Ace Safe Space list, part 2
 |
| Image description: Last year, I brought you my Ace Safe Space list; this year, I add to that list with more BTS songs, more British TV, and even some classic sci-fi. Pictured here, from top left going clockwise - BTS, Psych, Monk, and Merlin. |
Hello, readers! We have once again arrived at that time of the summer where I decide to slow down just a little bit and spend a week shifting from analysis into pure enjoyment. Last year around this same time, I created what I called my “Ace Safe Space” list – pieces of media that I personally consider my safe spaces, and that I as a sex-repulsed ace can enjoy and cherish.
Something you may have noticed about my last list is that
very few of the items on there are canonically aspec. Some of them aren’t aspec
at all. But they either help me escape from the aphobia of some popular media,
or offer me a much-needed respite from a media landscape that is usually rather
unfriendly towards an AroAce like me. There are also some things, particularly in
this year’s list, that I gravitate towards because I feel they have important
messages that resonate with me on an aspec level and give me the strength to
keep going.
As I said in the first list, my definition of “safe” and
another person’s definition are likely to vary wildly, so this list is my own
highly subjective list that is based solely on my own tastes and opinions.
You’ll see some of the usual suspects on this year’s list – things I’ve
discussed before on this blog, for instance – but you’ll also see things that are
maybe a tad more obscure. But either way, I hope you enjoy this second dive
into the things I consider safe for this ace!
BTS
 |
| Image description: From left to right: Jungkook, Jin, V, Jimin, RM, Suga, and J-Hope of BTS, as photographed for Esquire magazine in 2020. |
On February 14th, 2020, two very important things happened to me – the first was that I started this blog, and the second was that I officially began considering myself an ARMY, a fan of global superstars BTS. At the time, I never expected they would feature so heavily on my blog, but to date they have been the subject or featured in at least six different posts I’ve done. And today, they’re going to be included in a seventh post (how perfect is that?). Just like in last year’s “Ace Safe Space” post, this section is once again dedicated to BTS songs that fit into my definition of safe space. It’s a list that ranges from ultra-popular to highly obscure, but they all share the BTS touch of being unsexual and unromantic, focusing instead on the highs and lows of life and how we as people can navigate them. As always, the links included are either to music videos (which have English subtitles) or have lyric translations included with the audio.
“Not Today” – Let’s start things off with an anthem; let’s start with a song whose opening line goes “all the underdogs in the world: a day may come where we lose, but it is not today! Today we fight!” I think it goes without saying why this song is a powerful one. From its “never say die” lyrics to its action-packed music video, “Not Today” reminds me to dig in when the going gets tough and “to believe in you who is beside me.”
“Whalien 52” – I mentioned “Whalien” briefly in the post I did for my blog’s first anniversary, which was about the theme of using your voice. This song is the embodiment of that theme in so many ways. The whale referenced in the song’s title and lyrics is an actual whale, unique because it sings in a frequency that is shared by no other whale and thus spends its time singing alone. BTS uses this as a metaphor for loneliness and feeling unheard, unseen, or misunderstood. But there is also an optimistic note to it – that if you keep singing, keep pushing past the loneliness, and keep using your voice, you will eventually be seen. A very powerful message and one I deeply cherish. (Lyrics here) (Language warning)
“Sea” – Something you may be noticing is that the ocean plays a large thematic role in BTS’s music, as does the contrasting notion of the desert. In one of their concerts, there is a piece of narration that describes abundant possibility as an ocean and the inevitable following hardships as a desert. “In order to reach the ocean,” it says, “you have to go past the desert,” a motif that is perhaps embodied best in the song “Sea.” This hidden track on BTS’s Love Yourself album acknowledges that sometimes hope and hardship is bound together, and that one must exist in order to have the other. It’s a painful sentiment, but I find it a beautiful and inspiring one, and it has been incredibly important in my journey, not just as an aspec person, but as a person in general.
“Young Forever” – “Young Forever” is a song that is special to both BTS and ARMY, thanks in part to ARMY singing it for BTS at Wembley Stadium in 2019 (warning: the video is a little loud; video not mine). But beyond just that moment, the song itself is meaningful because of its theme to always keep running towards your dreams. The simple but powerful lyrics of “dream, hope, march on,” have formed a simple and impactful mantra that I try to remember in my day-to-day life.
