Why I Ship: My Life as an AroAce Fangirl Who Still Enjoys Romance

Image description: Mary and Matthew from Downton Abbey share a dance together. Mary and Matthew are one of my ultimate OTPs (short for "one true pairing") and they serve as a great conversation starter when it comes to a question I've been asking myself for a while: why do I ship characters when I don't want romance for myself in real life? What do I gain from it? Today, I'm going to unpack that question, explore some answers, and discuss why that question even matters in the first place.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you likely know two facts about me that might, at first glance, seem somewhat at odds with each other. The first is that I identify as an aromantic asexual; the second is that I’m often a sucker for a good romance and that I deeply appreciate certain romantic tropes in media. Those two things are not actually as diametrically opposed as they may sound, since my own identity and lack of romantic desire do not inherently have to dictate what I consume in my media. What might seem at odds, however, is how I can both love romance and advocate for it being emphasized less in storytelling at large.

While justifying these two attitudes and trying to reconcile them is not really that important in the grand scheme of things (since people, like all good characters, are complex and multi-faceted), I admit I do sometimes ask myself the basic question of why I, as an AroAce person, ship characters in media – that is, why do I enjoy watching them get together and rooting for their relationship to take off? In many fandoms, shipping is a huge part of the experience, whether for better or for worse, and it seems like many people over the years have sought to understand why people ship characters. Oftentimes, a lot of analysis seems to think that shipping gives people a sort of catharsis for their own romantic and/or sexual desires, but then what do I get out of it, and why do some pairings work for me while others don’t? On the flipside, why do some pairings that I should ostensibly want to see remain platonic speak to the shipper in me (see: John and Sherlock)?

As I said, I don’t know if these questions really matter in the grand scheme of things, and I’m allowed to not have an answer for these things – sometimes we all just like what we like and it’s not that deep. Additionally, these questions and their answers might only really matter to me personally, and that’s okay too. But maybe some of you are like me, in that you don’t desire sex and/or romance in your day to day life and yet enjoy it in your media, and maybe you too have asked yourself these questions. Today, I want to unpack why I ship, exploring what I get out of shipping and what my favorite pairings might say about me as someone who is not looking to model my own relationships after these pairings. This is not going to be a discussion of the problems with romance or shipping, since again, any regular reader of the blog knows I’ve discussed these things time and again, but rather a look inward as I try to unpack a question I’ve had for myself for a long time.

Spoiler warning! 

Tomorrow (K-Drama) (ending spoilers!)

Downton Abbey (season 1 - 3 spoilers)

Alchemy of Souls

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Fandoms and Shipping

While I just finished saying that this post is not going to be a critique of shipping in fandom, I do want to start by generally discussing romance and shipping as fandom staples at least a little. While I am certainly no fandom scholar, I know that shipping has been around for pretty much as long as fandom has existed, and that passionately rooting for a pairing to get together – not to mention expressing this desire through fan works – has been around for decades. Modern culture allows these things to spread even further than they could back in the days of fanzines and in person meet-ups, and I have many posts on my blog describing how this ubiquity can be a problem (something which applies whether or not you’re aspec).

For many people, a ship is more important than anything else in a piece of media; I think you can even take that a step further and say that romance is often more important than anything else to these people, something which I believe has massive potential to become problematic very quickly and which isn’t only limited to works of fiction. In my previous post, for instance, I discussed Stranger Things, and I’ve seen plenty of people for whom shipping characters in that show seemed to supersede everything else. For these fans, wanting to see their pairing get together is the only thing that mattered, to the point where it left some fans publicly weeping online to not have their shipping dreams realized.

Look, I’m not going to try and sound morally superior here. I freely admit that I have been plenty salty in the past about my favorite ships being forced apart by the narrative when they should have been “endgame.” Back in my Tumblr days, I used to refer to myself as “the shipper of tragic ships” because it seemed like every piece of media I ever enjoyed had a proclivity for messing up my favorite pairings one way or another. But I believe that making romance the only thing you care about in a piece of media is a recipe for disaster, as is judging a piece of media solely by whether or not your “OTP” gets together.

For instance, this is something I notice a lot when it comes to things like romantic Korean dramas, wherein fans are upset if their favorite pairing doesn’t get an overt happy ending. This happens even if the lack of happy ending is literally the point of the show or if it’s actually portrayed in a complex and nuanced way, to the point where some people declare a show as being “bad” or “uninteresting” simply because the romance was in the background or was otherwise not resolved the way people wanted. To me, that element of many K-Dramas is a feature, not a bug, and even in instances where I absolutely loved a pairing, I could respect the show’s decision to have the couple end up with a non-traditional ending. In these instances, the idea of storytelling supersedes romance, not the other way around.

