lot of love in this place but I’m just trying
to say I’m good.” Even better, it’s mainstream enough for radio airplay!
·
“Don’t Fall in Love” by Danko Jones – While
the last two songs are kind about rejecting love, sometimes you just need “everybody
wants to fall in love… NOT ME!” coupled with rock guitar.
·
“It’s Working” by MGMT – Sometimes you also
need lines like “love is only in your mind and not in your heart,” perfect for
days when I feel bitter about the general nonsense in most media.
·
“Oh No!” by Marina and the Diamonds –
This song is relatable in general, but also has lines super relatable from ace
and aro perspectives, such as ones about not wanting a relationship and lines
like “I know exactly what I want and who I want to be, I know exactly why I
walk and talk like a machine.” All my fellow aros who have been called robots,
put your hands up.
·
“I Am” by Club Yoko – While this high-energy
song isn’t specifically ace or aro, lines like “I am who I want to be” make it
perfect listening for days when the world feels like it’s out to get me.
·
“U + Ur Hand” by Pink – This song is a
bit of a rule-breaker to the idea of “safe”, since it’s pretty clear what Pink
is telling the guy hitting on her to go do. But sometimes safety isn’t warm and
fuzzy; sometimes it’s acknowledging my anger at people’s assumptions. [Not Safe For Work lyrics]
·
“Heart Heavy” by Mother Mother – Another good
song for the bitter days, but also a relatable one about not getting a pang
when everyone else around you is in a relationship and not buying into the idea
that everyone’s relationships are sunshine and roses.
·
“Lollipop” by Mika – Although this song
is high-energy and upbeat, its lyrics are all about how “love gonna get you
down,” and warns about the dangers relationships can pose.
·
“One Foot Boy” by Mika – When I was in
high school, just discovering my ace identity and living off of Mika songs, I
cannot put into words how much lines like “Empty loving makes me seasick” and “I’m
happy on my own” helped keep me sane. This song will always be perfect.
·
“Loverboy” by Mika – Also mentioned in my
aro post, this song was deeply helpful for me when I was beginning to learn
about myself and my identity, and was my favorite for many years.
Honorable mention:
“Into the Unknown” (Idina Menzel & Aurora, from Frozen
2) – Unpopular opinion time: I don’t really get the appeal of Frozen,
so much so that I never even saw Frozen 2. That being said, the second
movie’s “Into the Unknown” is phenomenal from an aspec perspective. “Are you
someone out there who’s a little bit like me who knows deep down I’m not where
I’m meant to be?” is a feeling I think most aspec people can relate to at times
and to me, this sweeping song feels like a battle cry as much as an anthem.
 |
| Image description: From left to right: Suga, V, Jungkook, RM, Jimin, Jin, and J-Hope of BTS performing in Times Square |
In the post I did for BTS’s 7th anniversary, I said I
would be sharing more of the band’s music in future. There’s only one problem
with that – trying to pick just a handful of BTS songs is like picking amongst
your children. Between group songs, individual member songs, etc., there are
literally over a hundred songs to pick from and they’re all amazing. And, save
for one or two exceptions, literally all of them are aspec-friendly. Even the songs
that could be construed as love songs are actually loving homages to BTS’s fans
(called ARMY). When the boys sing about loving, respecting, and appreciating
their fans, what they’re singing about is such a pure love completely devoid of
the sexual undertones of most songs on the radio these days. When they’re not
singing about their fans, the band focuses their attention on so many of the
emotions I long to see represented in more media – friendship, confidence,
determination, perseverance, and self-acceptance. I’ve heard other fans describe
BTS’s music as walking into a room and realizing you’re home, and for me, stuck
in a desert of media occupied with one thing only most of the time, that’s
exactly what it feels like. Here are just a few of the songs that make me feel
most at home: [Note - some of these are music videos, some are lyric breakdown videos. For the music videos, turn English captions on to get translated lyrics!]
·
“On” – One of the band’s most recent
songs, “On” serves as an excellent first song to listen to if you’ve never
heard their music before. BTS often includes occasional English lines in their music,
but “On” contains several to draw in even the most novice
K-Pop listener, such as, “You can’t hold me down ‘cause you know I’m a fighter”
and “Rain be pouring, sky keep falling every day, bring the pain on.” Whenever
I need a lift, this anthemic song about never giving up, even when your shadows
lengthen before you, is always there for me.