“You Never Walk Alone” – As the title implies, this song gives me the comforting assertion that I am not as truly alone in the world as I sometimes feel. Although it is a short outro song, it nevertheless manages to pack a tremendous amount of meaning and emotion into its lyrics, which are all about moving forward despite pain, even if you go slowly. (Lyrics here)
“Life Goes On” – This is another song I mentioned in a previous post – my “Lessons Learned from 2020” post, which was ironically released the same day as the song itself. As a result, it became not only my soundtrack while working on that post, but also became an important part of its fabric and substance. Written to give hope during the COVID-19 pandemic in November of 2020 with seemingly no end in sight, “Life Goes On” and its titular message resonate even beyond COVID. Its gentle reassurance that life goes on despite hardships, and the helping hand it offers in the struggle to continue onward, makes me cry sometimes but also gives me a lot of hope when the path otherwise seems dark.
“Dynamite” – Okay, so admittedly I have a bit of a complicated relationship with “Dynamite,” the band’s first English song and a rarity among their extensive musical canon. For a start, in addition to its language, “Dynamite” is rare because it was not written by the BTS members. As such, the usual emotion and lyrical complexity is absent from this song, especially since it was made for the express purpose of being a cheerful summer bop. Despite those elements, this song nevertheless occupies a special place in my heart for coming out at a time when I really needed some good vibes. Even more than that, however, this song is unique because, almost immediately, it began smashing records, including getting BTS their first #1 hit on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. While many ARMY of course find this special and spectacular, I find “Dynamite’s” success incredible for a very personal reason – it managed to accomplish this wide-spread domination while being (like most of BTS’s songs) completely devoid of romance, sex, or anything that could even be remotely construed as such. Rather, its message is simply that “life is dynamite” – there’s a lot to be excited about in life, so why not embrace it? Thus, although I have some problems with it, I will always cherish the fact that such a smash hit song made it to the top while being completely aspec-friendly. There’s power in that.
Honorable Mention:
“Black Swan” – “Black Swan” doesn’t really have anything about it that’s aspec or aspec adjacent, but I am still including it on this list because, in my opinion, it’s among the best of the best and one of my absolute personal faves. The theme of this song is an artist losing passion for their craft; as a writer, it speaks to some of my own personal fears. This song reminds me that it’s okay to doubt or to worry about things like that, or to feel on shaky ground with my work of any kind, but its powerful assertion of “I’ll never get dragged away again, nothing can devour me” has been of immense help to me several times.
Individual and Unit Songs – As with last time, I tried to keep my core recommendations limited to songs done by the entire group. But I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t also shoutout another set of songs the members either do as individuals or as subunits. This time I would like to plug “Awake” (Jin) (lyrics), “Persona” (RM), “Respect” (RM & Suga) (lyrics), “Friends” (V & Jimin) (lyrics), and the rap line’s “Cypher pt. 4” (lyrics). Once again, I’ve mentioned a few of these briefly. “Friends,” for instance, is something I mentioned in passing in my Redefining Love post, where I mentioned how amazing it is to see a song purely about friendship that defines “soulmate” in platonic terms. I’ve also mentioned RM’s “Persona” in my anniversary post, given the fact that the line “I just want to give you all the voices ‘till I die,” really resonates with me on a personal level. Meanwhile, “Respect” helped me redefine what I personally mean when I seek respect from others, “Awake” reminds me to see my limits but still move forward, and “Cypher pt. 4” contains the heady chanting chorus of “I love, I love, I love myself!” Because sometimes you just have to tell those who stand in your way “ya player hater, you should love yourself.”
“People” from Suga’s D2 (lyrics here) – Several times on this blog, I've mentioned the comfort I have found in RM’s solo mixtape, mono. While I will always go to mono for comfort, I also find myself very drawn to another BTS rapper’s mixtape – Suga’s 2020 mixtape D2, released under his other stage name Agust D, and in particular the song “People.” In this song, Suga discusses his view on human nature, including a lyric that hits me hard every time: “Am I a good person? Or a bad person? There are a million ways to judge; simply put, I’m just a person.” In these lyrics – and many times in the mixtape in general - Suga also looks at his own life and comes to terms with the inevitability of his personality as a serious and sometimes somber person. “Sometimes I might get hurt, sometimes I might shed tears, so what?” he asks. “So what if I live like that?” As someone who often goes through those same struggles, “People” really makes me feel seen. It reminds me it’s all right to be a person who struggles, who makes mistakes, and who grows. It’s okay to be me, even if I too am sometimes "so serious."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Merlin
As you might be able to guess from the name, Merlin is another take on Arthurian legend. It’s a family-friendly TV series from the BBC that looks at Arthur, Guinevere, Morgana, and of course the titular Merlin, beginning when they are young adults and continuing to the events covered in most retellings of Arthurian legend.