Image description: Spoiler warning for the K-Drama Tomorrow, but these two characters pictured here, although you may not expect it when you first begin watching the show, became one of my biggest OTPs of all time, and yet their story did not unfold along a traditional path. Despite them being an OTP for me, however, I love that their story didn't have a traditional ending, and felt it was a good conclusion for both characters.

When I look at most modern shipping tendencies, I realize how different my own shipping tendencies are, and how these ideas consequently shape my fandom experience. While it’s true that I often find ships I root for, I never let that desire for a pairing to exist cloud my judgment of the show as a whole, nor do I judge characters solely by how shippable they are. But I’ve seen a lot of fans throughout various fandoms do just that, and I think this has the potential to be a huge problem. Shipping culture is often so prevalent in fandoms that the desire to ship characters goes on to shape how people view those characters in general, not just within a romantic setting, and can even influence the direction or tone of the media itself.

Earlier, I mentioned that shipping has been around for a long time, and when I think of trailblazing shipping and fandom culture in general, my mind of course turns to Star Trek. When it comes to shipping, early adopters of Kirk and Spock as a pairing have contributed a great deal to the fandom culture we know today, but I think the desire to see Spock in a romantic sense goes beyond just this one particular pairing. Both the show itself and the fandom seemed to be largely obsessed with the idea of Spock as an unexpected sex symbol, and romance became a part of that. Some of that allure was of course Spock’s unemotional nature, and the idea that romance served as a way for fans to imagine that they themselves or another character could make him feel something is a bit cringe-inducing. And yet, even in the year 2026, Star Trek is still obsessed with putting Spock in romantic and/or sexual situations, and I think the fandom is at least partially to blame.

However, this phenomenon is far too common in media of all kinds, and I admit that the supremacy of these attitudes within fandom spaces is a large part of why organized fandom has interested me less and less as time goes on. All of these things make it very difficult to be someone who both enjoys romance and yet can see the problems in our society that are caused by an overemphasis on sex and/or romance. Furthermore, because excitement regarding romantic and/or sexual pairings is such a huge part of fandom culture now, having nuanced conversations about these things is next to impossible. If you thought ship wars were bad – in which one part of the fandom ships one thing and another part of the fandom ships another – that’s nothing compared to being the person who doesn’t ship anything or who dares to headcanon a character as aspec when they are otherwise considered a shipping staple.

More than my identity itself, all of these issues are what truly make me wonder why I continue to ship characters when it otherwise feels so corrosive. From people shouting down aspec headcanons in fandom spaces to shows insisting that characters have to be romantic (and employing terrible tropes to make sure it happens), being aspec and also a shipper can honestly feel a little mental sometimes. But despite fandom attitudes about shipping and romance at large, I think there’s still a lot to be said about shipping and romance in my favorite pieces of media, and about my favorite pairings.

What Shipping Looks Like For Me

If I wanted to go with a simple answer for why I ship, I think the easiest way I could answer the question is to say that shipping is such a socially acceptable and often inevitable part of fandom culture, that I began shipping even before I really knew much about my own identity, and because it’s so engrained, I just never really stopped. But I think that answer lacks a lot of nuance. Although my reasons for shipping are different than they are for most people, I still believe many of my favorite pairings and how I engage with them nevertheless speaks to my value systems and what I admire.

To really explore and unpack that, I need to first analyze what some of my favorite tropes and romantic notions are and why I like them so much. And in order to do that, I do think it’s necessary to acknowledge that shipping for me looks very different than it does for most people and the way I engage with my favorite ships is not always super common. Especially in recent years, a lot of the work I do for my favorite ships either has an inherently aspec element to it or else naturally contains aspec themes, and many of the things that draw me to my favorite pairings – or which had made pairings from way back still have staying power for me now – come from a place that is accidentally aspec-friendly.

For instance, I’ve mentioned previously on the blog that I love the idea of treating romance as special rather than as something the can be tossed around casually or easily, and so the idea of love that transcends various hardships is incredibly poignant for me, even if I’m not actually looking for that kind of thing myself. So therefore, I’m sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that I’m a big fan of soulmate style romances, where trials may try to separate a couple, but they refuse to be swayed. The notion that we have been led to the people we most need in life is something I find inherently comforting, so of course I enjoy seeing that portrayed in various kinds of relationships, including romances.

Something else I love in couples I ship is the idea that they understand each other, whether through unique shared circumstances or unique shared qualities they both possess. The idea that these two people understand one another’s struggles and become an unstoppable duo is something I deeply value – again, in relationships of all kinds, including romantic pairings. Much like the previous trope I mentioned, I love the idea of finding people who see and acknowledge the things that are different about you and who cherish these things as a part of you – and in this case, the desire to see that portrayed does indeed reflect my personal desire to experience likewise, albeit not romantically. So too, the idea that people who don’t quite fit into society’s moulds, but instead fit with each other, has always been deeply charming to me, and I love seeing it portrayed in dynamics of all kinds.