·
“Idol” – Another high-energy song which contains
perfectly placed English lyrics such as “You can’t stop me loving myself” and “I
know what I am, I know what I want”. On days when I feel misunderstood,
chanting along with these lines instantly restores my confidence.
·
“Boy With Luv” – Remember when I said
that even BTS’s love songs aren’t really love songs, but songs for ARMY? This,
one of BTS’s most popular numbers, is one of those songs. There is even a line
about wanting to “keep you safe,” which makes it a perfect inclusion for this
list and takes it outside the realm of most “typical love songs.”
·
“Make It Right” – In keeping with that
theme is “Make It Right,” which contains lines that really hit me like “you’re
the light, the only person who recognized the me who wasn’t invited, who wasn’t
welcomed.” That’s what BTS is for me and when they promise they can “make it
right,” I feel a little less alone.
·
“Mikrokosmos” – Yet another love song for
ARMY, lines like “we are the starlight that shines brighter on the darkest
nights” and “shine, dream, smile… we shine in and of ourselves” speak to the
themes I want in my life: the ability to be a light, which, to me, is a better
destiny than most of what the world says I should want. (Lyrics here)
·
“Magic Shop” – Playing with similar
themes is “Magic Shop,” in which the boys express their desire to help ARMY through
their troubles with their music serving as a literal safe space. This song is
like a warm hug. (Lyrics here)
·
“Lights” – Just in case it wasn’t enough
for BTS to be talented in Korean and English, they’re also talented in Japanese
too. “Lights” is my favorite of their Japanese releases for its soothing beautiful
melody and meaningful lyrics such as “I’m your light, you’re my light – no matter
how far apart we might be, it will always reach me.” And that feeling of two-way
exchange is just one of many reasons why BTS is so special to me and so many
people.
Honorable mention:
Songs mentioned in my last BTS post (“Mic Drop,”
“Moonchild,” “We Are Bulletproof: The Eternal”) – These songs were already
discussed in depth in that last post, so I won’t go into great detail on them
here. “Mic Drop” is included because it made me feel powerful in a time when
everything else was making me feel powerless; RM’s “Moonchild” is my favorite
song of all time and makes me feel seen like nothing else ever has; “We Are
Bulletproof: The Eternal” is the group’s emotional tribute to their journey alongside
ARMY over the past seven years, chock full of references to past songs.
“Spring Day” – Although I don’t count it as exactly
among the songs that make me feel safe (mostly because it makes me cry
buckets), “Spring Day” is noteworthy because it’s entirely about friendship. If
you want a beautiful, heartfelt song completely devoid of romance but nevertheless
spectacular, this is for you. Just remember to bring tissues.
Individual and Unit Songs – I wanted to keep the core
recommendations limited to songs the boys do as a group, but there are plenty
of songs they do individually or in their respective units (a.k.a. the rappers
and the vocalists) that fit the theme of “my safe space.” The most notable
include “Reflection” (RM) (lyrics), “Epiphany” (Jin) (lyrics), “Ego” (J-Hope), and the vocal line’s
“Zero O’Clock” (lyrics) and “Lost” (lyrics), which cover topics ranging from loving and trusting
yourself, to learning how to be happy without anyone else’s approval, to
embracing life’s endless cycles of losing yourself and finding yourself again.
“Uhgood” from RM’s mono – I mentioned the deep
impact RM’s seven-song mixtape mono has had on me in my previous BTS
post and, by including “Moonchild” on this list, I’m doing it again here. I
could literally recommend all of mono, but I’ll highlight one song in
particular for the sake of this post. “UhGood” gets its title from a Korean
word meaning "not fitting" or "falling short," something I find very relatable most
days. Beyond that, there is a line in the song where RM talks about wanting to
reach “the real you, the real me.” As an asexual person, I find it depressing when
media shows how often people think of each other based on whether or not the
other person is worthy of sexual attention. I don’t want to live in a world
like that, and yet I am forced to, which is part of why I am drawn to songs
such as this one as a means of escape. The idea of someone longing to find the
real version of themselves and the real version of someone else is, to me, what
intimacy is really about, not sex or romance.