Naturally, due to the nature of its source material, there is some romance in the series, but it appears in very small amounts and is always devoid of a sexual element. Although Merlin can be a bit silly at times (except for the moments when it’s ripping my heart out), I am very thankful that these “family-friendly” retellings exist, because what that unintentionally means for me is that they’re also my preferred brand of “aspec-friendly.”
The show is definitely not short on emotion or great character moments or plot lines that make you care deeply about everything that’s happening, but it does so all without compromising its mostly wholesome vibe (obviously as wholesome as an Arthurian legend retelling can possibly get). Although it hurts me at times and I like to pretend the entire last season does not exist, Merlin does a lot of things right, and a lot of things I yearn to see reproduced in other retellings and similar types of shows. Even stories that do feature slightly more romance or even implied sexual elements can take a leaf out of this wizard’s book and do so in a way that is aspec-friendly.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Psych
Something I talk about a lot on the blog is the ways that comedy and comedic tropes can be horribly aphobic, which makes it hard for me to find a lot of comedy I can enjoy. In my last Safe Space list, I discussed one of my favorite comedies, the radio show Cabin Pressure; in this list, I’d like to shoutout two of my favorite comedy TV shows, both of which are also mysteries – Psych and Monk (see below).
Psych is about a hyper-observant (but often quite goofy) man with an eidetic memory who passes himself off as psychic in order to solve crimes for the Santa Barbara Police Department, aided by his best friend. It’s the perfect blend of fun mysteries, hilarious jokes, and pop culture references, and has been my absolute favorite comedy for years. But something I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older is that part of why I love it so much is that it’s not very sexual, which can feel rare when it comes to both comedy and mystery as genres.
Now, I won’t say that it’s entirely non-sexual. The two male leads often discuss dating or women they find attractive, some of the cases they solve do involve sexual elements, and there are definitely some ribald jokes at times. The latter in particular increase over time, especially as the show admittedly started to get a bit sillier and more over-the-top in much of their comedy in later seasons. In general, this is also something we tend to see in many shows that have multiple members of a writing team, resulting in episodes having a very different feel from one another as different writers have different interpretations of the characters or what comedy is. But despite these occasional moments, I find Psych’s comedy style far more accessible than most comedies I’ve seen and will always love it.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Monk
The show Monk is more serious in tone and execution than Psych, but still hilarious and well-done. It follows detective Adrian Monk, who, despite many extensive phobias, uses an almost Sherlock Holmes level of intellect and observation to solve unique crimes. Monk is a bit of an interesting example for a few reasons, chief among them being that Adrian Monk actually has some aspec vibes himself. An important part of the show’s overall narrative is that Monk’s wife Trudy was killed some years earlier by a car bomb, and losing her not only worsened many of his phobic tendencies, but also remains a case he cannot solve. Throughout the series, it is shown very clearly how much Monk adored his wife and how faithful he continues to remain to her even years after her death; as such, romance is extremely rare for Monk, let alone sex. This does occasionally cross into slightly uncomfortable territory, such as when the people around Monk try to encourage him to explore potential romance options. It doesn’t happen very often, but it does happen as the main plot point of a few episodes, and while it always ends with Monk not taking to the romance and continuing to stay faithful to Trudy, the fact that it happens at all is a bit disappointing.
These moments of Monk feel rejecting romance feel very demisexual or demiromantic; even Monk’s relationship with Trudy, although extremely loving, seems to not be a very sexual one. While this is really intriguing to me personally, I hesitate to get too excited about it for a few reasons. For a start, one of the times in which this is made clear is in an episode where Monk’s therapist is asking him about his sex life. Monk begins by describing a very pure scenario with Trudy, but his therapist pushes the subject, which Monk then begins to dodge (in admittedly a very amusing way). The fact that Monk never answers the question makes it unclear if Monk is just uncomfortable discussing the subject, if he and Trudy rarely (if ever) had a sexual component to their marriage, or both, but being grilled about the subject – even if it is by a therapist – definitely tests my limits of “safe space.”