With all that being said, I think it only makes sense for me to give a few examples of my favorite pairings in media and why I love these love stories so much. As the cover of this post doubtless implies, one of those is without a doubt Mary and Matthew from the television series Downton Abbey, a couple that initially starts off with some hostility and ends tragically, but which still hold my heart to this day thanks to their chemistry, the way they balance and understand one another, and the way fate keeps leading them back to one another, despite the circumstances.

Downton Abbey follows the aristocratic Crawley family and their three daughters, along with their staff, who live within the titular grand home. Due to strange circumstances, country lawyer Matthew finds himself heir to Downton, putting him at significant odds with the eldest Crawley daughter, Mary. Both Mary and Matthew know that the family is likely going to try and push them together, an idea which they both deeply resent, which leads to an icy first meeting. However, in short order, they find themselves sympathizing with each other, sharing little moments of understanding and empathy that continue to grow, even after circumstances and decisions separate them for much of the show’s second season.

Image description: Matthew finally proposes to Mary in the second season finale of Downton Abbey. Yes, I've used this picture in previous posts and mentioned that it always gets me emotional and it still does, no one look at me.

These are two characters who see the best in one another and who make each other better just through the belief they have in one another’s potential. There are so many big scenes I love between these characters – from their first kiss to their proposal (pictured above) to their eventual wedding – but one of my favorites is actually a much smaller moment in the first season when Mary admits to Matthew that a lot of her prickliness comes about because she feels like her life has no purpose and it deeply frustrates her. This scene is such a raw moment of vulnerability from Mary, something that continues whenever she’s with Matthew, who always genuinely cares about her troubles in a way that is extremely novel to her, and which is extremely delightful to me as a viewer.

Admittedly, a lot of Mary and Matthew’s relationship is made to be a series of missed moments and drama because, well, Downton Abbey is kind of a melodrama. But that doesn’t change the fact that, at its core, their dynamic is one of two people who are clearly made for one another, and I think that’s part of what has made me love it all these years. To me, it’s so much less about the flash and so much more about those little moments of trust and safety, which I think can speak to any viewer, regardless of if they want that for their romance or for their life in general.

While Mary and Matthew will always be one of the chief OTPs I mention whenever anyone asks me about my favorite ships, these days, most of my favorite ships come around thanks to my aforementioned love of Korean dramas. The way K-Dramas portray romance is something that I find so fascinating that I actually did two posts about the subject, highlighting some of my favorite ways K-Drama romances are just built different. In those posts, I highlight how K-Dramas do an excellent job of dismantling some of the most destructive romance tropes and tell some of the best romances I’ve ever seen, often without making these romances the sole or central focus and still respecting their characters in the process.

When it comes to Korean drama couples, there are so many I adore, but I have to give a shoutout to my biggest K-Drama OTP, the main couple from the show Alchemy of Souls. The series takes place in a magical realm called Daeho and follows the young mages who live through the great magical upheavals that begin taking place in their country. In this world, the “alchemy of souls” is a forbidden magic in which very powerful mages can gain the ability to swap their souls with another person, and in the beginning of the show, we meet a powerful assassin named Naksu with this very ability. While fleeing justice, Naksu finds herself cornered and wounded, and ends up attempting to shift her soul to escape, only to find that she has accidentally shifted her spirit into the body of a weak servant named Mu-deok.

Adopting this moniker in order to blend in, she soon finds herself crossing paths with a young man named Jang Uk. Unlike most of his friends and associates, Uk has been forbidden from becoming a mage due to complicated family history, which also links back to the alchemy of souls. When he crosses paths with Mu-deok, he quickly recognizes that she is actually Naksu, and asks her to train him in the ways of magical skill, which no one else will teach him. Although initially somewhat begrudging, they soon begin to trust and rely on one another, protecting and acknowledging the parts of one another that they otherwise have to hide from the rest of the world.

Like Mary and Matthew, Mu-deok/Naksu and Uk’s relationship begins prickly and soon develops, their love blossoming entirely thanks to the trust and understanding they share. They rely on each other, helping each other survive and growing in the process, and their bond becomes so dear and special to them because of these facts. When the show begins, Naksu is ruthless due to the harsh upbringing that made her into a deadly assassin, while Uk is sardonic and closed off thanks to the tragedies of his past, but together, the two become better people – even becoming heroes in their own right – thanks to the influence they have on one another. Their growth is not just because of their love, but rather starts long before their romantic feelings do, simply because they finally have someone who sees and believes in them.