Cabin Pressure
 |
| Image description: From left to right, Arthur, Douglas, Carolyn, and Martin from the radio show Cabin Pressure |
If you like podcasts or other non-visual mediums and you
need a good laugh (which, honestly, who doesn’t?), I can’t recommend this
series enough. Cabin Pressure follows the misadventures of the
four-person crew of a charter jet owned and operated by Carolyn (played by
Stephanie Cole), along with her sweet but dim-witted son Arthur (John
Finnemore, the show’s creator and writer) who is the plane’s steward, the
experienced and sarcastic co-pilot Douglas (Roger Allam), and the determined
but unlucky younger captain Martin (Benedict Cumberbatch).
The series is a radio comedy, which means it’s entirely
audio only – which also means the hilarious and often absurd situations become
even more hilarious when left up to the audio and your imagination. It is also
one of the only comedies I’ve experienced that is 99% unsexual in its comedy. The
scant few times sex is ever mentioned in the series, the mentions are
incredibly minor and nearly always Safe For Work. Additionally, while romance is
mentioned from time to time, such as in Martin’s talk about being unlucky in
dating, for the most part these things take a complete backseat.
Disclaimer: I can’t say with 100% certainty that that
continues throughout the entire series. Back when I first began listening to Cabin
Pressure, all the episodes were on YouTube, but were subsequently taken
down, meaning it became difficult for me to listen to the show’s last two
seasons. However, as luck would have it, someone managed to get the audio for
most episodes back onto YouTube, something I just discovered while prepping
this post! Here are a few of my favorite episodes.
·
“Fitton” – The crew is on stand-by,
waiting for a customer that may or may not show up. While they wait, they
discuss their personal lives, play games, debate the secret to true happiness,
and try to guess the tune that Arthur can’t get out of his head.
·
“Gdansk” – The crew hosts an extremely
eccentric orchestra, the most eccentric member of which is a woman who believes
everyone and everything is trying to kill her, from the salt on the in-flight
cashews to the height of her armrests. Meanwhile, Martin and Douglas undergo a
series of bets in Martin’s attempt to prove he’s not as unlucky as he appears.
·
“Ipswich” - The crew goes for a refresher
Safety and Emergency Procedures course. As they practice emergency water
landing procedures, study for their exam, and prepare for the safety drill
(rescuing a dummy from a mock-up of a burning airplane), it becomes apparent
they have their work cut out for them. My absolute favorite episode.
·
“Limerick” – During an unbelievably long
flight to deliver a package from Hong Kong to Limerick, the crew tries to stave
off boredom how ever they can, leading to hilarious games, long chats, and a
few interpersonal secrets revealed. It’s a perfect mixture of sweet and
heartfelt, and proof of what makes Cabin Pressure so darn great.
Disney, Pixar, and Studio Ghibli
Having been born in the middle of the Disney renaissance,
I literally grew up watching some of the best animated classics ever made and
so Disney was a staple in my household (yes, I was a Disney snob, I admit it). There
are many Disney movies I adore that do feature romance such as Aladdin,
Mulan, Hercules, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, and others. But there are
several, especially in more recent years, that don’t feature romance at all or
feature it for secondary characters or as background plots, such as Treasure
Planet, Lilo & Stitch, and a lot of the Pixar canon. As I got older, I
also began to discover other incredible animation, chiefly that of Japan’s
Studio Ghibli and the brilliant stories they tell with unflinching honesty and
beauty. Whether Disney, Pixar, or Ghibli, there are plenty of stories I can
appreciate as an adult and an AroAce person that nevertheless give me a dose of
youthful wonder.
·
Brave – Pixar’s Brave
centers on headstrong archer, Princess Merida, who longs to change her fate and
dodge the expectations of her family. After several months of looking forward
to this film, I was actually terrified when I first saw it in the theaters. I
thought for sure the movie would pull the rug out from under me at some point
and have Merida end up romantically involved with someone eventually. When the
movie ended and that didn’t happen, I literally cried tears of joy. Instead,
what I got was a meaningful mother-daughter story, an awesome character I will
headcanon as AroAce forever, and one of my top favorite movies.
·
Moana – Also on the list of recent
Disney heroines who don’t have romance is Moana, who exists in a movie where
romance is never even mentioned or considered! Instead, Moana’s story focuses on
the quest to save her island by following her deeply held dream of becoming a wayfarer,
despite the many dangers and setbacks she faces.