Another thing that works against the aspec vibes is the way Monk’s phobias are sometimes portrayed. Especially in earlier seasons, people will cruelly refer to Monk as “the defective detective,” especially because one of his phobias is germaphobia, and because he also has some clear obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I’m sure there are people far, far better equipped to discuss the portrayal of Monk’s OCD and phobias than I am, so I won’t dive into that. But I do know there are other examples where non-sexual behavior is described away in media as OCD and thus “a defect to be corrected,” which is problematic from every possible angle. Luckily, despite this, Monk is never “cured” or “corrected” and is allowed to be non-sexual and non-romantic most of the time, as well as being largely loved and respected by the people in his life. These issues aside, the fascinating mysteries, amazing portrayals, and hilarious writing – coupled with the lack of sex or romance – make Monk a perennial favorite of mine and one I can often feel pretty secure in.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Twilight Zone
 |
| Image description: "You are traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind." Pictured here is the man who says that iconic opening, Rod Serling, host and frequent writer of classic sci-fi TV series, The Twilight Zone. |
You may be looking at this one and thinking I’ve officially lost my marbles, but hear me out. If you’re not familiar with the original 1959 series, The Twilight Zone was a sci-fi anthology series (meaning each episode told a standalone story) about bizarre scenarios in which ordinary people find themselves in extraordinary circumstances. If you’ve ever heard someone describe a moment as like being “in the Twilight Zone,” this is what they mean. I love The Twilight Zone for its creative storytelling and the ability to make me think very deeply the way all good sci-fi should. I also love it because it was made in the 60’s, and thus by its very nature cannot be graphically sexual. But beyond just that, while there are of course stories about love (and how being in the Twilight Zone affects that), there are many stories in which relationships are not a factor, or are significantly on the fringes of an otherwise larger issue. As such, although some of the episode ride the line on being a safe space because they’re just plain eerie or make us imagine some uncomfortable scenarios, the series as a whole is one of the most accessible pieces of sci-fi I myself have ever encountered. Here are just a few of the episodes I find the most personally relatable and meaningful from an aspec perspective:
“The Obsolete Man” – Easily one of the best and most iconic episodes of the series, “The Obsolete Man” takes place in a future society where a totalitarian government known simply as “The State” decides what people are useful and what people are not; those deemed “obsolete” are executed. The story follows one of these “obsolete” people, a librarian named Romney Wordsworth, whose existence is considered worthless because The State has made books illegal. Although The State is determined to crush him, Mr. Wordsworth has other ideas, and faces off against an agent of the State in a fascinating battle of wills.
This episode speaks to me on a few levels, primarily as someone who loves books and the written word, but it also speaks to me on the level of someone who often feels unwanted by society. In my opinion, some of the best episodes of The Twilight Zone are about people society does not want, and how they assert the truth that they are valid and they exist. In fact, several episodes on this list will be about that very theme, because it obviously speaks to me as an aspec person. Sci-fi is a good cautionary tool and a good battle cry, and the bravery of the otherwise meek and mild Romney Wordsworth gives me a sort of personal satisfaction, a reminder that no one can make you truly obsolete.
“Eye of the Beholder” – “The Eye of the Beholder” (also sometimes known by the alternate title of “The Private World of Darkness”) is about a woman named Janet Tyler who is deemed hideously ugly by society and is treated as a pariah. When we join Janet’s story, she is in a hospital following one of many surgeries to try and make her look “normal” and her face is covered in bandages. Her doctors tell her that this is the last surgery their society will pay for, and that if it fails she will have to live with her “deformity” and be relocated.
Like most episodes of The Twilight Zone, this one has a twist ending which I will not spoil. But as you can probably guess from the episode’s title, the ending encourages us to think about beauty, the emphasis society places on it, and what those standards even mean in the grand scheme of things. But beyond just that, Janet Tyler represents another individual who pushes back against the ways in which her society “others” her and takes away her value. The story is about physical appearance specifically, but it could be about anything, really – any identity or type of person – and her struggle against being labeled as a “freak” and pushed aside has a sort of universal application that I think many people, myself included, can find meaning in.