These two couples are easily among my top OTPs in any media ever when it comes to watching and enjoying. When it comes to my own writing, however, my biggest source of shipping inspiration is easily the video game series, Dragon Age, particularly the third game in the series, Dragon Age: Inquisition. The Dragon Age games are roleplaying games, and so they give you the ability to decide who, if anyone, you would like to have your character romance. In the third game, your character – known as the Inquisitor – has several options, some depending on your character’s gender and preferences, and I don’t think it would be too much of an exaggeration to describe me as being a bit obsessed with the romance between a female Inquisitor and Cullen Rutherford.

Naturally, because this romance involves a canon character who is often shipped with other characters too and a player character that will change dramatically depending on player choices, everyone’s interpretation of this ship is going to be a little different (although the game gives us all the same framework for the romance itself). But when it comes to my personal work, I either ship Cullen with my own character or with my good friend Laura’s original character. In fact, a large majority of my writing for the fandom is in collaboration with Laura and we have several works that we coauthor, many of which feature this romance and other romances in the series quite predominantly. In our stories, my favorite thing to write about and portray is the fact that these characters come to support each other through thick and thin, forming a bond based on healing and tenderness.

Image description: [Image not mine, credit to YouTube user Ashe] An image of Cullen with a human female Inquisitor in their final blissful scene of Dragon Age: Inquisition.

Additionally, as I’ve discussed in previous posts, I strongly believe Cullen can be seen as an aspec character – demisexual and demiromantic specifically, as I choose to portray him in my fanfic – once again highlighting how my shipping is often inherently shaped by my aspec identity and how it influences my love of characters. The hundreds of thousands of words I’ve written/co-written are proof that this pairing and this character are important to me; but ironically enough given that fact, the fandom tendency to love Cullen as a romantic lead also highlights the issues I have with shipping, many of which I’ve pointed out before. When it comes to a character who is meant to be a heartthrob, shipping can become difficult for an aspec fan like me because our more aspec interpretations are often devalued and dismissed, as I’ve seen routinely happen with Cullen.

It’s these types of attitudes that have largely soured me on my various fandoms and which make it so difficult to be an aspec shipper, leading me to question why I continue to enjoy shipping when many fandoms make it such a difficult pill to swallow. More than why and how I ship, however, I think there’s a bigger question that I consider even more often: in a world where more media and fandoms understood the value of non-romantic relationships, would I still be a shipper? Would I still root for romantic relationships in a world where non-romantic relationships were more prevalent?

The Bigger Question

The idea of why I ship some characters and not others, why I love a character in one romance but hate them in another, and why I think some characters should be aspec even if I can appreciate certain romantic ideas for them... these are all big questions, often with answers I can’t easily define. But when I ask myself if I would still be a shipper in a world that was able to value various types of relationships, as posed above, I think the answer is a bit more straightforward: yes. If anything, I think I would actually be more enthusiastic about romantic pairings in that scenario because they wouldn’t be the default, something which would significantly improve my personal fandom experience.

As a storyteller myself, I know the value of romance very well, and as I mentioned above in relation to Dragon Age, I have spent countless hours writing romantic pairings, so I know how great those things can be. But within my work, I also deeply value non-romantic relationships – found family dynamics, platonic soulmates, deep friendships, loving parent/child relationships, and so much more. Writing stories about people who love each other, but in a non-romantic sense, is so important to me, and I know it’s something I want to spend my creative life focusing on, but that doesn’t mean there’s no place for romance. I believe the key is portraying a spectrum of relationships rather than focusing solely on romance, because (as I said before) I firmly believe this only serves to make those romances matter more.

I would love to imagine a world where a romantic pairing is given the time and space to develop organically, rather than being something a character is required to have by the narrative and the fans. I would love to see fandoms where a character’s other relationships are celebrated just as much if not more than romantic ones, rather than having romance be manufactured where none need exist. It would be wonderful to experience romantic stories where every moment of romance is earned, and where said romance isn’t only considered great because of sex and/or sexual tension. Romance has its place, just like any genre does, but in order to better serve everyone, it needs to continue evolving and growing into something better. And by that same token, I think we need to see non-romantic love be treated as just as valuable as shipping within all sorts of fandoms.

This post is entirely about why I ship, and if I want a deeper answer to this question, I would say the reason why I ship is because I believe one day shipping – and romantic media in general – can be better than what they are now. I’m sure we all have examples where we can point to an older piece of media as an example of how societal ideas about romance and what’s considered “romantic” have changed in the years or even decades since its release, and I’d like to believe that one day years from now we’ll see a similar change in how media and fandoms handle romance in general. That might sound a little unnecessarily lofty, but I think it’s a good goal to have, one that I firmly believe will improve storytelling and romance as a genre for aspec people and people of all kinds. And that, at the end of the day, is truly why I ship.