·
Howl’s Moving Castle – Because I
grew up as a Disney snob, I didn’t see this movie until my teen years, but it
became an instant favorite. The film follows Sophie, a young hatter in a
fantasy-esque kingdom who is turned into an old woman by a vengeful witch.
Seeking to break her curse, she encounters Howl’s "castle" and its denizens, becoming
part of their effort to evade the war plaguing the kingdom. This movie is visually
stunning, brilliantly told, and, although romance is a vital part, it’s mostly
about confidence, true beauty, and facing your demons.
Honorable mention:
Princess Mononoke (Studio Ghibli) – A brutal
and beautiful movie about a war between humans and nature which, although it
does have some romantic undertones between the two leads, mostly focuses on
this gruesome conflict. Disturbing in parts (so again, I’m bending the
definition of the word “safe”), but extremely good and a little less romance
than Howl’s Moving Castle, if that’s your preference.
Alice in Wonderland (Disney, 2010 live
action version) – Less a remake per se and more a sequel, the 2010 Tim
Burton version of Alice in Wonderland gives us a daring and quirky
heroine in Alice, one who dodges societal expectations, rejects romance, and
becomes her best self on her own. Super important to teenage me and still special
to me now.
Saving Mr. Banks (Disney) – Another live
action Disney movie. The film centers on Walt Disney’s efforts to get Mary
Poppins made into a movie, which means squaring off against the book’s wildly
stubborn author P.L. Travers. As the story unfolds, we see glimpses into
Travers’ childhood and her relationship with her father, which makes it a
moving father-daughter tale and a worthwhile watch.
Others!
Movies, books, and other things that don’t fit tidily
into any of the above categories have their own home down here in this section.
These include…
·
Harry Potter (Book series; Movie series)
– It would be remiss of me to not mention Harry Potter, a.k.a my fave
book series of all time. While of course there is romance, we all know that the
main focus of this magical series about the eponymous boy wizard is friendship,
bravery, and the power of love as a concept, not just romance.
·
The King’s Speech (Movie) – This is
one of my favorite movies, centering on Britain’s King George VI as he
struggles with a debilitating stammer. With the aid of a speech coach, he
endeavors to overcome his lack of confidence and give a radio address to the
nation as personal circumstances and World War Two push him into the spotlight.
A tale about confidence and finding one’s voice, told brilliantly.
·
The Lord of the Rings (Book series; Movie
series) – Again, how could I not mention LOTR? While there is, of course,
romance in the series (and it could perhaps even be argued that these romances feel kind of shoehorned in), most of the story focuses on camaraderie, courage, and a
good old fantasy quest. In my own experience, I first read the books during what
become a very difficult time in my life (the passing of a beloved childhood pet
included) and watching these characters struggle with depression,
loneliness, confusion about their place in the world, etc. went a long way to
making me feel less adrift and helped give me strength, as all good fantasy
should.
·
Yuri On Ice (Anime) – Yuri On Ice
is about a Japanese figure skater who, following several personal setbacks,
thinks he’s done with the sport, only to be surprised when a video he posts catches
the attention of his hero, who comes to coach him. While the series is not
entirely ace-friendly thanks to some shots of a male character’s exposed
backside, a few dirty double entendre (I’m looking at you, Christophe), and the
fact that it has a lot of romance, I’m including it nevertheless because it has
a great message, one of self-discovery and confidence. The main character, Yuri,
also gives me homoromantic or biromantic ace vibes at various points, such as when he defines
his concept of eros by thinking of his favorite food, LOL. The entire
thing is a beautiful and meaningful story that I can’t recommend highly enough.
I hope you all enjoyed this list! There are so many other things that I turn to when I need to enjoy something free of sex or romance – episodes of Star Trek that don’t fall victim to aphobic tropes, for instance, or fantasy stories that center on adventure rather than romance – but I couldn’t possibly cover them all (and there are others I probably just forgot)! Who knows, maybe I’ll do another Ace Safe Space list someday, or perhaps some of these things will appear as the subjects of their own posts down the road. But for now, I hope this list serves as a good dose of positivity in the middle of an otherwise hectic world and media landscape!
Comments
Post a Comment