“Number 12 Looks Just Like You” – Continuing the theme of beauty and totalitarian societies comes one of my all-time favorite episodes of the entire series, “Number 12 Looks Just Like You.” The non-conformist hero of this episode is eighteen-year-old Marilyn, who lives in a future society (noticing a trend?) where all people go through “The Transformation” – a procedure that extends their lifespans, eliminates disease and deformity, and changes them into beautiful, homogenized model look-alikes. This is something most people look forward to; Marilyn, on the other hand, is an intelligent but plain young woman who is adamant that she does not want to go through this change. Rather, she continues to talk about the values of individualism and true inner beauty, which are considered heretical by the standards of everyone else around her.
This episode, like many great stories in The Twilight Zone, hits hard. For me, it hits particularly hard, because many of the things Marilyn thinks, feels, and endures are very recognizable from an aspec perspective – so much so that I may do an entire post on this episode at some point in the future. To me, Marilyn is definitely the same type of hero as Romney Wordsworth or Janet Tyler from the previous two episodes; they are all characters who are marked as different by the people around them and who face the overwhelming pressure of having no one understand them. In a hypersexualized world and culture, it can sometimes feel like aspec people are all alone. For me as a sex-repulsed ace, this feels even more pronounced, and it can feel like I am taking on the world all by myself. Marilyn and the characters in the series like her, although their circumstances are far more extreme and their stories not something I ever want to experience, teach me to be brave in the face of these challenges. If I can have even half of their fortitude, I will consider myself lucky, and thus their tales serve as huge points of inspiration for me.
“Mr. Bevis” – Despite the serious and dystopian nature of the three episodes I’ve discussed so far, not all episodes of The Twilight Zone are dark. In fact, some of them even end happily. One such episode is “Mr. Bevis,” which follows the titular James Bevis, a kind and quirky oddball who endures a colossally bad day: within the span of a few hours, he is fired from his job, his car gets wrecked, and he is evicted from his apartment. But within that same time span, he also meets his guardian angel, who offers him a chance to redo the day and reverse all the unpleasant things that have just happened. But the cost is that, in order to keep these things from happening, Mr. Bevis will have to be a different version of himself – one who is put together, competent, and all together not quirky.
I don’t feel bad about spoiling the ending of this one because it’s not much of a twist. I’m sure you can probably guess what happens – Mr. Bevis decides he would much rather be who and what he is, even if it means life is tough and he has some bad days. And, although I wouldn’t count this episode among the best in the series, I’m sure you can also guess why I relate to it very strongly. This type of story is not unique - there is an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation (“Tapestry”) that deals with this theme too, and there is even another episode of The Twilight Zone itself that does (“Cavender is Coming”) - but although it’s not unique, I do think it’s extremely valuable. It’s also something I’ve discussed on my blog a lot. There are times when being AroAce is not easy and I have bad days; but stories like that of Mr. Bevis remind me that being who I am is the true source of happiness and that it’s worth the occasional bad day.
“I Dream of Genie” – Another lighthearted episode is “I Dream of Genie,” which follows a hapless man named George Hanley who accidentally comes into possession of a genie’s lamp. George is meek and unlucky, so when the genie tells him he may only have one wish, he begins to imagine how each potential option for a wish could go wrong. First he imagines wishing that the woman he fancies at his job is a famous actress and he is her husband, but imagines how that will fail. Then he imagines being a billionaire, but begins to think how unfulfilling that life may turn out to be. Finally, he imagines being a kind-hearted and merciful president, but quickly realizes he would never be able to handle the pressure of hard decisions. What does he end up wishing for? Well, I won’t spoil that part. But the theme of most of George’s imagined scenarios is that he wants to be altruistic while also being the master of his own fate, which gives him unique inspiration for his eventual wish.
As odd as this might sound, I actually find George very relatable and perhaps a bit inspiring. It probably seems very unusual that a mild and unassuming character from an episode that doesn’t get much attention is actually among my favorite characters in the show, but I enjoy George and his story. Much like the aforementioned Mr. Bevis, George is a quirky but good-natured person, and his imagined wish scenarios reflect that. Furthermore, something that I really love about George’s story is that, after the initial romance wish scenario, his next imagined scenarios do not feature romance. He learns to face the reality that being noticed by his dream woman is never going to happen or would end painfully if it did, and comes to terms with it – not in a way that’s bitter, but in a way that’s realistic. If you’ve read other posts on this blog, you probably know how much of a theme it is for me to learn how to accept what I cannot change. And in a weird and perfect way, George Hanley teaches – as many of the best characters in The Twilight Zone do – how to accept the things you can’t change and work to change the things you can.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Comments
Post a Comment